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Is It Over?
Sep 2, 2005
OK, here's the problem...

My girlfriend and I are both 18. We have been together for almost 8 months, and our relationship, for the most part, was great, but right now, things are scary.

This will be long, but I don't think anyone will be able to help unless they know our full history.

We originally met through a friend of mine from camp. I was pursuing a girl I had been going after for, oh, 6 years or so. You know? The hopeless infatuation routine? Yeah. Well, like I said, my friend introduced me to her online and we hit it off right away. We had a lot in common, I saw her picture and thought she was beautiful, and after her and I had gotten to know each other more and we actually met in person, she told me that she liked me.

Since I was pursuing another girl at the time, I wasn't very inclined to see her, so I told her so. She talked to me about it, and eventually, I told her that I'd think about it. Mostly so I could break it to her gently. However, things didn't go like I thought.

The more we talked, the more I realized that I loved talking to her. I could talk to her about anything and she was cool with it. I felt special, wonderful, etc. and realized that she had become special to me too. We were both going to a party later that week, and I decided to surprise her and ask her out. I did, and our relationship took off.

We both felt better than we'd ever had been before. Eventually we grew to love each other. But then, one day, I found out that she had been worrying about something rather silly.

She thought I was gay.

Now, at first, I didn't take this seriously, but months later, it became anything but silly.

There's something I should say about my girlfriend. When she was 9, she lost her father to cancer. Her mother, who's like a best friend to her, went through a lot of mental anguish after she lost her husband and after she got over it, she remarried. The guy she remarried is a cool guy, but he has a short temper and a drinking problem, which has caused a lot of problems in their household. Somewhere along the line, my girlfriend lost a lot too. She went through a lot of crappy relationships, especially one with a guy who she wanted to be with but just didn't feel right with (his name was Jake... we'll talk about him later). She was diagnosed with anxiety and was treated for it and it helped a lot at first. Just a few months before we were dating, however, she changed medication because the stuff she was on was sapping her energy and emotions. However, in case you couldn't tell, the new stuff wasn't helping.

Despite her constant paranoia, our relationship still continued to grow. Entirely by chance (really, we tried to avoid it) we ended up choosing to go to the same college and since we lived an hour and a half apart, it seemed nice to finally be able to spend more time together. Over the Summer, she also decided to change her medication, but her psychiatrist didn't want her to.

Oh, also over the Summer, we had sex. It was the first time for both of us and it felt right for both of us, so we saw it as a good sign and she didn't say a whole lot about being afraid that I was gay after that (she still did though).

Anyway, at college, just the first week in, things got reeeeeally sticky. We were watching a movie and she brought up my gay thing again. This time, however, I finally convinced her. But after that, she thought that maybe the whole reason she was so afraid about me being gay was because [I]she[/I] was gay.

Suddenly, everything went crazy. She had a gigantic anxiety attack over her fear of being gay and talked with one of the counselors on campus and they talked about her going back home for the semester. I was sad about it, but I thought it would be best for her to be with her family and without the stress of school so she could finally get her head straight.

She got tests done and they found that she has a condition called hyperthyroidism which basically means her thyroid is throwing off her metabolism and hormones. They also diagnosed her with depression and finally changed her medication.

So now we call and talk every day. We're 6 hours apart now, so we can't see each other, and it's hard for both of us. Especially her.

Now almost all of the time we talk on the phone, she says that she's either afraid that she's going to come out of this gay, that we will grow apart, or that I am just another "Jake". She says that even though there are a lot of differences between the way she feels about me and the way she felt about Jake, she says that, like with him, she has trouble looking at the things I give her. Generally, she's just afraid that we can't make it through this as a couple. That coupled with her new treatments and therapy is causing her to go through a lot of pain.

She has contemplated suicide, she has told me things that she later regrets and says she doesn't mean, and worst of all, I can't see her or hold her and be by her side through it all.

She's afraid that we are doomed, but I think that the only thing threatening our relationship is her fear that it will end. She says she wants to let go of the fear but just can't.

She says she wants more than anything for us to stay together, but she's constantly afraid that she won't be able to.

Even though we both want to be together, are we really doomed to fail? Can we make it through this? Or will her medication and therapy help her get her head straight enough to beat her fears? And why does it hurt for her to look at the things I give her?

