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I am so sorry for all the pain you're going through. I really think that the hardest part of letting of a very intense, intimate relationship is losing a friendship with someone you felt understood you better than anyone, someone you could trust to be there for you and support you no matter what. About six months ago, the man I considered the love of my life and the best friend I'll ever had decided he needed to leave me and move back home across the country. I got a tremendous amount of wonderful support and encouragement here

(here is a link to some of the best advice: http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=310508),

which I saved as word documents on my computer to refer to when I get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking. I think you'll see a lot of similarities between our situations, though I was fortunate not to have my ex get involved with anyone else and leave town so I didn't have to deal with seeing him every day. One thing I would strongly suggest you stop doing at least for the time being is talking to and seeing your ex. Mine is halfway across the country, which I think is a blessing, because I find myself regressing and taking a huge step backwards in my grieving process each time we have contact, even if it's only a short phone call or email). But anyway, I did quite well as far as getting over losing the romantic aspect of our relationship, probably because I started online dating soon after he left, but I still miss the friendship terribly and know how you feel. I am so, so sorry that your ex hasn't been more sympathetic and considerate when talking with you...yet another reason you will be much better off cutting ties to him indefinitely.

For what it's worth, I highly doubt that any of your positive assumptions about how he's doing based on his nonstop bragging are true: if he was really so successful at moving on, really so happy in his new relationship, and really so thrilled with everything going on in his life, he would most definitely not have felt the need to constantly boast and gloat about it. That's exactly what people mean about someone "protesting too much," meaning that they would not feel the desire or need to go overboard and make a big show of trying to convince you of something if they were honestly that content and secure and especially not if what they were saying was so true. It sounds to me like he is clearly overcompensating for some unresolved feelings or issues having to do with the demise of your relationship. Now please understand that I'm not trying to get your hopes up that he wants you back (not that you would be better off taking him back, not by FAR!), but he does seem to be willfully suppressing and denying the same feelings of grief and loss about the breakup that you have been venting, expressing, and mourning ever since he left. I really feel for you, sweetie--please don't let his desperate efforts to make himself look good fool you and get you down! He wouldn't have put on such an act if he didn't care deeply about what you think and want to impress you. Please don't think he never loved you or forgot about you or easily replaced you! That's so clearly not true; trust me, I told my ex about the new boyfriend I had after we split and how happy I was even though he wan't dating anyone at the time. But in truth, the other guy couldn't begin to compare to the intimacy and loving connection I had with my ex; it's just human nature to want to come across as happy and satisfied with your life when you catch up with an ex who you still care for. Trust me, he can't just forget about you or brush aside all the feelings he had for you...it's all an act! The way he acted recently was the facade, not the years you spent loving each other! You know deep down that the love and intimacy you felt for each other was genuine and heartfelt, and please don't let his phony act to convince you how much he's moved on fool you into doubting that. You at least are being honest with yourself and him and taking time to mourn...he seems to be pretty immature and stuck in denial. From the sound of it, I'd say you're the one who is coping better, but anyway, he's not your problem anymore. Just keep doing what you're doing, hanging in there, trying to have fun and keep busy, mourn when you need to, but focus your energy on embracing the future with optimism and a positive outlook toward all the opportunities in your path. Everything will work out for the best in time...stay away from your ex and it won't be long before you're feeling much better and understanding exactly why your relationship had to end when it did to ensure your permanent future happiness!
wow, that was some mean advice.
I left him because he lied about cheating. Well, it is more complex than that. But it wasn't like I up and decided to leave him beczauase he was too difficult, I helped him through drug rehab, alcoholism, ect, and we hadf three friends pass away while we were togehter. I can admit that I am being selfish by wanting him to at least awknoledge that I meant more than nothing to him, but I didn't writwe this post to be patronized, and I didn't see him yesterday to sleep with him or steal him back, I know it won't work! I just wanted some closure, bc he has given very mixed messages everytime I've seen him since we broke up. I have given him all the space in the world, I dion't call him and haven;t even visited this state in almost a year bc of it!
I wrote this post to help have some understanmding of why it seems so easy for him to have forgotten me, I mean, a month after 5 years and he has moved on? It just makes me feel like garbage. No, I'm not going to cvall him again, or see him again if I can avoid it, I'll leave him alone.
I just wanted some friendly advice as to why it is soooooo easy for him to have moved on, and I still struggle so much.
I already feel pathtic for stiill missing him, so I don't need anymore reminders that I am.
please, if anyone has some sensitive advice as to how I can really move on, even though I have tried sooooo hard, please ;et me know.
I have though anout therapy, but I have no insurance right now.
I feel invaluable and my self esteem has dwindeled since I feel so reaplacable, peaople in town even call me by the new girl's name, we look so much alike. I feel like garbage. I want to move on, and forget him, I kn ow it;s over, even our "friendship,"
but how do I move past the pain, and feeling rejected, yea, I left him, but I feel olike I was left, and replaced. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I could go on a and on, there are alot of details to our relationship that I didn't explain in my origional post.
I basically bent over backwarss for this guy, and he only gave a crap at the end of it all, by then I was so fed up, I wanted to move on.
but, I haven't obviously, i miss him, obviously, but I can let go of that, AI think, especialy afetr yesterday, but what I can't let go of it the HURT a nd this feeling that haunts me that I am wortthless, and replacable.
his talijg about her ALL day yesterday, and showing no interest in my life, made that feeling even stronger.
so, no, I will not contact him ever again, to move on and crap.
but how do UI recover my self -esteem?
it was not this bad ever before, I hjst can't get over being slapped in the face by the one person I thought actually loved me, and knew me through and thorugh.
I don't even jnow what i am asking anymiore.
just why has he moved on sooo effortlessly , at least it seems, and so suddenly.
but i can;t despite time alone, finishng college, a few states between us, no contact for a year or so, and a new realtionship.
how do I accept his letting go, and let go myself, without believeing I am unworthy of affection?

