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Relationship Health Message Board


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Re: Feeling sad
Aug 5, 2005
Ana, thank you so very much. You are exactly right and have cleared up several important things in my head by sharing your experiences--it's a huge help and I really appreciate your insight. It sounds like we are in very similar situations (or were, I'm not sure how long ago the ex you referenced has been out of the picture for you) and it's really nice to hear from someone who's been through the same thing. I feel a lot less alone and confused now, and it's also nice to know I'm not the only one who misses an ex, yet not in a romantic "I want him back" kind of way. I just miss my best friend, having someone who was always there to love me and understand me better than anyone else without me having to explain what I was thinking. Without Patrick around, I feel really alone sometimes in a way I don't think I ever felt prior to meeting him...it's just lonely knowing that the person who loved and knew me best walked out of my life and now, even though I'm still surrounded by well-meaning friends and family who love me, I can't help but feel abandoned and very sad about being without Patrick at times.

Especially knowing that he's having an even harder time than I am, even though he was the one to leave, because he's so much more sensitive, emotional, and generally sad by nature, and he's been having such a tough time feeling optimistic and happy since he graduated college. I still love him so much as a friend and for everything he meant to me (though as you said any lingering romantic feelings dissipated completely awhile back) that it hurts me to think of him hurting...I've been doing pretty well, all in all, since the breakup in terms of moving on and being content again, which I've been able to share with him, but he hasn't been able to put on nearly as happy a face as I have. Between him feeling lost and unhappy and me still struggling with this horrific medical problem neither of us saw coming, it's almost too painful to stay in touch with Patrick. Talking to him is really tough because there is still so much raw emotion and love between us...I think we're too close friends to be friends, if that makes any sense? I miss his friendship more than anything but my instincts tell me it will only keep me dwelling in the past if I stay in regular touch with Patrick, at least for the foreseeable future. Do you guys think that's a smart decision? I know that's usually the standard advice here when it comes to remaining friends with exes, and I don't think it's always the best advice in every situation, but in cases where the emotions are still really raw and both people aren't feeling invulnerable again or healed yet, it's probably best to keep our distance, right? I don't want to lose Patrick from my life entirely, as he's probably the best friend I've ever had--do you guys think I'd be doing the right thing avoiding him at least for awhile? Will there ever be a chance for us to be friends again? It breaks my heart all over again to think of him being gone from my life entirely, forever :confused:.

Yet as far as boyfriends go, I'm feeling 100% moved on and commited to being with Justin. Things just get better and better between us...we're getting along more and more smoothly, moving forward at a nice, not too frenetic pace, talking openly and honestly together, coming to understand each other better and better, and generally feeling increasingly happy and comfortable together the more time we spend together. It's such a nice change from most of my past love affairs in which the passion was almost too torrid and all-consuming...I definitely feel passion for Justin, but it's measured and healthy, not the kind of passion that makes me all clingy and insecure. I really feel like he is making every effort to understand me, treat me as lovingly and respectfully as possible, and provide what I need from a boyfriend, so I'm quite happy on that front and really couldn't ask for anything more. I do hope I didn't jump back into dating again too soon, but I have always been someone who moves on quickly, and I have always picked up dating right where I left off almost immediately after I ended past relationships. I just love men and sex and dating way too much to leave it alone when I'm single, and I guess that so far, with every breakup, I've seen it coming and had time to adjust to the idea for some time before it became official. But do you think getting involved with Justin only a few months after losing Patrick could come back to haunt our relationship? Is there anything I should be concerned about or on the lookout for, or anything I should try and guard against to prevent any residual Patrick stuff from infiltrating my new relationship?

So I guess I still have two main questions if anyone has any additional advice to offer: what do you suggest I do about Patrick in terms of maintaining friendly contact, if any? If I avoid talking to him for now, does that have to continue indefinitely, or is there some window after which it would be okay to talk to each other again, presumably after we're both completely over the relationship's ending? And now that I'm involved with someone else, how does the way I'm feeling now affect that new relationship? Should I be honest with Justin about how I'm feeling? He knows a bit about Patrick in that we lived together for several years, but not exactly when or why we split, and I don't think he has any idea that I'm still mourning the loss of Patrick. Thing is, I'm not sure he would believe me even though it really is true that I'm not missing Patrick as a lover but only as my one-time best friend. Justin has been calling me his best friend for some time now...so I know I need to get on with things and move on more fully. The question is, how? You guys have been such a huge help all along that I just know you'll help me make the smartest decisions on this...pretty please? ;)





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