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Relationship Health Message Board

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Aug 23, 2005
My boyfriend and i of almost three years have been having some problems, it all started bc i got upset bc he told me he was going to south beach with a couple of single friends a couple of weeks ago, i got very upset bc we have never been on a vacation together and as a result of that arguement we decided to take a break. during the break i told him my issues with him ( which are basically that i don't like it that he needs to be out with his friends 2 times a week until whatever hours) that i needed him to be more involved in the relationship in general, his issue was that he felt that i was not trusting him that he was doing nothing wrong and that i should just let him be and that i am only complaining to complain bc he gives me everything he wants etc etc and he loves me and someday wants to marry me etc etc. so about two weeks ago i found out about this girl that he had been hanging out with and confronted him about it he "confessed" everything,says nothing happened between them that they were just friends etc even offered her number so that i could call her, i told him that i did not want to end the relationship but that i neeeded sometime to get over it bc i felt hurt betrayed etc, we had seen each other after that and all was well but not changing the fact of how I feel..

I lost my voice about 4 days ago and have not been able to speak, i went to the doctor where he said that the way that my vocal cords are not closing is a sign of subconsiuous stress and anxiety) and I told him what the doctor said, so i told him this and he asked what was i stressed about i have been distraught since the weekend he was at his friends house and i confronted him with the other girl issue and i told him then that i was hurt and that it would take time for me to not feel like that, I don't think thats a secret and that at the same time.everyone has there own issues to deal w/ in their daily lives, so I try to keep it in perspective that way. There is nothing for me to really complain about, it's just life.
and of course as my luck would have it, he is upset, he told me that he is tired of feeling bad and guilty that he is not asking for my forgiveness and that if he was stressing me so much for us to just not even speak until i decided to be over what i was feeling he is completely being defensive as if i have done something wrong that he thought that i was over all that, he completely flipped it on me i started to say how can i not be upset, i wonder if he kissed her, the disrespect, if he would bring her around his friends, the lack of respect and he said that he was tired of these conversations and to not call him until i got my s**t together and got over what i was feeling
i feel as if he is trying to shift his guilt onto me or something and i am even more stressed now bc all i am asking for is sympathy and instead he is acting as if i were the one that did something wrong

i don't know what else to do...why would he respond like that...i am tired of talking about the same crap too but would the tables have been turned i would never have had reacted that way i would think that him being in the position that he is in would put up with whatever he needed to put up with from me

i have exhausted every avenue to try to make this work and i am tired of trying

any advice would be appreciated
Re: Help
Nov 11, 2005
I agree with Daphne in that your significant other/someone you've been dating for THREE YEARS should come before your friends, and it sounds like this poster just feels like her needs aren't being met and that she isn't being put first, as in the situation with the South Beach vacation. Come on, South Beach is famous for partying and hooking up, and although her bf might NEVER cheat, the fact that he is going with single friends to a hookup hotspot might make someone sweat a little bit, especially since things in the relationship aren't going particularly well. It also sounds a little bit like nycgirl's boyfriend IS turning the situation around on her, because it sounds like he wants all the freedom to party all hours of the night and do whatever he wants, and she is actually questioning this now, which makes him mad. Nycgirl, if you and your bf were only dating for a few months it wouldn't be as big a deal, but you guys have been together for three years. I think you have higher expectations and define the relationship differently than your boyfriend does. Maybe he's too immature for the type of relationship you want.

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