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[QUOTE=eaglesgirl37] It makes me really mad to think of your ex and FFWB, despite all the people they've hurt, having no problem playing the devoted, pious role, with their hypocrisy apparently not weighing on their consciences getting in the way. Whereas you and perhaps some other kind and well-meaning women are stuck feeling sad and alienated from your religion, when you were the only one who actually lived up to its tenets of how to treat others. I hope you can eventually feel differently about church and find comfort in it again...[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for your support, your wise-beyond-your-years advice and your ear, EG. I hope I can find that peace again someday, too. I really used to love going to church, and all the parts that seemed archaic to me, like the no-artificial-birth-control and the mixing politics with church doings, I just sort of ignored. Then I met my ex, and he wouldn't let me ignore them anymore. Now I can't get back to where I was before. It all just hurts so much. And when the FFWB told me "well, he cares about what happens to you, he said he'd pray for you" just infuriates and frustrates me so much I want to scream whenever I think about it. I don't need or want his empty, meaningless, self-serving, self-righteous prayers. What I really want, and deserve, is an apology. For him to take responsibility for everything he lied about, using our religion as a tool of manipulation, using me, not being up front with me, pretending to be someone he wasn't to first lure me in, then kick me out when he was done with me, and doing all this when he knew I had been completely untouched when I met him and what that meant to me, and claiming it meant the same to him. What do yo do when you need, want, and deserve an apology when you've been wronged in a way that just messes with your head for one reason or another, but know you're never going to get one? I tried the whole writing a letter, putting a picture of him with it and burying it in a funeral for the relationship and all that, but it didn't work. It still seems to live every day. Wrapping things up once and for all with the FFWB might be a step in the right direction, I don't know. I just wish I didn't know what I know. I don't know how to get all the monsters back in Pandora's box.

And EG, I just went back and re-read the long post you wrote in response to Soulster's post. I think I must have glossed over a chunk of it in going back to soulster's post and didn't read yours as closely at the time, but wow. I'm really curious if anyone else following my saga agrees with your assessment. Actually, everything you said to me is what my brother has been trying to drill into my head for the past 7 years. And deep down inside, I know you speak an awful lot of truth. He had such a love-hate relationship with both his parents, it was rather fubar. A lot I dont' even know about. He had scars he swore he couldnt' account for and he said there were things he would never share with me because they were too awful. I feel bad even saying it here for fear of violating his privacy. It's so intense. Half of me wants to pound his head in, and the other half of me just loves him and hopes he's happy. The FFWB always thought he was cocky, proud and arrogant. He didn't understand it was deep-seated insecurity and false bravado. He told me recently that he secretly got a kick out of it when I used to "zing" my ex. I never even realized I did "zing" him. I never said anything intentionally to hurt him. I'm the youngest and the only girl and either had to be snotty and obnoxious or get passed over in my family, and I guess I didn't always do a very good job of switching gears from bratty little sister to loving girlfriend. It hurts now to know that my off-hand sarcastic comments may have cut him and he may have taken them much more seriously than I meant them. though I did get sharp tongued on a couple of occassions. We were in a grocery store once and Rod Stewart's Have I Told You Lately was playing on the muzak, and when the line came "you ease my troubles, that's what you do" he asked me "do I ease your troubles?" I was in a fiesty mood, and he just set me up too perfectly, I couldnt' resist, and I said, "ease my troubles? You are my troubles!" I was half kidding, but that was after he had already dumped me twice and put me through all the "now I love you/now I don't" stuff, so I was half venting as well, but he got this real hurt bunny look and said "the sad thing is, I think you mean that." It's moments like this that still torture me when I think I could have done so much better by him if I hadn't let my own insecurities get in the way. I guess I made it easier for him to cling to all the religious crap and cling to that rather than overlook that and love me anyway. If he ever really believed all that stuff in the first place. It seemed too convenient that he got religion after his college girlfriend left him, and lost it again after he dumped me. I guess I'll never know for sure what the real truth was. So he went for a woman who voted for Dubya, hates gays as much as he does, and runs the house like Sharon Osbourne to his Ozzy, even if on another level he doesn't have the emotional connection he had with me. Sometimes I think we were too much alike in all the wrong ways. We had the same weaknesses, and wanted to have the same strengths which made for either no one taking charge, or competition. But it doesn't have to make sense. I could rationalize it all day long, but the sad fact is, as messed up as it might have been, the good days with him were some of the best of my life, and he will have my heart in his back pocket until I die or someone else comes along and loves me better, whichever comes first. I know I would have been miserable with him, but I'm miserable without him. Ugh, it's nuts, I know.

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