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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE]No, it's not that the missing limb turns me off. When I said I would ask future guys if they had all their limbs, I meant so another guy wouldn't try fooling me again. I don't appreciate lies of omission or any kind, for that matter. He was a cheerful guy at first but as soon as the cat was out of the bag he thought he could be himself, bummed out. He has only showed me the leg once for a few seconds, kind of like, "OK, here it is". I can tell he's uncomfortable with it.[/QUOTE]


Although I don't condone his behavior, I can give you some insight as to what this guy is going through... I too have a physical disability, the difference is I can't "hide" it the way he can.. Mine is obvious, I use 2 canes to get around. To give you some background, I have a condition known as Cerebral Palsy resulting from being born 3 months premature. Despite this I'm in good physical shape, I take care of my body and work out regularly.

All that aside, the bright side to my situation is that any potential date is able to see the full extent of my disability when I first meet them. Most folks here will say that if you've lived with something all your life you should be entirely at ease with your situation... Yes, this is true and I am comfortable in my own skin but I'd be lying if I said that my confidence was never shaken because of my disability.

It's easy to point the finger and say this guy was brutally dishonest, but let's look at the flip-side of the coin for a second. This guy has an aquired condition - something he has no doubt not yet come to terms with.. He has issues with his self-confidence, which is not so unheard of considering that many people feel insecure over the smallest of things like a slight case of acne carrying around a few extra pounds.

How many of you can honestly say that you'd not feel at least a little of what this guy is feeling if you were in his shoes - I do realize that this type of thing is hard to envision for most people unless you've been there and lived with it.

Banana Split, If he had told you about his condition right off the bat, would you have stuck around. Speaking from personal experience, many folks find it hard to see past physical differences, as a consequence, the person with the disability will more often than not base his feelings on previous experience and think - I was regected because of this before and why should this time be any different? It's sort of a catch 22 since in my opinion it's pretty impossible to build a healthy realationship without both people being honest and at ease with the situation.

If you do break it off with him, make it clear that you're doing so not because of his disability but because he wasn't fourthcoming about it (assuming this is true). I know it may be a little late now, but have you tried to make him feel more at ease and attractive despite his missing limb? Like I said, I think much of the problem here is that he doesn't consider himself capable of being loved - which is something he needs to work on before he can be in a healthy
relationship... If you do break it off with him, sheding some light on these things will help him realize that it's not his condition but his state of mind that keeps him from being loved.

That being said, how many of you would feel at ease dating someone with some kind of physical limitiation, provided that there was some healthy chemistry in the relationship? I find it a little disheartening to see that a lot of folks still buy into old stigmas and the "what will people think?" mentality.
I agree that he's very insecure.

No, he hasn't had past girlfriends run off because of his situation. I'm his first relationship since his divorce. They were having marital problems before the accident...she stuck around and helped him convalesce...then after awhile they got divorced. He said he never even had sex with his wife after the accident. So, I can understand him being nervous...at first. However, I have attempted to make him feel comfortable, even thinking maybe he'd be more relaxed at a bed & breakfast...nothing works. Now he claims it's physical pain keeping him from having sex.





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