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Relationship Health Message Board


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i am new to this board. i am 22 (going on 23 in a few months), a student, wife, mom, and i work two jobs. i feel i need to talk to someone that could not be bias for knowing me or my situation. i will start by giving a recap of my life. i was an honor student with all the athletics and academics behind me in high school. i got with my huband, age 19, when i was 15. got pregant, had my daughter may of '99 and married september of "99. continued to go to full time school, and went straight to college after high school. my husband on the other hand was not as ambitious as i was, and held on to under paid, non insured employment up to this point. i began wanting things in life that i thought he could not provide so i started working two jobs to save, we were able to buy a house by the time i was 20, fully furnish it and buy a brand new car. at the time of me being 16-20 years old i admit now that my behavior was childish. isaw RED when iwas angry and something always got thrown, he was to blame for everything, and i screamed at the top of my lungs sometimes. i would tell my husband noone ever handed me a text book on how to learn how to be agood wife @ 16. keep in mind my husband is very sensitive, very, and he took all this and never raised his voice but never argued even to settle things. i did all the financing, and he never signed checks. besides that he was a great guy. last year dec. 2004, i decided to leave. i felt that he was to blame for me working so hard and if i had not done it we wouldn't have it so worked extra hard. he is very nonambitios, he settles for the small things in life, growing up poor he's living in luxury now, but i wanted more. so i left trying to prove a point that he couln't make it w/out my income and good pay. itried to prove that, but all he saw was that i could handle it on my own and i didn't need him. anyways i come back after 9 days,and i began a frriendship with a male at my job, but he lives about 200 miles from me and comes only for meetings. but one night my husband comes over my new apt. and my male friend is there. notihng was going on, but my husband made me pay for crimes i didnt commit. i then quit that job in a second and the chances of me seeing that friend were NEVER, and my husband goes back to an old job because he said he had to get two 2 jobs now that i left. when i come back he works at that job staring in Jan.2005. new people are there and he becomes friendly with a female there. and so it begins. in Jan we began getting phone calls and hang ups at my house, isee the same phone# on his cell phone, then he says it just a friend from work. that they only talk about work related issues, he's a security guard how much info is there? this lasts agood 2 months until they are talking on the phone everyday, right infront of me, i allowed this because at this point i was feeling so much guilt for leaving, and having a male friend, and i realized how much iloved him. and i felt i wanted to prove that i woulnt let anything get our marriage down, so i let it go on. then one time she stops by the house and he goes out to talk to her in her car, i am inside crying and he said i was overreacting. then out of the blue in feb. he wants to leave me and says he cant get over me leaving him. i cry and beg and my family talks to him so he stays. the phone calls die down, but i feel like somethings going on. they start again, but this time i check phone bills and he calls or she calls him right when he leaves the house and they talk during his commute. then another occasion i call his job, ask for him and they say hold on he's outside, i hear" (his name) it's your Honey!", and they come back to the phone and say " (friends name) he'll be right in!" he gets on the phone and i make him tell his coworker that its his wife not her. so now iguess everyone at there job knows about them, the next day all of a sudden he wants me and hes buttering up to me, and says he cant explain why she said that. he swears never to talk to her again, but that doesnt happen and i cut off our cell phones. i actually finally talk to her and she swears up and down shell not talk to him but insinuates something more is going on. it calms down for a couple of months. then two weeks ago he wants to leave again and claims to still be talking to her. he leaves and i take him back but now i cant trust him. he did admit that he was haviing sex with her. but i did not ask when,why, how, how many times, or any details. then i find her apt. key on his key chain i take it, as well as mine. he comes back that night asking for it claiming they ended it and she just wants her key back. i tell him let her fear and know the feeling of fear: fear of a burglur,intruder,a nd invader coming into your home and invading taking whats not theirs. any ways he leaves for about two days, iknow for a fact they wernt at her apt. at the same time, they work 12 hr shifts, and they work the oppposite shifts. he left a thurs and fri. by sat he was back home sleeping saying they ended it, and he was just there to wash up and shower, but i told him thats not possible because when you leave you leave! that moring i went to the beach and he was so sad, we hugged, but i left i know he was there all day.that same day i get info that the "other woman" put a restraining order on both my husband and i because we had her keys. by sunday i went to church, came home to change and he was stil there , we hugged,no owrds, just long tight hugging. that evening i went back home to change back into church clothes and he cleaned up the hoouse very very well. i had a smile, then i went to the bedroom and on the bed, made neatly, was an open bible witha letter and my necklace. he highlighted some verses on forgiveness and adultry, and claimed that the reason he had been trying to leave me was because the guilt of him having sex with that other woman. he admitted that he tried to keep throwing in my face me leavingand having a male friend in my face as long as he could, making that the reason he was leaving. he thought if he had told me the truth that i would leave him, so he tried to leave me first thinking not to hurt me by telling me the real truth: his guilt. by monday morning it was my daughters first day of 1st grade and he gets off at 6am, so i figured he wouldnt be there, but he showed up claiming hed come to feed the dogs!!yeah right. when he stepped in from the sliding door he grabbed me and hugged me claiming that he was sorry, and he knew he wasnt worthy to be taken back into our home. but at that time i wanted him back so bad. at that moment we decided to make it work and move forward. my question is : did i take him back because i was vulnerable because of the past few months when he was rejecting me and befriending the other woman or did he come back because she left him or gave him an ultimatum, or did they really end it because he said i love my wife too much. but i think had they not fought over the keys, he might still be over at her place. but the letter he wrote me did have alot of emotion, but the fact is had i not let him back in he would have not fought to keep me as i fought to keep him even while seeing his affair roll out right in front of my eyes? we did go to one church counceling session, but now i think he gets upset over me bringing it up, but i asked him to go and get std and hiv tested, and i feel like he's getting ver it faster than i am.i want to forget this, but i thought my husband would never be the type to cheat, is a cheater always a chetater or is their faith??





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