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Re: Is It Over?
Sep 4, 2005
[QUOTE=dsleik]i think Laurie offers excellent advice and not only on this thread. what we are doing here is picking apart what we know from your situation and giving you advice and opinions on what we think. its just advice, you can take it or leave it but i feel that we all feel the same way w this. first, i think you are an unbelievable guy for wanting to go through this with the girl you love, no matter how hard it will be and what the outcome of it will be.... but i think also that youre getting upset because our responses are not what you "want" to hear. for one, i totally respect gay people, however, i would never want to be in a relationship w a guy who is bisexual.... its not healthy. the other thing is, how could you accept someone accusing you of being gay, when obviously youre not?...... the fact that she has brought that up on more than one occasion is i think, degrading. its hard to have a happy relationship when one of you will doubt the other in any way... its just not right. why do you guys think her therapists werent helping her, but looking up things on the internet, is helping her? if her therapists werent helping her, its because she doesnt want them too and is in denial of everything. therapists know much more than any unreputable internet site. as i said, i understand her family situations here, but this girl clearly isnt sure who she is and who she wants to be right now. i dont think having a sexual relationship w her at this point is the right thing. i think she needs someone she can trust and not worry about hurting her, and someone she can open up to. people who love eachother should be able to confide and share their deepest desires and worst fears. i see that she is trying, but i honestly think she is so confused that she needs time for herself to concentrate on what she wants without worrying what everyone else would want her to do.[/QUOTE]

It was hard to stick by her when she accused me of being gay from time to time. But I guess I just didn't want the relationship to end because of a ridiculous fear. I knew that I loved her and that she loved me, but that she was having trouble letting go of her fears which kept her from completely trusting me. It did hurt our relationship, but all the while we tried to get past it, because whenever that worry wasn't in her mind, everything was perfect. We thought that if we could get that one thing out of the way, she would have an easier time trusting me. And unfortunately, when we succeeded, it all started over again with her, and now she still can't trust me because she can't even trust herself.

And I didn't mean that I was trying to act as her therapist, it's just that when she would describe a certain behavior she was having or had a question, the therapists sometimes would either not give straight answers or just wouldn't know. Like her attraction to breasts. Her therapists didn't seem to have a clue what that meant and that scared her, so I tried to find a reason, and I did. I'm not trying to replace her therapists, I'm just trying to help her fill in some of the blanks.

She does tell me everything that's in her mind and it's a very scary place right now. After everything she told me, I really don't think her sexuality is the problem. I still want her to explore that possibility once her thyroid is treated and her new meds kick in, but I honestly don't see it as a feasible possibility. Mostly because, when we discussed that possibility, I asked her questions like, "Do you have the desire to be with women sexually?" and she said that she really wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything more that just casual holding hands or kissing with girls. The only anomoly I found was her attraction to breasts, but when I would ask things like "Who's breasts in particular do you find attractive?" she would say that she doesn't really imagine a person with breasts, mostly just the breasts. And I found this could be accounted for not only based on what I found that I mentioned earlier, but also because her mother couldn't breast-feed her as a child and although her mother would often walk around naked when my girlfriend was a toddler, she wouldn't let my girlfriend touch her breasts out of curiosity. I think that might account for her fascination in breasts as well.

Quite honestly, I'm not in denial. I'm being very scientific about this. That's just the kind of person I am.

I really think the problem is her inability to trust when she finds something that makes her happy. She lost her father at a young age and it caused her and her mother to go through mental trials. Her mom remarried to a guy with temper problems and moved her up away from their extended family. She had multiple failed relationships, just to name a few, one with an older guy who took advantage of her (not as far as rape, but definitely not pleasant), one guy who I mentioned that she wanted to be with, but just didn't feel that way about him, a friend of hers that she really did love, but he changed and she couldn't love him anymore, one guy who turned out gay after she dumped him, an online relationship that got creepy, and the one girl that I mentioned that she couldn't be with because she didn't feel attracted to her in that way. Then there was me. In the back of her mind, she "knew" that there had to be something wrong. A ticking time bomb. It was too good. I was "too nice", "too patient", and I suppose, in her defense, I can act fairly feminine from time to time (I hang out with girls a lot). That's why I think she would think I was gay. And when she couldn't make herself believe that anymore, her mind grabbed onto the flip-side.

I really think that is a more feasible explanation. What do you think?

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