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My bf alredy acknowledges he has mild OCD and he's on Paxil for anxiety/mild depression. Yesterday I encountered a BPD website and most of the symptoms my bf has: tumultuous/dependant relationships with people close to him, being able to switch on/off feelings of anger, always feeling abondoned and nobody loving him, and the slightest things truly hurt him to the point where his face will get sad like a child.

Before I knew anything about this disorder I would always tell him he's too sensitive and he needs to toughen up. He would get defensive about everything, especially when I would ask questions about his childhood. Now looking back (anytime we argued) I would say to him "the way you argue makes me feel like you're a child, where that matureness or grasping issues are missing" - after reading up on BPD it said this is a sympton.

My ? is how do I bring this up to him.

Originally he admitted to having OCD and I even bought him a book that was recommended on here & he tries the exercises. But when I tell him something seems "off" about him sometimes he gets offended & angry, but other times he'll laugh it off. But for some reason when he hears me say "borderline" he's going to assume I'm calling him crazy - HOW can I do this the right way. I printed out some stuff from the net & was going to just put in the magazine rack in the bathroom w/o saying anything.

I'd appreciate your thoughts - i just feel like I'm dealing with so much with him & I would like him to get help. He used to see a therapist, but he said it's pointless since he was doing all the talking about his past & she was just listening.
I need some advice. I put BPD literature in the bathroom and he came across it, of course he doesn't see himself in any of the symptoms. I then tried making him feel good by saying "I wouldn't think less of you if you do have this", but he then turns it around and says that maybe i'm the one that has a mood disorder, because I'm always bitchy & moody huh?!!. Then he said how can I diagnose him with this when I'm not a doctor?

How CAN he get diagonosed with this, as I said before he's seen therapists in the past, but they were'nt specialized in a particular disroder

PLEASE HELP AS NOW WE GET INTO SO MANY ARGUMENTS ABOUT THIS - he even told a male freind (who's girlfriend is getting her Master's in psycholog) of what I'm accusing him of being and that friend told my boyfriend that his girl said there's no way he has it - HELLO she's only met him 3 times.

So now my bf is like see a master's student doesn't think I have it.

A person with depression or bi-ploar disorder will usually remain in the same mood for weeks at a time. Someone with BPD can have intense moods of anger, depression and anxiety that may last a few moments to several hours at atime. When this happens, the BPD may be extremely impulsive or aggressive, may try to harm oneself, or abuse drugs and/or alcohol. Someone with BPD, untreated, usually feels isolated or abandoned, even with people around. BPD's have no idea who they really are, and have trouble describing themselves. They feel that no one will or can understand them.

People with BPD can go from absolutely loving and adoring someone, but when the slightest of conflict happens, the BPD will become excessively angry and begin to dislike or even hate that person. They will accuse others of abusing them, or abandoning them. Accusations of making them Feel something or nothing at all.

It is typical for someone with BPD to initially believe the OTHER person in the relationship has the problem. BPD's have a distorted way of seeing things, such as behaviors of themselves and others, and/or a distored view of relationship

Example: I have BPD, I was diagnosed when I was 15, I am now almost 42. I am recovering. If I'm having a bad day, or what I call an 'episode', I take all kinds of things the wrong way. My husband could be putting silverware away from the dishwasher and drop something. In MY mind, he's mad at me, and won't tell me, but he's throwing things. OR, he can shut the bathroom door,and I will HEAR a slam....I can brood, cry, scream and carry on, with out any apparent reason. And when the episode is over, I don't remember what all the fuss was about to begin with.

I agree that this Master's student could NOT possible diagnose your boyfriend with only seeing him three times. And I'll be that she didn't see him in a PROFESSIONAL setting either. BPD's get really good at acting, and seeming to have it all together when around friends and acquaintances.

BPD is one of the hardest personality disorders to diagnose, since it mimics so many others: depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, hystrionics and mostly bipolar disorder.

If he's not willing to take a good clear look at himself, there is nothing you can do about it, except to protect yourself. If he's not physically hurting you, or emotionally draining you, then I would drop the subject for a while. If he IS abusing you in ANY WAY, get out of there...

He may have to hit rock bottom, financially, legally, physically, to get the help he needs.

To help yourself, there are many good books and workbooks out there on the subject, and how to support and love someone with BPD

I hope I've been of some help
Your boyfriend sounds very much like my husband. We have been living apart for quite sometime now because of his issues. He went to counseling with me only because he was sure I had the disorder. He even went so far as to tell the psychologist he'd done research on the internet trying to figure out which one I had. Like your boyfriend, my husband is extremely sensitive - even to things most people probably wouldn't even notice. He also seems to have quite the imagination at times, and truly believes what he's saying. He never exhibits this behavior in front of others - until recently when he had an unemployed friend staying with him since April. There's no way that his friend hasn't seen/heard certain things. Maybe it gets hard to keep that behavior under wraps when someone else is around constantly like his friend is.

