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I feel so alone
Aug 7, 2005
I have kind of a weird predicament, and it may be long in order to explain it all, but I need some advice so please bear with me.
First off, I am a 22 year old college girl. I have OCD and sometimes it affects my life and sometimes not. When I was 15 years old up until the time I was 20 I had a boyfriend. He was not the nicest, he hit me twice. I was pretty much your typical meek, used and abused girl. I had several good friends, but off course they occassionally took a back seat to my demanding boyfriend. He broke up with me almost two years ago. At the time I thought I would die, but now I realize it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I posted here a long time ago, I think it was titled, "He broke up with me in a text message". Some of you may remember it. Well, as I started healing from that I moved out with my two best friends and it was the time of my life. I felt so free and independent. I got a butterfly tattoo on my lower back and my tongue pierced. I felt like a normal young woman. I was having the time of my life. Then we got kicked out, I moved home then moved out again. Last summer I met my current boyfriend and I can say that he was the second best thing that has happened to me. He is the most thoughtful, gentle, understanding man I have ever known and thank God for him, because he is all I have. My best friends are none-existent and that is why I am here. The only person I have in my life that is truly there for me is my boyfriend. Of course I have my family, but even my mom has no clue that I have OCD. She thinks I am the happiest most well-rounded woman ever. Well, ok I feel like I am rambling on and on...Let me start with my best friend I have known since I was 2 years old. She and I have had a tumultous friendship from the start. We argue like cats and dogs. She is opinionated and very close-minded. She will not come over to my house because I live with my boyfriend and my good friend who happens to be a guy, heaven forbid. She is really afraid to mingle with people her own age. Before I lived with my boyfriend, I lived with this horrible other roommate, who thank God was never there. Nevertheless this best friend of mine came over ONCE the whole 6months I lived there, her excuse? I lived too far. When I was making arrangements for a new roommate I begged and begged her to live with me again. She basically said she would, then backed out. Things went down with my boyfriend's roommate and everything worked out perfect for us to move in together with our friend. Well, I never see her anymore, because I guess I live too far away (across town) and she is more interested in hanging out with a high school junior and her 13 year old cousin. Ok, now on to my other good friend. She helped me and was there for me when my ex broke up with me. No matter how many times I talked about him she never seemed annoyed. She was zany and crazy and I had the most fun with her. When I moved out for the first time it was with her and the above mentioned friend. Well, we literally had the times of our lives until I started noticing my clothes disappearing. I found a missing shirt in her car and concluded it was her doing it. We reasonably talked about it and I forgave her because I really wanted to trust her. For a time everything worked out, then the bomb dropped. It began when I co-signed on a pair of tires she was making payments on because she couldnt pay for them on the spot. She had like zero credit and I had great credit. All she had to do was pay 50 bucks a month for like 4 months and they would be payed off. Well a couple months later I get a call from the tire place, she had never paid a cent to them and as I was the co-signer I had a duty. Well the "you know what" hit the fan and we soon got kicked out of the apt. I didnt see her or talk to her for a good 6 months. I missed her and she missed me and we got in touch again. We have been hanging out since maybe April and during the beginning it was great, but the lying escalated again. She would not call or answer calls for days and give the excuse she was helping her mom out because her moms boyfriend tried to kill her. Well, that same weekend I found out she was at a mud-wrestling party. So, right now our friendship is pretty none-existent. She has hurt me time and time again but I keep letting her do it. She uses people, I know for sure, but she has loads of friends. I am really quite jealous because whenever she has had to "work" or whatever she has been with her other friends. It just kills me that she seperates me and leaves me out. I feel so alone. All I have is my boyfriend. My friends are never there for me and I am sick of it. I am getting to the point where I believe it is my fault.
If you have gotten this far, I am impressed. I just needed to vent. I have been crying and I just feel so hurt. My boyfriend is there for me 100% but he has heard it so much, there is not much else he can do.





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