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Relationship Health Message Board

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I was with my ex for 4 years, we were very close friends for six years before that, since we were 16, I felt as though he was the only one in the world who ever understood me, and loved me for who I was, even when we were just friends, I trusted him so much. Than, things went awry he turned out to have alot of problems, and I moved back to school, so I broke it off with him, trying to still be friends. He was supposedly really upset about it , we were SOOOOOOOOOOO close. Then, after only four weeks, he staarted dating a FRIEND OF MINE! well, niot a good friendf, what's worse, she looks and acts like me, people have mixed us up for years. Well, they statred dating over a year and a half ago, and we stoped taliking about a year ago, I have been with a new man for eight months. I came home to visit, toi see if I could hanlde it, I want to move home but just feel overwhelned with pain and rejection while I am here. He was my best friend for soooo long, then just got a new girl, in A MONTH!!!!!
sO, I tried to be brave and see him today, since we have all the same friends, and basicaly avoid each other, and I am probably moving back around here soon, I wanted to see if I could deal with it- see how I would feel about him.
well, I sort off elt noastalgic and loving towrsds him, but also detached, I tried to have a open conversation with him about us, and my feeimngs, and our past, and he just kept trying to change the subject, we hug out for 5 hours, haven't seen each other in a year, and all he taked about was his new girlfriend, and how great his life was. It was like he was rubbing it in to make me feel bad for leaving him. Or mayvbe he was just rying to make it clear that he has moved on, I don't know
but it was weird, because he supposedly wants to be cool ewith me, butnin 5 hours hardly managed to ask about me even once! He talked about himself constantly, mostly saying "we" as in hima nd his new girl, he harld yhad a story to tell without her in it. It was almost cruel.
It just made me feel really sad becauseI feel like I was never special to him, after so long a freidnship and partnership, he just replaced me, I feel likeis he never loved me than no one will.
i feel used and taken forgranted and forgotten.
I FEEL disposable to someone that meant the world to me, someone I still love so much.
i don't know why I am wroting this I just wonderied if anyone has any opnion or advice on this
i don't pkan on ever contactng him again, it si too hard, buit I'm sure we'll be in our lives by default, we ae form the same town, with the same firends, and I am tiered of hiding out, I have for a year already.
did he ever care about me?? was it all b.s.? how do come to peace with this without feeling unlovable and unspecial and like the greatst love i've had was a facade?
[QUOTE=WhiteLily]Everyone goes through these feelings when they break up but not after a year!!! and I understand that you are with another man! How does your new BF feel about the whole situation, why don't you try to make friends with him and confide in him and invest your emotions in your new relationship instead of painfully wasting your energy on someone who at least is happy to see you hurt? Eaglesgirl has put the past behind her, and is very confident and ambitious and at least apparently happy and optimistic about finding the right person again. I admire her for this. You don't gain anything by tormenting yourself dwelling on your past. Maybe your current relationship is not emotionally satisfying for you? Move on then and NEVER look back. Once you find the man who will love you truely you won't look back. In the meanwhile I think that it might be helpful to seek counselling. Or at least go out and socialise with friends etc, and take any chance to know new people. Everyone here is TRYING to be helpful, but not necessarily by agreeing with you. I hope that you feel better soon.[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much, WhiteLily! I've been having a tough time physically and kind of down on myself emotionally lately, and it means more than I can say to have someone be so sweet and kind to me. I do feel overall quite happy with my life and optimistic about my chances of finding true love again when the time is right, but it was a tough struggle to relegate my last relationship to the past, and I know I couldn't have done it without everyone here providing such wonderful support, advice, and encouragement :). I think the insight you offer Mochi here is absolutely brilliant—I couldn’t agree more or have expressed more profound sentiments and more succinctly yet movingly as you did.

Mochi, I know how tough it is to try to get past someone who played such an important role in your life and was a closer, better friend than you've ever had before. It really frustrates me sometimes that there are people here who insist that they'll never be able to shake their love for an ex who didn't treat them with any love, respect, or consideration. I just wish we could get through to those people and help them realize that they are worthy of being loved much more than they can evidently imagine, judging by how they repeatedly insist that no one will ever love them again like their ex...that just makes me so sad to think that no one here can convince such caring, wonderful people that they deserve 1000 times more love than their exes were capable of giving anyone. Hiya, I was so proud of you today when I read your post about your ex and saw you finally acknowledge that he was the one with the problems, the one who was unable to love anyone but himself or form a healthy, caring, functional relationship. Every time I've heard you blame yourself for "screwing up your one shot at happiness" has broken my heart for you, because you did everything you could to be consistently kind, caring, and loving and didn't seem to see that what went wrong was completely outside your control and not at all within your power to have avoided.

