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I'm so sorry things turned out this way for you, sweetie. I can only imagine how hurt, confused, betrayed, and just completely fooled you are feeling. I just wanted to say that I truly hope you remember that this is his problem, his issues, his dysfunction--NOT YOURS. I remember feeling extremely impressed reading your posts in the past, as not too many people I encounter are intelligent, logical, and clear-headed enough to see things as they are, rather than how we wish they were, and have the courage to make the tough choices as long as they are ultimately in your best interest. There are so many smart, wonderful, caring women who seeingly have everything going for them, but their ability to think clearly and objectively flies out the window when it comes to their own relationships...I'm still trying to figure out why this is, because on many levels, I can't really relate to defining your sense of worth through someone else when that's ultimately uncontrollable and undependable. Yet all the time, we see people absolutely crushed by breakups, even long ago breakups, because they have allowed one person to be irrevocably woven into their sense of self and worse, their sense of self-worth and purpose in life. It must be very tough to go through life feeling great about yourself if and only if you have a man, woman, baby, etc. by your side...to me it's infinitely easier and wiser to rely on ourselves for our self-esteem and to guard it from potential attackers like a priceless treasure. You seem to sense this as well and intuitively shield yourself from people out to hurt you and would you, at least to the extent possible here, and again, I'm terribly sorry that you're going through such an unpleasant, disturbing situation.

Still, I think you have made a very wise and thoughtful decision and despite the inevitable insecurities, doubts, loneliness, and mourning you will experience, I can tell you know that this is worth it because in the end you will be free to find someone who can truly love you without hurting or controlling you. Staying in unhealthy, destructive relationships logically seems kind of silly to me, because it's not like you can just postpone the breakup and the resulting difficulties forever...unless of course one is so desperate not to be alone that they will settle for a mediocre or worse relationship that never really makes them content or fulfilled. The more time you waste with someone like that, the more potential opportunities you miss to meet and snatch up Mr. Glowgreenfrog's easier for many people to stick their heads in the sand and stay in denial rather than admit to themselves that their current situation is unhealthy and destructive. People stay in bad relationships all the time, ignoring all the facts and clear evidence of its dysfunction and grasping for the slightest redeeming signs no matter how much terrible treatment they endure...and it's always for the same reason: "he hits me, BUT I LOVE HIM...he cheats on me and gave me an STD, BUT I LOVE HIM...he got another girl pregnant and married her without even telling me first...BUT I LOVE HIM." I don't mean to be callous or uncaring here, just to point out that it's very inspiring, admirable, and unfortunately pretty rare for a woman to be as honest with herself, love herself, and be secure and independent enough with herself to be able to always put her well-being ahead of any irrational or undeserved emotions which paralyze many people in miserable relationships. You seem to have a remarkable amount of courage, inner strength, and self-respect...I have no doubt you will get past this messy situation and quickly put it in your past. I hear all the time from men how great it is to finally meet a confident woman who knows what she wants and pursues it...it's almost like they haven't met hardly any women like this, but I can tell that you have this rare and incredibly alluring quality and will have no trouble attracting men who will love you and respect you enough to let go when and if you choose to leave the relationship.

The most important thing I wanted to say was to agree with Cookie. Anytime an ex calls you or otherwise contacts you, itís a huge red flagÖsome escalate to driving past your house, calling your friends, hanging out around where you work, etc. But the truly scary men are those who seem to have no sense of boundaries whatsoeverÖnot that the less intense stalkers are any more justified or necessarily pose less of a threat. Stalking is a way to torture someone by forcing them to live every moment in fear and anxiety, and itís absolutely vile to do to someone you claim to once have loved. Stalkers just canít understand love, all they understand is getting what they want and ignoring anyone, including the person they want, when they get in the way of that quest. The fact that your boyfriend broke into your room shows he isnít afraid to commit a fairly serious crime and invade your private spaceÖthis is very very serious, I donít want to alarm you or anything, but please please please err on the side of caution. Combined with the death threats, I canít urge you strongly enough to start compiling every piece of evidence possible, saving voicemails, notes, emails, etc. and keep in frequent contact with the police in case he doesnít stop. Hopefully the lawsuit will end things, but please be extra careful not to be alone much unless someone is waiting for you to return shortly, be extra watchful, maybe even get some pepper sprayÖI know it can be easy to think, oh I know my ex, he wonít ever do anything violent, but thatís just how the 36 American women who are killed by their lovers each day probably saw it early on. I really donít mean to be ominous, but itís better to be extra careful and risk looking paranoid than be overconfident and take a dangerous risk. Please keep us updated no matter what OK? I canít help but be really worried about you and while I know youíre really smart and sharp, I donít have nearly as much confidence in your ex to conduct himself properly. Donít be afraid to rely on us, family, friends, even the police as much as necessaryÖwe are here to help, we want to help, and I know the people who love you most want you to be happy and safe more than anything! :wave:





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