Read the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. I recently bought a workbook titled Stop Walking On Eggshells. I'll have to look at the rest of the title for you because it's in my car.

My husband has not spoken to me in a week. I have no idea why either. He started moving from the hotel he was living in into a mobile home his father helped him buy. Shortly into the week, his father was taken to the hospital & put in intensive care. My husband called me at 1am asking me to report him off work the next morning, which I did. He called sporadically once a day for the next couple of days - the calls were brief. Thursday morning he again told me his dad was too embarrassed over his problem and didn't want anyone to know about it. I couldn't understand this, but understood and said I'd send a plant. The plant was sent on Thursday and his father was discharged that same day. I went to the trailer Friday because I hadn't heard from my husband. He was there with his friend and after I asked how his dad was, he told me he'd been sent home the day before. He acknowledged the plant only after I asked if it arrived before his dad left the hospital.

His father stopped by while my husband was in the shower. I told him I was very happy to hear that he was doing better, etc. His dad talked about his problem, not in great detail or anything, but hardly gave the impression of being embarrassed. He spoke briefly to my husband as he was leaving and I stood back from the car to give them privacy. The rest of the night, my husband gave me the cold shoulder - only talking long enough to tell me I smelled from the reuben I'd eaten for lunch. I passed this off as maybe being overtired. The next day I went to help unpack/wash things. He barely spoke a word and when he did, it was always to snip me off or criticize me. I finally got angry & asked him what was wrong...because considering he's finally out of that awful hotel and his father is home from the hospital doing fine, I'd expect him to be happy. He just snapped me off with "Oh yeah, that's all it takes."

I never like to leave without letting him know I love him. He ranted & raved about being in a bad mood the last couple of days (but never said 'why') and that he just needed some time to himself. I gave him our usual 4 kisses goodnight...which he seemed resentful of. I'll never forget the gleaming hate in his eyes. I haven't heard from him since...and can't bring myself to go out there to check on him after being treated like that. I felt anything but loved and welcome. I realize he has no phone, but he stops by his parents' house frequently and could have used their phone (unless he doesn't want them overhearing anything) and drives past who knows how many pay phones on his way to & from work. I don't know what I did his eyes.

You really need to read up on BPD to educate yourself as best you can. Like Nakita wrote, you cannot force someone to seek help for themselves. They have to want the help and it sounds like your boyfriend, just as with my husband, isn't ready to face the real problem. You may find yourself having to do some soul searching as to whether or not you want to stay with a person who treats you like this all too frequently and without it being warranted in anyway. My therapist put it to me so well after my husband quit going: "You can't change someone else, but you CAN change yourself." Keep that in mind. One thing I found that helped SLIGHTLY was to not react to my husband's's what he wants. He'll do/say anything to bait me. I just refuse to 'engage' anymore.

Good luck and keep me posted. We're both pretty much riding in the same boat. For me, it's starting to rock just a bit too much for my liking. I've spent the last 6 months delivering carry-out meals to a hotel with scary people around, buying jeans-shirts-socks, helping with laundry, helping with employment searches, attending court hearings to be supportive, giving back rubs & foot rubs, even paying for a weekend get-away...all in a desperate, heartfelt attempt to convince my husband that I truly love him. It has brought me nothing more than a week of being ignored. But he'll tell me that I'M the selfish, ungrateful one. And I'm not supposed to be angered by that.

Hang in there. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Scared Wife
Scared Wife:

Of course you should be angered by being ignored. I wouldn't go back to the trailor or try to contact him at all. Maybe he needs his space because he is finally realizing that something is wrong with him, and if you're not there, he can't blame you. It also sounds like he lied about his father being embarrassed by his medical condition. Maybe your husband was just using that as an excuse to break away from you. borderlines have a very hard totally breaking connections. They don't want to be abandoned, but they brace themselves for it all the time.

Brandy: please try and find these books that Scared Wife has recommended to you. What you are describing is typical behavior of a borderline that has either not been diagnosed or is not in treatment. If he won't seek help, and you still want to stay with him, then you can seek help for yourself.

by the way, being yelled at, being accused of something, and always being on the defensive, is emotional abuse. You don't have to take it. In my humble opinion, emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. Bruises and scrapes can heal, hearts take a whole lot longer.
Hi Nakita,

Thanks for responding. I have not gone to the trailer and cannot reach him by phone/email since he has no phone line that I know of as of yet. I cannot help the anger and heartache I feel. Just the weekend before, we were cuddling in bed watching tv together. Just prior to that, I accompanied him to a court hearing (he's got a lawsuit pending against a former client - he's self-employed). I'd actually gone into work an hour early, left to go to court with him, back to work again and out to the hotel after work. The next day I picked up carry-out since he was low on money. When I met him in front of the courthouse, his eyes lit up and he seemed so happy to see me there. He was affectionate and kissed me. I'd bought him a new pair of jeans to wear since all of his other jeans had seen better days and I know he's self-conscious of his appearance, especially in that type of environment. So I guess what I don't understand is the possible sudden 'breaking away'...why? We had not argued or even remotely disagreed about anything.

