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I'll try and put as much info into one post as I can to get the picture of our lives. I've been a member of these boards for a while and wanted to come here to seek help/thoughts.

Married for almost 10-years now, two children ages 4 and 2. I'm a work at home dad, she is a professional mom who works 8-to-6 daily.

Over the past couple of years she has been trying to get me to move back to our hometown area, which I gave in earlier this year so she could be happy. She hasn't seemed to be happy with any job she has, thus has worked for four different places in three years (including the one now with our move).

The past couple of months she has been somewhat distant, we both have. This move has been hard on me, but she started to act differently. She was always one to walk in the house at night upset that something wasn't picked up, or that I might have not done the dishes. But the past couple of months it's been to where we haven't spoken much.

We've had our issues as any married couple has. I've tried to get her to go seek help with me, to work on our issues. We saw a counselor one time, and after that she was never able to make it due to her 'busy' schedule w/work.

But over time, things have cooled off (issues) and we have learn to deal with silly things, but always been there for eachother to do things together with our kids. We would go to the park, on trips together, ect.

Now, I need to add... we have money issues. Debt that has added up over time that we have a hard time with. I make more money than she does and it comes in chuncks throughout the year... so there might be times where I don't get anything in for 8 weeks. But when I do, it's about 1/3 of the average yearly paycheck for the national average. I've felt she resents the fact I get to work at home and she has to go out and work in an office setting.

The past couple of months, she has gone out with friends to hang out one last time with them, so to speak. One time, she was out until 3 a.m. and I wasn't happy about it... to which she got defensive.

She would get pissed that I acted jealous or that I would even think she might be cheating (I know the stats of a professional woman comparied to men, so I've jokingly brought it up with her).

We moved down here and last week came to me saying she was done with our marrage. She said she didn't feel connected with me, that she didn't feel supported and that I should have seen it coming. She told me she feels trapped because we've been together since she was 16. I told her if I had, I would have hoped we would try and work things out for the sake of our marrage and for mainly our children.

She said she needed to give it time, a month or so, to see if I was making an 'effort'. Since that talk last week, I've got a 2nd job (on top of my well paying job now) and have made a commitment to finish my last few hours of college.

I have wrote her love letters, put together albums of us and our life together, and of course sent her flowers with little notes.

During all this, I've had that 3% feeling she was cheating on me. She got a new cell phone and it's been attached at her hip. She would take it everywhere, even jogging. Before this, she would leave it in her car (never get in touch with her).

Well, this past weekend she went back to our town we just moved from for a Wedding Shower (which was an actual event)... but while I'm trying to give her room, I didn't bother her. Didn't call her to 'check up' on what she was doing.

I woke up Sunday and wanted to see how she was. Never answered her phone. I then text messaged her, no luck. Finally mid-afternoon she calls me mad acting like I was... (yes)... checking in.

Well, yesterday I got her new flowers and put a note in it "From your secret admirer". I thought it was cute, sort of me getting back to my roots of romance and when we first started to date.

She came home and never said a word about the flowers. That shot my 3% feeling up to about 40% that she was cheating.

So, I asked her... "Are you not going to tell me what you got today at the office"? I was sort of joking to see her reply, she then finally acted like, "OH, I know they were from you. Thanks". I felt really horrible then.

Later, I got online and checked her yahoo.com email that she set up when we moved here. What do I see? Notes from a guy that she told me had been coming on to her at work where we used to live (married guy). Love notes on how much he misses her and misses her touch and kisses...

The news tore me up. I am still in a state of shock. I called her right away and she denied it, then after finding out I had proof... she admitted to it and acted like I should have seen this coming. Like it was my fault (due to the issues she brought to me last week).

So now she is at her parents and we haven't spoken since last night. She told me yesterday when I got face to face with her that she didn't love me anymore. She got really defensive about the cheating and said it wasn't adultry, that it never went more than kissing and hanging out. She said it wasn't an 'affair' and that it didn't mean anything to her, but that she was tired of our marrage.

Here I am, devestated. Moved to a new town and am alone. I don't know what to do. Her mom thinks I need to give her space and that she wasn't going to be with this guy while under her roof. But I don't know. She hasn't apologized for this... she only got upset when I told her I felt his wife needed to know what has been going on for the sake of their lives.

So again, what do I do? I love her too much and care too much about our family to not forgive her. But if we do get divorced, what then? What about the kids?

I'm lost and just really in a bad spot. I need some good advice from someone who knows.

Thanks for anything and for reading this long post.

:(
I am no legal expert by any means, but I would'nt expect to get full custody under those circumstances. She would really have to be a mess (drugs,dangerous behavioural issues) for you to get full custody. Unless it would freak a judge out (100 men, or some sick things), the affair would not play that heavily in your favor as you would think. You will have to negotiate with her for the visitation and come to some agreement.
You would get killed in court with the drug issue, if true you have been clean for past 2 years, you should keep quiet about it and work towards a peaceful resolution. She is much more inclined at this point to concede some things to you, since she is the one whose word means zip right now. If things get ugly, you will get screwed. Especially if she gets a lawyer and her mom and dad help her pay for it.

Split custody is tough, especially with distance involved. You can't stay there in her parents house forever. You will probably have to move and her parents can let her and the kids live there. Can't advise you on the best plan for you here, but the quicker you move, the better. If they are normal parents, they will give her a hard time, but she will fill them with enough spite for you and they will only hear one side of the story. They will turn on you at some point. Especially her mother. I may be wrong, but it would be rare(that her mother would support your take on things for very long). It may take some time too, it could be a year or more before it happens. Count on not getting support from her parents from an emotional stanpoint at any time.
You need to go ahead and start preparing yourself for a divorce, even if you don't do it. Get an itemized list of everything you own, set a best case scenario for splitting time with the kids, and start making a plan to move out.

Dude, I have been there. Getting wronged, living off her parents to a degree, it will make you feel like a self sacrificing shmuck. You need to reinvest in your self worth, regardless. If she comes crawling back in 2 weeks, you still need to do this. You need to make decisions based on your family's long term health and welfare, and don't forget you are the "man of the house" . I don't mean to sound negative or push you to look down upon women, but I put myself into my mess by not taking charge and "demanding" that things were "right" as I felt they should be. I was the peacemaker type and let her do whatever and gain too much control, which she abused to the nth degree, and then turned it all on me like her selfishisness was all my fault.

Stand up for yourself and what you feel is right. If there is going to be reconciliation, you must demand terms and goals. If she can't meet these, you need to resort to plan B, which is 10 times worse now, but the other is 20 times worse later.
I'm sorry to be so full of opinions and not much "feely" support, but I wish I had someone to talk to me at the time about "real" things, and not just "hang in there man" or "how could she do this" type stuff. I reconciled things over 5 years ago, and to this day have doubts and regrets. Each situation is different, and no one can tell you exactly what to do, but some people have been there and have made mistakes (like myself) to warn you of things. I'm open to anything you want to ask.

RTR





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