also, thank you eagle, for you advice it was helpful and reassuring. everyone else just made me feel like more of a loser than I already do. maybe you all had a point, but it seemed to be very assumptive that I want him back, or am trying to steal him away, I honestly didn't know how I felt anymore, except confused and afraid of coming home, I just wanted to see where I was at with it, so I don't have to avoid my past or my life here anymore, I am moving back to the area. The process of talking to him just brought up a billion doubts and pain and insecurity that I can';t seem to let go of. Yea, it might make me feel better to know he gives a crap about me, maybe that is selfish. But how do I learn to not care if he cares or not, or if he ever did? How do I let this go?
[QUOTE=mochi*]I tried to have a open conversation with him about us, and my feeimngs, and our past, and he just kept trying to change the subject, we hug out for 5 hours, haven't seen each other in a year, and all he taked about was his new girlfriend, and how great his life was. It was like he was rubbing it in to make me feel bad for leaving him. Or mayvbe he was just rying to make it clear that he has moved on, I don't know
but it was weird, because he supposedly wants to be cool ewith me, butnin 5 hours hardly managed to ask about me even once! He talked about himself constantly, mostly saying "we" as in hima nd his new girl, he harld yhad a story to tell without her in it. It was almost cruel.[/QUOTE]
Hi mochi, maybe he felt awkward being with you after not having seeing you in so long, so he just opened his mouth and said whatever came out. He was just talking about something current in his life, something that would be easier to talk about. Where as talking about your and his past together wouldn't be quite so easy.
I wouldn't take it personal. He probably wasn't trying to "rub it in your face", rather just trying to ease his own discomfort.

I wish I could tell you how to move on and not care anymore, but all I can tell you is you are not alone in feeling this way. I'm stuck in the same place a year and half later. So much that I AM trying to get my ex back, and I don't care if he's with someone or not, and that everyone hates me for it.
But that's bad advice, you are going about things fine. You must just keep continuing on in your own life and don't allow one person's problems to become yours.
I agree that you should focus more on your current relationship. Can you tell us more about it? How strong are your feelings for this guy? If he isn't making you happy, maybe that is why you are reverting back to thinking of your ex and thinking of happier times?
The only thing I can tell you to boost your self esteem is just think, you aren't as bad as me, so there must be hope. You are doing better than at least one person out there, and that's something. You just have to notice the small things in life. The little steps you have taken to move in the right direction, that often go overlooked. Don't forget to recognize these things and pat yourself on the back. Be proud of yourself!
I hope you feel better, soon.





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