That same week, he'd called me from work asking me to do some favors for him, which I did. Yesterday I had a call from the woman at the trailer park office looking for him about some paperwork he needs to turn in. She mentioned that he'd listed the number she called as 'his' phone number. Well, it was my cell phone number she'd called. I get so many mixed messages that I never know where I stand with my husband. And, no matter how hard I try to assure him of my love, support and caring for him, this happens frequently. The last time was in January when he was kicked out of his pain management program for abusing oxycontin. I'm wondering now if, since it seems like his father's trying to 'nudge' him and monitor his paychecks, maybe he's finding it more difficult to buy any drugs he may be abusing. I just have no idea anymore. He began this job as a subcontractor in late March and within 2 months had 3 or 4 major conflicts (1 of them a fist fight).

I had thought about sending him a letter to his parents' address (since I don't know the actual address of the trailer), but now you have me second-guessing that when you said not to contact him. So I'll put that on hold unless I hear otherwise from you.

Thank you for your help. It means a lot to me. I feel so defeated in all this. My friends think it is more likely a drug problem at the present time.

Scared Wife
I read the book, I hate you, don't leave me, and now I'm reading stop walking on eggshells, taking your life back when someone you care about has BPD.
I came right out and told my (estranged) boyfriend, that I think he has BPD, that he should search it out and read about it, and see if it sounds like him. He went to 2 counselling sessions, regarding anger management, which is what I thought the problem was, until I realized that anger is just a symptom of the problem, which is BPD. I asked him to ask his counsellor about it. I even went so far to tell him...."tell your counsellor to start treating you for BPD, I've already done his homework for him". LOL
I hope he does research it, and it opens his eyes, but now after reading some stuff from BP's (as the book calls them), sometimes, you shouldn't open their eyes to denial, (if they're not ready to face it), because once they realize that they have a black hole in their life, it can be devastating to them. I never saw him exhibit suicidal tendencies, but that's the only one of the 8 signs, that doesn't fit him. I think he may have tried to OD on pills a long time ago, maybe 20 years ago, but he has never threatened it to me. Now I wonder if I did something wrong? I wanted to continue the relationship if he could get control of his anger, but now after learning about BPD, I think it's hopeless, and I don't really know what to do. I don't want to push him into hurting himself, but I don't want to stay out of guilt. The last couple times I saw him, was only out of guilt because I felt sorry for him. I haven't seen him much lately, I keep rejecting him, and that upsets him too. I don't know how to proceed and would appreciate any suggestions!
Hey rosequartz, I wish I could give you suggestions, but I'm in the same boat as you. It's weird how you thought of the anger thing, because I also bought an anger book (recommended from this site) thinking that was his problem, but now after reading up on BPD, that's also a symptom: not being able to control your emotions.

This is a very difficult condition to deal with, like you said they don't want to admit to having it. When they hear the word "borderline" they think crazy or schizophrenic. My bf always blames these BPD qualities on having a rough childhood (divorce, mean step dads etc..) but he has 2 other brothers who went through the same thing and they're "normal".

As a girlfriend it's very difficult because lots of times things are great so you forget that there's an issue, but then when something goes wrong it brings you back to BPD reality

Keep me updated on your situation too!
well his family is far from normal. His 2 sisters are both alcoholics, as is he, and he admits he is. One brother has ADD and can't work, and they all live in the house together (the sisters with their boyfriends also). The childhood home, their parents have long passed away. They have all moved out and some point and moved back in. I guess thats because they can't stand to be alone even though there is always conflict in the house.
alot of the traits you listed pertain to my boyfriend also it soo eerie how others act like my bf.

I think my bf is finally cracking into admitting something. Almost everynight we talk on the phone and without fail if the convo goes to where we're disagreeing about something he get's so frustrated and hangs up. Then a few minutes later he'll call back like nothing happened. Lately when he hangs up like that, I refuse to take his calls & don't talk to him until the next day.

This morning (after another frustrated hang up last night) I told him "I can't go on like this where we can't even talk on the phone w/o you getting upset."

I told him if he's feeling frustrated don't hang up but talk out your frustration, then I told him he has to deal with this condition or I can't go on like this - that really shocked him & snapped him into my reality, but then in the next sentence he says "well my mom says nothing is wrong with me". I firmly told him listen instead of getting all these 2nd opinions from friends/moms go straight to the professional source & find it. I think he will.

My question when he goes to the therapist (I found one who treats BPD) what is done? Is there a Q&A segment to diagnose him.

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