Sorry this was so long, but we could use some help from people who might have been there.
Re: Is It Over?
Sep 4, 2005
[QUOTE=dsleik]i think Laurie offers excellent advice and not only on this thread. what we are doing here is picking apart what we know from your situation and giving you advice and opinions on what we think. its just advice, you can take it or leave it but i feel that we all feel the same way w this. first, i think you are an unbelievable guy for wanting to go through this with the girl you love, no matter how hard it will be and what the outcome of it will be.... but i think also that youre getting upset because our responses are not what you "want" to hear. for one, i totally respect gay people, however, i would never want to be in a relationship w a guy who is bisexual.... its not healthy. the other thing is, how could you accept someone accusing you of being gay, when obviously youre not?...... the fact that she has brought that up on more than one occasion is i think, degrading. its hard to have a happy relationship when one of you will doubt the other in any way... its just not right. why do you guys think her therapists werent helping her, but looking up things on the internet, is helping her? if her therapists werent helping her, its because she doesnt want them too and is in denial of everything. therapists know much more than any unreputable internet site. as i said, i understand her family situations here, but this girl clearly isnt sure who she is and who she wants to be right now. i dont think having a sexual relationship w her at this point is the right thing. i think she needs someone she can trust and not worry about hurting her, and someone she can open up to. people who love eachother should be able to confide and share their deepest desires and worst fears. i see that she is trying, but i honestly think she is so confused that she needs time for herself to concentrate on what she wants without worrying what everyone else would want her to do.[/QUOTE]

It was hard to stick by her when she accused me of being gay from time to time. But I guess I just didn't want the relationship to end because of a ridiculous fear. I knew that I loved her and that she loved me, but that she was having trouble letting go of her fears which kept her from completely trusting me. It did hurt our relationship, but all the while we tried to get past it, because whenever that worry wasn't in her mind, everything was perfect. We thought that if we could get that one thing out of the way, she would have an easier time trusting me. And unfortunately, when we succeeded, it all started over again with her, and now she still can't trust me because she can't even trust herself.

And I didn't mean that I was trying to act as her therapist, it's just that when she would describe a certain behavior she was having or had a question, the therapists sometimes would either not give straight answers or just wouldn't know. Like her attraction to breasts. Her therapists didn't seem to have a clue what that meant and that scared her, so I tried to find a reason, and I did. I'm not trying to replace her therapists, I'm just trying to help her fill in some of the blanks.

She does tell me everything that's in her mind and it's a very scary place right now. After everything she told me, I really don't think her sexuality is the problem. I still want her to explore that possibility once her thyroid is treated and her new meds kick in, but I honestly don't see it as a feasible possibility. Mostly because, when we discussed that possibility, I asked her questions like, "Do you have the desire to be with women sexually?" and she said that she really wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything more that just casual holding hands or kissing with girls. The only anomoly I found was her attraction to breasts, but when I would ask things like "Who's breasts in particular do you find attractive?" she would say that she doesn't really imagine a person with breasts, mostly just the breasts. And I found this could be accounted for not only based on what I found that I mentioned earlier, but also because her mother couldn't breast-feed her as a child and although her mother would often walk around naked when my girlfriend was a toddler, she wouldn't let my girlfriend touch her breasts out of curiosity. I think that might account for her fascination in breasts as well.

Quite honestly, I'm not in denial. I'm being very scientific about this. That's just the kind of person I am.

I really think the problem is her inability to trust when she finds something that makes her happy. She lost her father at a young age and it caused her and her mother to go through mental trials. Her mom remarried to a guy with temper problems and moved her up away from their extended family. She had multiple failed relationships, just to name a few, one with an older guy who took advantage of her (not as far as rape, but definitely not pleasant), one guy who I mentioned that she wanted to be with, but just didn't feel that way about him, a friend of hers that she really did love, but he changed and she couldn't love him anymore, one guy who turned out gay after she dumped him, an online relationship that got creepy, and the one girl that I mentioned that she couldn't be with because she didn't feel attracted to her in that way. Then there was me. In the back of her mind, she "knew" that there had to be something wrong. A ticking time bomb. It was too good. I was "too nice", "too patient", and I suppose, in her defense, I can act fairly feminine from time to time (I hang out with girls a lot). That's why I think she would think I was gay. And when she couldn't make herself believe that anymore, her mind grabbed onto the flip-side.

I really think that is a more feasible explanation. What do you think?

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