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I don't think you should ignore your instincts...your gut is telling you something isn't quite right for a reason, and your boyfriend is definitely acting suspicious. So please don't tell yourself that you're worrying for no reason. It would be one thing if you were insanely jealous whenever he talked to any other woman, but that's not the case, you seem to be a secure and well-adjusted girlfriend and not overly possessive or controlling. Please don't let him convince you that you're making a big deal out of nothing or that you're just jealous...that's not the case, otherwise his other female friends would bother you too and you wouldn't have been so nice about him talking to this one particular girl at first. Your instincts are cluing you in that something shady is going on--sounds like this girl is going after him big time and he's at least tempted and considering her efforts to seduce him. You have every right to be concerned and upset about him talking to her as much or more as he talks to you and about his being more secretive and private with his phone and messages than he ever was before. I don't think this is just paranoia; I think your subconscious is picking up on something not quite right between her and your BF.

I've never had experience with this so I'm not really sure what the right advice to give you is, but I do think you should take your feelings seriously and not just dismiss them as being paranoid. Have you told him that this bothers and concerns you, unlike his other friendships with women? Have you asked him to stop talking to her so much out of respect for his feelings, and to be more open about what they are talking about? I would definitely suggest sitting him down and telling him that you would really appreciate if he respected your feelings enough to cut back on talking to her and let you see what messages they exchange. Don't be accusatory or make him feel like you're suspicious of him cheating; avoid any comments or tone that would put him on the defensive, then watch carefully to see how he reacts. I have had lots of platonic male friends throughout all my relationships, and on some occasions, these friends became lovers and eventually replaced my boyfriends at the time. There was a definite difference between how I handled these friendships and how I handled completely platonic friendships which were no threat whatsoever to my relationships, which is why I think talking to your BF would provide really valuable insight into what's truly going on between him and his friend. If a boyfriend confronted me about a male friend who I did have feelings for and wanted to be involved with, I would have reacted very defensively and told him that there was nothing going on a little too forcefully, then gone on the attack and told him he had no right at all to try and control me and tell me who I could and couldn't have as a friend. By contrast, if a boyfriend brought up concerns about a guy friend who was completely platonic, I would wholeheartedly respect his feelings and take them 100% seriously. Instead of reacting with anger or getting defensive, I would be understanding and make every effort to calmly reassure him that he had absolutely nothing to worry about. I'd be willing to cut back contact or let him listen to my conversations with the male friend or just about any other reasonable request he made that would soothe his fears...however, if I was less than satisfied with the boyfriend and considering getting involved with my friend, I would not be willing to assuage my man's fears by decreasing contact with my buddy or anything like that. Talking to him and gauging his reaction carefully should give you a pretty good sense of whether or not this woman is a threat to your relationship--if she is not, he will make every effort to respect and accomodate your feelings and make it very clear to you that you come first and that he's willing to compromise in order to make you feel comfortable and reassured.

But if he acts like she is just as important, if not more important, to him than you are and gets upset/angry/frustrated/defensive and refuses to honor your wishes that he tone back the friendship or let you supervise their conversations, then you have a definite problem on your hands and should be extremely concerned about his fidelity and honesty. If he doesn't react well to you bringing up your concerns in a loving, friendly, not accusatory manner, then I would suggest you seriously consider ending the relationship. If this guy loves you the way you should be loved, then he will not hesitate to let you know that you are by far the most important woman in his life, and that protecting his relationship with you and respecting your feelings comes before his friendships with other women. If he's unwilling to put you before this female friend, then the chances are extremely high he's either already romantically/sexually involved with her or soon will be, and you deserve a lot better than that. You should have a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure you feel valued and like the most important priority in his life...it's not like you're asking him to cut her out of his life or asking him to ditch his friends for you. If he gets defensive and accuses you of being jealous and demanding like that, when your feelings and requests are actually quite reasonable and understanding, he's definitely hiding something or possibly just lying to himself about his escalating feelings for this other girl. How is your relationship otherwise? Usually when someone has bad feelings and vibes about a friend of their partner, there's some underlying doubts about the relationship that are causing them to feel threatened. But even if everything else seems fine, you are still well within your rights and not at all out of line for asking him to dial down and be more open about this friendship...I hope you are able to have an open, honest conversation with him and find a compromise-type solution with which you both feel comfortable. Please let us know how things go, and good luck!! :wave:





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