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Relationship Health Message Board


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Your boyfriend sounds very much like my husband. We have been living apart for quite sometime now because of his issues. He went to counseling with me only because he was sure I had the disorder. He even went so far as to tell the psychologist he'd done research on the internet trying to figure out which one I had. Like your boyfriend, my husband is extremely sensitive - even to things most people probably wouldn't even notice. He also seems to have quite the imagination at times, and truly believes what he's saying. He never exhibits this behavior in front of others - until recently when he had an unemployed friend staying with him since April. There's no way that his friend hasn't seen/heard certain things. Maybe it gets hard to keep that behavior under wraps when someone else is around constantly like his friend is.

Read the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. I recently bought a workbook titled Stop Walking On Eggshells. I'll have to look at the rest of the title for you because it's in my car.

My husband has not spoken to me in a week. I have no idea why either. He started moving from the hotel he was living in into a mobile home his father helped him buy. Shortly into the week, his father was taken to the hospital & put in intensive care. My husband called me at 1am asking me to report him off work the next morning, which I did. He called sporadically once a day for the next couple of days - the calls were brief. Thursday morning he again told me his dad was too embarrassed over his problem and didn't want anyone to know about it. I couldn't understand this, but understood and said I'd send a plant. The plant was sent on Thursday and his father was discharged that same day. I went to the trailer Friday because I hadn't heard from my husband. He was there with his friend and after I asked how his dad was, he told me he'd been sent home the day before. He acknowledged the plant only after I asked if it arrived before his dad left the hospital.

His father stopped by while my husband was in the shower. I told him I was very happy to hear that he was doing better, etc. His dad talked about his problem, not in great detail or anything, but hardly gave the impression of being embarrassed. He spoke briefly to my husband as he was leaving and I stood back from the car to give them privacy. The rest of the night, my husband gave me the cold shoulder - only talking long enough to tell me I smelled from the reuben I'd eaten for lunch. I passed this off as maybe being overtired. The next day I went to help unpack/wash things. He barely spoke a word and when he did, it was always to snip me off or criticize me. I finally got angry & asked him what was wrong...because considering he's finally out of that awful hotel and his father is home from the hospital doing fine, I'd expect him to be happy. He just snapped me off with "Oh yeah, that's all it takes."

I never like to leave without letting him know I love him. He ranted & raved about being in a bad mood the last couple of days (but never said 'why') and that he just needed some time to himself. I gave him our usual 4 kisses goodnight...which he seemed resentful of. I'll never forget the gleaming hate in his eyes. I haven't heard from him since...and can't bring myself to go out there to check on him after being treated like that. I felt anything but loved and welcome. I realize he has no phone, but he stops by his parents' house frequently and could have used their phone (unless he doesn't want them overhearing anything) and drives past who knows how many pay phones on his way to & from work. I don't know what I did wrong...in his eyes.

You really need to read up on BPD to educate yourself as best you can. Like Nakita wrote, you cannot force someone to seek help for themselves. They have to want the help and it sounds like your boyfriend, just as with my husband, isn't ready to face the real problem. You may find yourself having to do some soul searching as to whether or not you want to stay with a person who treats you like this all too frequently and without it being warranted in anyway. My therapist put it to me so well after my husband quit going: "You can't change someone else, but you CAN change yourself." Keep that in mind. One thing I found that helped SLIGHTLY was to not react to my husband's tirades...it's what he wants. He'll do/say anything to bait me. I just refuse to 'engage' anymore.

Good luck and keep me posted. We're both pretty much riding in the same boat. For me, it's starting to rock just a bit too much for my liking. I've spent the last 6 months delivering carry-out meals to a hotel with scary people around, buying jeans-shirts-socks, helping with laundry, helping with employment searches, attending court hearings to be supportive, giving back rubs & foot rubs, even paying for a weekend get-away...all in a desperate, heartfelt attempt to convince my husband that I truly love him. It has brought me nothing more than a week of being ignored. But he'll tell me that I'M the selfish, ungrateful one. And I'm not supposed to be angered by that.

Hang in there. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Scared Wife





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