Anyway, I hope you, Hiya, and the other wonderful ladies here, will someday soon experience the love of a man like Patrick, who loved me in a more kind, gentle, unconditionally supportive way than I imagined possible before I knew him and held me tight each and every night since we first met. The incredible concern, kindness, and sacrifices he demonstrated to me is what truly selfless, wholehearted love is all about, and I want you and Sophia and everyone else who hasn't been loved nearly to the extent you deserve to be loved to get to experience this at least once and not give up hope of it happening. If I can find the strength to move on from such an unusually special, rare form of love that died due to circumstances outside our control with the help of the wise and caring people here, you can too!! And Hiya, I truly hope that you someday will, do the same and open your heart to a level of unconditionally caring, supportive, and accepting love your exes could never even envision. I want that for you so bad now that I know that such love exists, and I think it's wasted on most people who aren't as sensitive, yearning for love, and kind-hearted as you, Hiya (along with Sophia et al).

Anyway, Mochi, I really do understand how devastating and soul-crushing it is to lose someone who loved you more deeply and intensely than most people are capable of loving anyone. I can see why some of the advice you received on page one of your thread seemed a bit callous and unsympathetic, but also keep in mind that you are feeling extra sensitive and vulnerable these days and that no one here means to be hurtful or unsupportive. I am glad that my advice proved helpful to you, and I urge you to read and save WhiteLily's suggestions as well, as I couldn't agree more with her sentiment and eloquent mode of expression. Remember that the only agenda that people have here is to try to help other people find happiness and fulfillment in lives, especially while they are feeling heartbroken, lost, and hopeless after losing someone they love. (Lisa, even though you make it clear whenever possible that you don’t like me or agree with me on anything whatsoever, I certainly don’t hate you or wish you anything but the best…and I am 100% positive that everyone here feels the same way. I am curious as to how you are pursuing your ex and why you think people hate you for it, and who those people are—I really hope you are not referring to anyone here, because I think the idea that we hate you rather than care about you and support you no matter what couldn’t be further from the truth.)

Anyway Mochi, I would strongly suggest you read some of Hiya’s past threads and realize that you too can follow her example and be inspired by her courage and the poignant words she employs to describe her painful experiences in the hopes of helping even one person avoid making the mistake she made in accepting her misery over losing an ex to the point where she risked never fully healing her heart. But on the other hand, I've seen Hiya make amazing progress growing more comfortable and confident in herself each and every day, even without a man to love, which touches me deeply, makes me incredibly proud and admiring of her, and gives me hope that even the most emotionally shattered, devastated people can find the strength to go on with life, which proves to me that ANYONE can gather their courage and move on if they try and work hard enough at it. You can do this too, you just have to be willing to take the more difficult and painful path in the short run (stubbornly refusing to dwell on your past with your ex) in order to embrace a much happier, more upbeat future in the long term. Please don’t hesitate to rely on us for any advice or support you might need…you may also need to be on your own for awhile to truly grieve and move on in your own private way. Like you, I got involved in another relationship soon after Patrick moved back home and while he was perfectly nice, he didn’t hold a candle to Patrick, though I think he did play a helpful role in assisting me with moving on.

Please don’t allow yourself to feel down on yourself…whenever you start to feel glum and think of yourself as unlovable and disposable (which deep down you know isn’t true!!), consciously force yourself not to stew in past, negative memories and instead focus on all the exciting possibilities for love and happiness that your future holds. If you can’t be a wonderful, consistently loving, encouraging, and supportive friend to yourself, you have little chance of ever finding a man who will love you the way you deserve to be loved and the way every woman should love herself. Please let us know what you think of the advice you received since your last post and try hard to actually give some of our suggestions a chance…all we want is to see you happy and fulfilled in the future, which should be brighter and happier than ever now that your selfish, self-centered boyfriend is no longer part of your life. Hang in there sweetie and keep your chin up—keep fighting to stay positive and optimistic rather than let the past suck you into misery and regret, because it’s well worth the struggle and it DOES get easier in time. Good luck, take care, and please keep in touch with your friends here!!

Love and hugs, Stacy

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