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Relationship Health Message Board

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Hi there sweetie,

Please don't get yourself all stressed out over this. You have done nothing wrong and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty or worried about the repercussions of you being honest and finally resolving to cut that lying loser out of your life once and for all. Please, please stick to that pledge and never speak to him, email him, or write him again, for your own safety as well as your sanity. Remember that everything happens for a reason and turns out for the best in the end, and this whole ordeal with this guy is just a bumpy patch in your journey toward finding happiness and lasting love. I truly believe that, and considering this situation through that lens, perhaps it turned out as it did so that you would refrain from ever allowing this man to play a role in your life ever again. I believe he has been a profoundly negative influence on you for the past two years, yet fed you just enough crumbs of hope to keep you hanging on and hoping he’d suddenly do a drastic turnaround and love you passionately, wholeheartedly, and consistently. Instead, he did little other than lie to you, manipulate you, and use you just as he’s used every other woman in his life; I almost feel sorry for someone so incapable of unselfish, fully committed love, but not quite because he has stubbornly kept you hanging onto him in lieu of finding this kind of love which you and every other woman both wants and deserves. I know that sounds cheesy, but I do think it's true, and I hate to see you unnecessarily worried if there's no reason for you to feel concerned. But you definitely need to immediately cut off any and all contact with your ex AND his GF—please realize that any further contact could put you in serious emotional and potentially even physical jeopardy. This is an extremely volatile, toxic situation that must be avoided at all costs, OK? Has your ex ever given you any reason to think he could become violent--has he screamed and ranted at you, called you names, insulted you and put you down, acted excessively controlling, jealous, and possessive, lashed out at walls or objects when he gets angry, or otherwise has shown that he has a tough time keeping his temper in check? I would strongly suggest you do some online research on domestic violence if you feel you have any reason to be concerned; there are also some great threads here as far as how to recognize a violent man and avoid letting conflicts develop with him and get out of control.

I think you should also call a domestic violence hotline; it would help calm and reassure you to be able to vent to someone objective and trained to help in such situations. A hotline staffer would also be able to help you evaluate whether you have anything to fear from your ex. Hopefully his GF will stick to her guns and end her relationship with him ASAP--once this crucial window passes, the chances of your ex freaking out and doing something crazy should decline substantially. I really think you should give a domestic violence hotline a call also because you would really benefit if they could refer you to a counselor in your area. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you could use some professional, experienced help to work your way through the aftermath of this destructive, unhealthy situation which couldn't have made you feel very confident in yourself, your taste in men, and your relationship building skills. It's really important that you be able to vent all the feelings you have about the end of this relationship (of course we will always be here for you too, eager to listen and support you in whatever ways we can). Most importantly, you need to work really hard at recognizing and accepting that what happened was not your fault, that this doesn't reflect negatively on your worth as an individual and as a loving partner, that you will be just fine and have no trouble forming a healthy, committed relationship when the right, very lucky guy for you comes along ;). Take care and hang in there, OK? And please keep us up to date and vent here whenever you start thinking about him, especially if you start tninking about BIlly.

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