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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

I agree that eye contact is absolutely essential--there's no more foolproof way to make a guy come your way than hold his stare for several seconds and give him a flirty smile. It's important not to be shy or timid when around men you find attractive, as that can make for missed opportunities...if you ask me, it's better to err on the side of being too flirty than too guarded or aloof. However, everyone is different and it's also important to be true to yourself and stay within your comfort zone. I think that sometimes my tendency to be forward and affectionate can be a little much for some guys, particularly here in the traditional and reserved midwest, where I find many guys to be much more inhibited than the brash and assertive east coast men I prefer. That said, I don't know how ANYONE manages to succeed in dating in NYC, so I really think it's more the area than it is anything you're doing wrong or not doing, Sophia. That city makes it so difficult to start and sustain a serious relationship; it was probably the stress, pressure, and speed of the city that was one of the most significant factors in Patrick's and my split. How did everyone’s weekends go, both in terms of dating and in terms of how you are feelings about everything generally? I hope those of you who have been a bit down on dating and lonely lately are feeling a bit more upbeat after fun and relaxing weekends—please keep us all updated on how you are all doing in your dating lives and otherwise OK everyone?

I’ve been doing pretty well physically lately and have had a pretty busy and satisfying week when it comes to dating, yay! I wanted to thank everyone again who gave me such great advice on the last thread where I sought advice about two guys I'd been talking to online. Things have actually worked out better than I expected with both of them...the one who sent me the email wondering "where we were at" responded to my email in which I said I liked him and wanted to continue getting to know each other wrote back and said he really liked me but was a little concerned we were both introverted when it came to initiating contact. There is something really calming and relaxed about him that sets me at ease and makes me more comfortable than when I'm on dates with other guys, so I think he underestimated how assertive and take charge I generally am. Anyway, we went out again on Friday night, and while it took us a little while to warm up and get talking, just like on past dates, once the conversation started flowing, there were never any lulls in our discussion and we didn't notice the hours flying by as we talked about a variety of interesting, entertaining issues. I felt totally comfortable discussing anything from politics to relationships to my major nerdiness with him, and I don't think either of us wanted the night to end, but unfortunately I had double booked another date that I had to run off to after almost four hours with the guy I'd had my third date with earlier that evening. Before I left, he grabbed me in an uncharacteristically urgent, assertive, and passionate way and held me close while he gave me a series of fantastic kisses that have lingered in my mind all weekend since then :). I was disappointed to leave him and discovered the downside of double booking when I realized the other guy was not at all my type physically, yet another guy who claimed to be 5'll" when in reality he was several inches shorter than any man I find attractive. He just seemed really sleazy and while I’m certainly not opposed to drugs, I found his attempts to impress me by telling me about the drugs he’d done that night to be pretty immature and not exactly a turn-on.

Then earlier that week, I’d had a triple booked date night, starting with a nice guy I’d chatted with for quite awhile. Things went pretty well, though I don’t think there was any real attraction between us, at least not on my part. I did get some valuable advice from him about my profile and how it’s best to proceed after meeting someone from online who I hit it off with…it was really nice to get some feedback from a guy who had met me and seemed to have a healthy, balanced perspective on dating and on gender relations. Then I was off to a bar to meet another guy who I didn’t know much about…I wasn’t that happy about it because he was later than he said he’d be because he insisted that he had to go out of his way on the way back from work to stop at home, shower, and change. When he finally got there I realized that his picture must have been taken when he was noticeably thinner, because he was fairly overweight—with man breasts to boot!—and not that tall, which turned me off right away. I know I should keep an open mind, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when I just don’t find someone remotely attractive. Then he didn’t want to play trivia with me at the bar because he said he wouldn’t know any of the answers…he then proceeded to admit he had flunked out of one of the least demanding schools in the area three times (I doubt he ever finished). Not to be snobby, but intelligence and education are probably the two most important qualities I look for, and I’d like a potential partner to be at least as smart as I am in some areas. Then this guy’s friend, who was considerably cuter, came over and started flirting with me, which made for a pretty uncomfortable situation. Luckily, the chunky guy soon made a really ignorant, borderline racist comment, and I started questioning him about his political and religious views. Not surprisingly, he was completely inarticulate, obviously had no capacity to think for himself, and blindly accepted everything some church and the extremist conservative political movement spouted off. I told him that I couldn’t be less interested in someone with such bad judgment and walked right out of the bar quite abruptly. Maybe I should feel badly about being so rude about rejecting him, but he admitted that he hadn’t even bothered to read my profile, only looked at my pictures before trying to meet me, which is a big pet peeve of mine, so I think he got what he deserved.

He didn’t seem to get the hint though, because I’ve seen that he’s checked out my profile several times since then. I was pretty heated when I left, so I called the last guy I was supposed to meet (the one who turned me off previously with his concerns about cheating) and asked him who he voted for. Fortunately he had a good sense of humor and improved my mood, not to mention had voted for Kerry, so I was looking forward to meeting him. He definitely lived up to how hot he was in his pictures in person, and we had a great time hanging out together for several hours. He was fairly aggressive but also gentle physically, and I thoroughly enjoyed making out and fooling around with him. I uncharacteristically decided to email him right when I got home and he called me right away, then we chatted for a few more hours. I like him a lot and I think he feels the same way, as he wanted to get together again right away and has been really consistent about calling and emailing me regularly since our first meeting. I’d say I’m pretty optimistic and pleased with both him and the guy I’ve seen three times so far, and so online dating has been going quite well. I’m also chatting with 6 or 8 other guys who seem really smart, liberal, and fun, like we have a lot in common and could potentially hit it off great. I’ve started being more forward about asking guys if they want to meet in person after exchanging a few emails, as otherwise I’d end up wasting time emailing guys indefinitely when I might be completely turned off by them within minutes of meeting. I figure that’s a good way to be a more efficient dater (and get to go out for free!) without having to be too selective about who I communicate with. Meeting them more quickly will make time to email more guys than I’d be able to keep up with if I got to know every guy for weeks over email before having a real life date. Well, that’s the update for now…I’m not sure if my newly revised essay is getting as many responses, but they seem to be from candidates who are better suited to me and more enthusiastic about me than previous guys I’ve chatted with. So everyone, please trust that there really are some great guys available online, even though it can take quite a lot of time, effort, and disappointments to find them. But if you stay positive, keep at it, know what you’re looking for, and meet as many promising candidates as possible, online dating really can work. Please believe me that it is a great way of meeting people as long as you are willing to risk rejection and put in the necessary energy—don’t give up or get discouraged too easily, because your perfect match could be right around the corner! Anyway, I can’t wait to hear how everyone else is doing, and I hope you all have happy updates for us!

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