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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

To start, no one should have to be in your position.. BUT, it happens and this is the time you need realize what's been done, what you need to do, and do it. And ANYTHING to do with getting back together is NOT the answer. You will never have peace of mind, constantly question the relationship, her being faithful.. and maybe even down the road, feel you missed out on maybe someone better who doesn't believe in cheating on you're husband? There ARE people like that out there, my mom never cheated on my dad.. ALTHOUGH, she DID talk about him. A big no no.. From the kids perspective - my parents divorced when I was 10. I'm 19 now. I live with my mom and the situation now, I have no relationship with my mom (CONSTANT fighting.. I honestly feel like she took her frustration w/ everything out on me, as I was the only person living with her - couldn't argue with my dad or brother, as they weren't here, so I was next in line. I've never fought with anyone else as long as I've been alive) Feel like I have a distant cousin who is actually my brother, just the fact that with the divorce he moved to a different city withmy dad and i went with my mom, and our parents seemed to have failed to make us keep in touch regularly, that when a birthday hit and it came time to talk on the phone, it was really awkward and just sort of stayed that way. And my dad, i dont feel like I know him at all, and wish i did, yet at the same time sort of feel confused like he says he wants to get to know me as well as my brother, yet he doens't call that often or only to return calls, and is only there financially. .. with that said - advice to you... you're children love you unconditionally... don't mess that up. Their mom on the other hand.. she isn't the person you fell in love with, so you don't want her anyways. But as for the kids, they love you, you know they do, and they will never stop. Just make it your duty that you keep it that way and let them know you feel the same. If you want them to be happy and have a positive outlook on the world, and feel like they can trust people.. you need to yes, be positive. Discipline if they need it, but don't fight about the little things.. no one wins that way. And as much as you may want to, NEVER talk about their mother badly or atleast to them, or so they can hear it. My mom would talk about my dad to me even when I was upset about him for some reason. Dont even agree wtih them. Tell them you understand, but dont take part in it. They will remember every word you said, it will change the way they see their mother and cause trust issues in their lives since two people who were supposed to care about each other are stabbing each other in the back, and lastly, they will resent you for putting those thoughts and feelings into their head. My dad has never said anything badly about my mom, and i totally see him as the bigger person. They need someone to look up to. Be that to them. And second, if for some reason the kids split up.. MAKE them keep in touch. MAKE them call their sister if not every two days, make it weekly. When they're older if they've drifted or are just not as close as they'd wish they were.. again, they'll be mad, and blame the divorce, and ... there's only benefits to keep them close. And if the custody doens't work out and you were long distance from the kids, or just not living with them or whatever. As busy as you may be.. it doens't matter WHAT the reason is, it will never be good enough to not call your children. Make sure there is a cell phone or something that they can contact you, and dont just call them back.. but call them regularly. My dad used to call all the time when I first moved with my mom, but I was always busy or said I'd talk to him later, and you're thinking, okay well that's my fault I woudl never talk to him... but this isn't a boyfriend, girlfriend game going on.. even if they dont have time, they need to konw that you're still thinking of them and they're important to you and you have time for them. If you're a person they can go to for advice, and just 'to talk' about hte little things.. like how they sprayed ketchup on the ceiling or soemthing rediculous liekthat, then you have a good relationship with them.. but when it starts to decline cause the calls start to slow down, the conversation shifts to a more 'since he's on the phone and i coudln't get through to him the last couple days, I better ask...' and it jumps to conversations about money, and books, or soccer shoes that they need, or .. i dont konw, it's not the same type of relationship. And it's not personal anymore.. And it sounds like your kids are your life, and I'm really glad that's the case, because as long as you feel that way you are going to do everything in their best interest, and this divorce wont effect them in anyway. it will help you get through it, putting your focus in them, and they will probably even benefit from the support and quality time you'll want to spend with them. Focus on them like you're doing, but in the long run, if the result happens where you dont have custody or the children split.. or whatever reason.. as much as you think you're calling.. call more. As much as u want to talk to them about what their mother did to u.. dont. and as hard as it is to get ur kids to sit on the phone to talk to each other.. just DO IT. (this is where a civil relationship with their mom comes in handy)... i dont konw, I'm sure I wrote a lot... and I truly hope everything works out for you. Time heals all wounds. And you sound like a really nice, genuine, sincere person .. you should have no trouble finding someone else. And on the truly hard days.. there's always God who you can ask for help. He honestly does, I'm not a huge church person either, and maybe my situation was coincidental (and very weird.. not related to this at all) but if you ask, he will help you. Take care! ps. she knows it's her fault.. and she WILL have regrets sometime or another. It's like that country song (dont konw why i'm listening to country).. by Keith Urban - you'll think of me. i guess u could look up the lyrics or what not if u really wanted to.. Anywho..hope i helped.

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