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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=laurie864bla]Hate to say it, but if it's MLC, and you're assertive, they'll usually just bail. They can't take it. There is some wonderful info out there on how to understand MLC--men's or women's. They do a form of self medicating almost always. Diving into work, buying new clothes, going to the gym, alcohol, drugs, and affairs.

They have nothing to do with the significant other--all trying to find their shattered youth. They act totally out of character and seem crazy. Women leave their kids--if that's not crazy, I don't know what is. It's like they are fighting a battle in their own heads which you are NO part of.

Loving detatchment is the only way to save a marriage in MLC if that's what it is. They already feel smothered--push and they will usually blow or leave. The chase is off, the hunt is off, they had it when they were young, and it feels good, exciting and they miss it. (hey, we all miss that--but some go into a deep depression about it and act out in strange ways)

If it is an affair--you have to decide whether or not it is a symptom of what they are going thru, and whether or not you can detatch. I personally couldn't and didn't, but I know many that did, and they saved their marriages by detatchment. This doesn't mean by any means you should put up with the affair. It means you must get back the respect in the relationship by being calm, resolute and saying you love them, but you require more out of a relationship than what you are getting. You'll love them, you will maybe even wait for them to get thru whatever they are going thru, but you must choose what works for you.

An affair with work, or trying to find some sort of passion or purpose I could have dealt with and waited out lovingly and respectfully. An affair of the flesh was where I drew the line on MY self respect, and I ended it. Hard, hard time--but I am better off now.

Again, you can only say how much you can take, willing to take, and decide for yourself. No one should judge you if you want to work this out--even if it is an affair. That is up to you. Get that Dobson book. It will explain a lot. Also, "When the One You Want Wants To Leave" Same premise about getting detatched, knowing it is NOT you, and how to put the chase back on you. A groveler is never a respected person---be strong, calm, and loving--but totally into yourself and try your best to make yourself happy and not needy. They can feel it and it makes them want to run.

If she's not having an affair, and I really hope she's not, you could drive her to one with ultimatums. I'm not hearing that that is what you want right now. I wish you the very best of luck. This is a hard time for anyone, but I swear, one way or another, it will get better. Be true to yourself.[/QUOTE]

My wife is in the middle of a MLC. She has had the affair with a married man, filed for divorce, gone shopping, had some one night stands with much younger guys, had to go out to the bars. All this while I am faithfull and just being there for her. The married man cut it off last week when they almost got caught. So I get the crying little girl that just does not understand anything anymore. And thats what she has turned into a 16 year old girl. She is 37

I have had to understand that its not about me. We still see eachother. Matter of fact I moved back in the house for a month. I moved out so we could have space. But our sex life has never been better. I was her only one for 21 years. This has really made her much more sexual. I dont have a problem with the sex so much I knew when we got married at such a young age and that she never was with anyone else it would happen someday. Its the lieing and stuff. This last 2 months she has been very open and honest with me to the point of telling me when she started to see the married man again.

We never had this open a relationship before. So her I am 4 months after my life seem to stop, I am dateing my wife again. We do live apart, but I spend alot of time with her and my kids, we talk 6 or 7 times a day on the phone. We still have sex all the time. I think its a matter of time before she understands what she has done. I think that has started already.

I have gone thur alot of changes myself and we are taking this time for her to get to know me again and me to get to know her again. You get in a rut after 19 years and well you both kinda just go away from eachother.

Can I trust her now? Hell no! But if we do get back together that will come in time. All I know is that for 21 years (19 of it married) this woman took care of me and my kids, never once did I ever worry about this stuff. How in the hell can I just walk away after that long.

Funny in some ways now our relationship is much better them some married peoples I know.

Scott





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