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Relationship Health Message Board


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I am so sorry for all the pain you're going through. I really think that the hardest part of letting of a very intense, intimate relationship is losing a friendship with someone you felt understood you better than anyone, someone you could trust to be there for you and support you no matter what. About six months ago, the man I considered the love of my life and the best friend I'll ever had decided he needed to leave me and move back home across the country. I got a tremendous amount of wonderful support and encouragement here

(here is a link to some of the best advice: http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=310508),

which I saved as word documents on my computer to refer to when I get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking. I think you'll see a lot of similarities between our situations, though I was fortunate not to have my ex get involved with anyone else and leave town so I didn't have to deal with seeing him every day. One thing I would strongly suggest you stop doing at least for the time being is talking to and seeing your ex. Mine is halfway across the country, which I think is a blessing, because I find myself regressing and taking a huge step backwards in my grieving process each time we have contact, even if it's only a short phone call or email). But anyway, I did quite well as far as getting over losing the romantic aspect of our relationship, probably because I started online dating soon after he left, but I still miss the friendship terribly and know how you feel. I am so, so sorry that your ex hasn't been more sympathetic and considerate when talking with you...yet another reason you will be much better off cutting ties to him indefinitely.

For what it's worth, I highly doubt that any of your positive assumptions about how he's doing based on his nonstop bragging are true: if he was really so successful at moving on, really so happy in his new relationship, and really so thrilled with everything going on in his life, he would most definitely not have felt the need to constantly boast and gloat about it. That's exactly what people mean about someone "protesting too much," meaning that they would not feel the desire or need to go overboard and make a big show of trying to convince you of something if they were honestly that content and secure and especially not if what they were saying was so true. It sounds to me like he is clearly overcompensating for some unresolved feelings or issues having to do with the demise of your relationship. Now please understand that I'm not trying to get your hopes up that he wants you back (not that you would be better off taking him back, not by FAR!), but he does seem to be willfully suppressing and denying the same feelings of grief and loss about the breakup that you have been venting, expressing, and mourning ever since he left. I really feel for you, sweetie--please don't let his desperate efforts to make himself look good fool you and get you down! He wouldn't have put on such an act if he didn't care deeply about what you think and want to impress you. Please don't think he never loved you or forgot about you or easily replaced you! That's so clearly not true; trust me, I told my ex about the new boyfriend I had after we split and how happy I was even though he wan't dating anyone at the time. But in truth, the other guy couldn't begin to compare to the intimacy and loving connection I had with my ex; it's just human nature to want to come across as happy and satisfied with your life when you catch up with an ex who you still care for. Trust me, he can't just forget about you or brush aside all the feelings he had for you...it's all an act! The way he acted recently was the facade, not the years you spent loving each other! You know deep down that the love and intimacy you felt for each other was genuine and heartfelt, and please don't let his phony act to convince you how much he's moved on fool you into doubting that. You at least are being honest with yourself and him and taking time to mourn...he seems to be pretty immature and stuck in denial. From the sound of it, I'd say you're the one who is coping better, but anyway, he's not your problem anymore. Just keep doing what you're doing, hanging in there, trying to have fun and keep busy, mourn when you need to, but focus your energy on embracing the future with optimism and a positive outlook toward all the opportunities in your path. Everything will work out for the best in time...stay away from your ex and it won't be long before you're feeling much better and understanding exactly why your relationship had to end when it did to ensure your permanent future happiness!





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