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[QUOTE=mada_3083]i guess what i want to know is can anyone give me some pointers on any signs that she is genuine (says i'm great, she just has to figure if she's ready) or if she's just stringing me along at arms length, using me for warmth through the lonely times... and using me to boost her battered ego. < when did i become so cynical???

for instance, last night i initiated the kissing. which made me think i maybe am trying to develop what isn't there, but realised that was after she initiated the hand holding, the cuddling, and the rubbing of my head (a weakness of mine she knows about :p )...... i am ready to trust, and i am ready to put my heart on the line... the girl outweighs the potential pain, but i just want to make sure i'm not seeing things that arent there, and jumping blind.[/QUOTE]

I'm going to be blunt here because I have been in that girl's position more times than I care to admit and have strung men along just the way she appears to be doing to you. I'm not saying I'm 100% positive this is the case, but even if not, why would you want to waste anymore time on a girl who's so unsure about getting involved with you that she's already dumped you?? Those odds are terrible, and knowing it from the start, I think you're only setting yourself up to get burned worse if you ignore all the signs that she's not all that interested in you. Again, I'm sorry to be negative, but I think it's important to share my experiences here and not sugarcoat anything when I have been in the exact same position and know better than to be optimistic about your chances with her. My instincts say you are making a big mistake putting your heart on the line with this woman. If you're worried about getting hurt and want to be careful about choosing the right woman, why in the world would you give another chance to a woman who has already dumped you with the stupidest, most cowardly excuse ever? It sounds like this might be because there aren't any other promising female prospects on the horizon? If you're trying to make wise choices, you should run far away from any woman who dumps you. It boggles my mind why anyone would possibly consider taking someone back once they end a relationship...it's only a recipe for further heartbreak and disaster. Yet we see it again and again, people hoping against hope that an ex will take them back after breaking their heart. But why? Why would you want someone who didn't want you to the point where they dumped you?

Now, there are definitely good points to be made to the contrary of what I'm saying, and I'm sure optimistic and encouraging posters will come along to argue them, but sometimes well-meaning advice serves to get people's hopes up about situations in which the odds of a good outcome are extremely slim. I definitely could be wrong here and I am being a bit extra cautious because of your concerns about being vulnerable and not wanting to be hurt at this stage of your life, but I do think you are probably seeing things that aren't there because you want to see these positive signs. But the situation sounds quite simple to me: if this girl was really into you, she wouldn't be all confused and hot and cold with you...she'd be 100% serious about developing a relationship with you.

I used to act like this girl with a lot of guys to keep them on the back burner if things were rocky with my boyfriend or not quite ex at the time, and they let their hopes skew their interpretation of what was going on again and again. Like you, they decided that despite my ambivalence and efforts to cut them loose, that I was worth "taking a risk" on, but inevitably I wasn't interested in pursuing anything serious or long term with them and they got hurt as a result of investing emotionally in me. Those weren't the kinds of guys I really wanted to date, just nice guy friends I liked to have hanging around when I needed a man to keep me company and show me a good time.
Trust me, if she really liked you, she wouldn't have to "think about if she's ready" :rolleyes:...that's nonsense, and a big time cop out. It sounds like she's on the rebound or not quite detached from another guy, and wants to have a backup in case things don't work out. This is all too familiar to me, and though I feel bad in retrospect, at the time I didn't see how I was using these guys and stringing them along just to ensure that I always had at least a few guys hovering around at all times.

It's great that you are ready to put your heart on the line, but I think you're making a mistake choosing this girl for that leap of faith...you're up against very bad odds if she's on the rebound and has dumped you once already. It doesn't sound like you've known her that long, and if she's put you through such uncertainty at this point, I can almost guarantee you're in for more of the same. If you really want to take a risk, find a woman who is emotionally available and actually looking for a relationship, one who genuinely likes you and doesn't waver in her interest. As a woman who's been involved with men I truly love and men I couldn't care less about, I can say almost certainly that this girl isn't that into you...if she was, she wouldn't be trying to pull away from you and have such uncertainty about getting involved. I was always willing to jump right in with the men I really liked even if my last relationship wasn't quite finished, and I bet anything she's the same way, which means her ambivalence bodes very poorly for you. If she was passionate about you, you'd know it, but nothing she has done has suggested her feelings for you are anything more than lukewarm. She really sounds a lot like me in my less mature and considerate days, and she's acting like I did with my backup guys who I never had any intention of being serious about.

I think it's admirable that you're willing to take a risk and jump into a relationship, but you owe it to yourself to hold off until you are sure that you've found someone who is eager and willing to jump right in alongside you. Otherwise the odds are stacked really high against you and it's almost foolhardy to risk your heart in such cases...I'm 99% sure this girl isn't right there with you. To be honest, I'd bet a lot of money that she's got another guy somewhere who she likes better, but she knows she should have a nice guy around to boost her ego, keep her company, and generally cushion the blow when things aren't great with the man she's truly passionate about. It really sounds to me like that's the role she envisions for you, and while that's all well and good for her, it leaves you in the difficult position of developing feelings for a woman with no intention of anything more than using you to pass the time until someone that truly excites her is there to give her his full attention. I feel bad having done the same thing and hurting many well-meaning guys who had high hopes about starting a relationship with me, but at least now I can recognize the signs and hopefully help other guys avoid the same disappointment or even heartbreak. Please think carefully about whether you want to get involved in a situation in which the deck is stacked against you from the start...if she's already dumped you once at this early stage, I think you'd be pretty blind to think there is potential here for a real relationship. Find someone who will be thrilled to find a man who's ready to commit and develop a serious relationship with her...that girl will have no doubts about whether she's "ready" or if you're "too nice," believe me, she'll be excited and 100% sure that she wants to be with you and only you.





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