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Relationship Health Message Board

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Hello all. I was married to the mother of my two sons for seven years. We were both very unhappy people when we met. I was a recovering speed addict (still am) and both of us wanted to be successful in terms of the way society saw us, I wanted to be, anyway.
It didn't work out. Our intimate life went away fairly quickly, and I spent a lot of time trying to make her happy, so I could be, too. She wanted children. I had my doubts because I knew how kids could complicate a relationship. We had them anyway. I love my children very much, they are, in every respect, at the heart of my tale. But I was unhappy in my marriage. And my wife chose to wait until I was ready to leave her to address this. By then it was too late.
You see, my story, as much as I may hate to admit it, only loosely involves my marriage and my children.
No, what I struggle to recover from here, is the affair that I had within my marriage, and the loss of the woman I had the affair with. She was everything I have ever wanted, intelligent, beautiful, fiercely sexual and reckless, devoted to our mutual pleasure as lovers. She was everything any man could want. To me she was, anyway. I fell in love with her from afar and coveted her for two years. When we fell in together it was like a dream. I left my wife for her. That's the bottom line.
Anyway, she moved to Portland, OR, to further her career. I would have had to leave my children here in CA in order for us to be together. I tried. I slammed myself up against the idea as hard as I could. My family was ready, my ex-wife was ready, my condo was on the market. I couldn't do it. I love my babies more than my own life and the thought of being so far from them filled me with sadness. I had to tell the love of my life that I couldn't follow her.
The only problem with that is that I'm a recovering addict, and in as much as I use drugs I use feelings to mask my pain, and that's what I tried to do in the face of losing her, I tried to cut and run, find a new girlfriend and break up with my long-distance one. I was already lonely, tired of phone sex, tired of dating a voice only, of airplanes and using up vacation time to maintain this relationship that, for all intensive purposes, could never go the distance because she was adamant that she was NEVER coming back to this state. So I broke up with her. I slept with another woman. I'm weak, in that way, always have been. I have no excuse.
Then, and only then, in the face of our end, did she relent. Well, it was too late, wasn't it? I had already betrayed her hadn't I? But I couldn't let her know, I had promised. I told her to stay. That she had moved away for a reason. That she knew this was going to happen.
There are myriads of crap to this story, the guy she's dating now, the fact that I said lots of things to mask my failure, but the bottom line is that I realized the hard way how much I loved her. Or did I? At any rate, I begged her to come back. She wouldn't. Now it's just too late all the way around. I'm the guilty one, now. Maybe if I could've held off long enough, I wouldn't have already been headed for another relationship and as such no longer available to her.
In case you're wondering, that didn't work out, karma in full effect, so now I'm all alone. I could date other women and I have, but none of them are her, and I miss her so much, and I want her back like a man breaking for the surface from fifteen fathoms wants oxygen. Nothing satiates me, and it's a problem now, because I've had chances and blown them all and looked foolish and callous doing it.
I know you all reading this probably hate me, but believe me, I need your help. I want to know; why do things turn out this way for me, why I do I damage myself so, and why can't I move on from relationships that make me feel worthless and so lose my chance at relationships that are fulfilling and healthy? Please help me, I can't do this alone, my support system is too spread out, and none of them really can know what I'm feeling. If you're out there, and you have any advice for me, I could really use it.

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