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Really appreciate the support laurie864bla and dsleik, thanks.

Things haven't really changed since yesterday. The other man's wife has been in touch with my mum and told her how her husband was the centre of her world and wants to give their relationship another chance. She also, kindly, rang my dad and they chatted - she was extremely considerate.

It's getting more hurtful with my mum. I think I'm going to write her a letter because I want to make sure I say everything that's on my mind, plus the fact I can't stand to talk to her face-to-face. The other day after listening to my sister have a go at her and try to make her see some reality she came up to my room to talk to me. I couldn't stand to look at her, she walked in and said "do you want to talk?" I replied no and that was that, no tears, no sorry, out the room she went. The thing is I don't feel hurt and don't know why.

My sister can't get the imagines of my mum and another man together, out of her head. She can't think of anything else. Everytime she talks to me about the situation she breaks down and that hurts me. She started tracing things back and trying to work out signs/events which happened that relate to the affair. There was this one time, my sister had been at uni for a few weeks (she lives at the uni accomodation) and she'd come home for the weekend. My mum said she was going to this big shopping centre (about an hours drive away), and my sister saw it as an opportunity for them to catch up with one another. Mum told her she was only going for some running shoes and my sister was still all for going, but mum still insisted there was no need. This really hurts my sister now to know the truth, my mum was putting this man first - she didn't go to any shopping centre but around the corner to shag this man. My sister brought this up with my mum yesterday and said that that was really hurtful and mum just replied yeah it was - heartless *****!

We ususally have pizzas for dinner on fridays (those you buy ready-made and just put in the oven to cook) since its the end of the week mum and dad can't really be bothered cooking proper meals. Mum always used to come home late on Friday's and complain how her boss kept her late. Rubbish...again she was off having a great time with this man then coming home and spending the rest of the night in our company. The thing is I could possibly understand if my mum had been unhappy with her relationship, been out one night, had a few too many drinks and had a one night stand, but she'd come home after shagging this guy, obviously not feeling any remoarse and go off and do it again. How can you love someone you see for maybe 2 hours at a time once a week? She's never needed to argue with this guy, he's never had to be there when she's ill, he's never had to play the part of father for 5 kids, they've probably never even heard each other fart - I'm 17 and I can see this, why can't she? I'm obviously an affiar is going to be exciting, but what's she going to do when she's 55!?

Anyway I'm off to try and get my thoughts down on paper. Cheers for reading.
redsox-- agree with everything you said, but sometimes it takes getting to that point to realize you should have done things differently. It is their fault for letting things get that way most of the time. Sometimes it's lack of any social life, time b/c of children, and simply options--but one should try as hard as they can, even without many options, you can try to maintain a sense of self. Not many people go into a marriage wanting less than what you and your boyfriend want--but as the years go by and children are had, your relationship will change. It does for everyone, and some people can make this transistion well. Others can't...or won't do the work.

As far as using it for an excuse, I don't buy that either. I let myself get to this point I explained--but NEVER acted out by cheating--not even a little emotional cheat--nothing. So I don't think it's an excuse--I just saw how it could SO easily happen if I wasn't the commited wife that I was.

I was trying to explain the imperfectness, the humanity of it, so he could work on his relationship with his mother. It's already his reality and I just would love to see him get to a place of understanding for their relationship's sake. Understanding or forgiving is not condoning or enabling. Take care.

mini--be careful with that letter if it's just not a purge to yourself that will never be sent. Reason I say this is, my brother, quite articulate and 17 at the time, wrote one to my mom during their discovered affair and subsequent divorce. That letter still exists-and let me tell you, it is more painful for my brother than it is for my mom.

Looking back, he realized how much he hurt her with that letter and it was almost more than he could bare as an adult. As an adult, he knew there were a lot of extenuating circumstances that led to the affair, and he had forgiven her for it long ago. When this letter was found in a box of my mother's old things, by my brother, he was devistated that he did this to her, at how much pain she was already in, and that he added to it.

I know he should have known he was young, and those were his thoughts at the time, and very valid--but if he had the choice--I know he'd never write one again and send it. It's good to get the feelings out, but you may want to wait to send it when it's not so raw. I'm just saying you really may regret it and your feelings may change.

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