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My mums lost it!
Sep 5, 2005
Let me give you some brief background info before I explain the situation. I'm 17 years old and from a family of 5 kids, younger triplet brothers who are 13 and an older sister whose 19. When I was 3 we moved abroad to Saudi Arabia due to my dads job. I enjoyed Saudi, we all did, alot of good memories. We returned back home to England 3 years ago when the situation in Saudi got dangerous for expats. I've always felt I'm from the perfect family, in that we all love one another and are closer than most families, and outsiders have often commented on our closeness.

We went on holiday to Spain 2 weeks ago. Obviously with a family of 7 there's alot of us about and we're always bickering, as all families do - with three 13 year old lads it's what you come to expect. I was out one night with my dad and he seemed deep in thought and depressed. Anyway after a few drinks it all came it. He began telling me mum and him were having problems (this meant little to me as they're always arguing and I never doubted they wouldn't get over it), but it eventually turned out my mum had been having an affair for 5 months. MY mum. I couldn't believe this and still can't. My dad was/is distraught. Anyway I had to carry on the holiday pretending all I knew was my parents were having problems, and didn't have a clue about an affair. I made them both promise me they would give it there all to sort this out, there's just too much to loose. It would break my heart, my brothers, my sister, my nana, my auntie, they had to understand what they'd be throwing away, plus 25 years of a marriage.

Anyway now were back from the holiday. They've been arguing alot, this is killing dad. They've been to see a marriage councellor, but my mum, I don't know what's going on. She has no emotions. Me and my sister overheard it all, the affair, the fact she still loves this other man and although loves my dad, is no longer 'in love' with him. This was the first my sister had heard of it and she was in bits. She didn't sleep last night and I was up most the night with her. I feel I don't know my mum anymore. I haven't spoke to her since overhearing her actually discuss this other man, it's one thing being told your mum has been sleeping with another man, but hearing her talk about it and how she loves him, its outrageous. She doesn't know what she's risking. We have a really nice house, a lovely family with a great future, why would she do this? I've not yet been upset about it I'm just angry. She used to say she'd been kept late at work, while in truth she'd been off banging this man. She'd then come home and be a mum, how can she do this? I'm beginning to question how much she loves us children. I understand she may have fallen out of love with my dad but to be off sleeping with another man (who also has a wife and child), it's evil. My dad wants to kill this guy and I don't blame him. I just feel like my mum is in this daze and will one day wake up and realise what she's done, but I'm afraid it will be too late because right now she is obsessed with this other man. The other man wants to leave the relationship and sort it out with his wife and I think my mum is living in some fantasy world. She tells my dad how this guy excites her. She's a 44 year old mother, who does she think she is? I just want to know why she would do it. I can't stand to be in the room with her and myself, my sister and my dad would just like her to leave, but we love her too much to let her go that easily. Right now I feel I hate her, and she's nothing but scum in my eyes but I worry if we all push her and are so cold towards her, then she goes for this other guy and he's not there for her, what will she do then. At the end of the day she's my mum. Aren't mums meant to be the ones to protect you from getting hurt, yet she's the one breaking my heart.

Anyway that's my story and I don't really expect anyone to get to the end of it, but I felt I had to tell someone.

Really appreciate the support laurie864bla and dsleik, thanks.

Things haven't really changed since yesterday. The other man's wife has been in touch with my mum and told her how her husband was the centre of her world and wants to give their relationship another chance. She also, kindly, rang my dad and they chatted - she was extremely considerate.

It's getting more hurtful with my mum. I think I'm going to write her a letter because I want to make sure I say everything that's on my mind, plus the fact I can't stand to talk to her face-to-face. The other day after listening to my sister have a go at her and try to make her see some reality she came up to my room to talk to me. I couldn't stand to look at her, she walked in and said "do you want to talk?" I replied no and that was that, no tears, no sorry, out the room she went. The thing is I don't feel hurt and don't know why.

My sister can't get the imagines of my mum and another man together, out of her head. She can't think of anything else. Everytime she talks to me about the situation she breaks down and that hurts me. She started tracing things back and trying to work out signs/events which happened that relate to the affair. There was this one time, my sister had been at uni for a few weeks (she lives at the uni accomodation) and she'd come home for the weekend. My mum said she was going to this big shopping centre (about an hours drive away), and my sister saw it as an opportunity for them to catch up with one another. Mum told her she was only going for some running shoes and my sister was still all for going, but mum still insisted there was no need. This really hurts my sister now to know the truth, my mum was putting this man first - she didn't go to any shopping centre but around the corner to shag this man. My sister brought this up with my mum yesterday and said that that was really hurtful and mum just replied yeah it was - heartless *****!

We ususally have pizzas for dinner on fridays (those you buy ready-made and just put in the oven to cook) since its the end of the week mum and dad can't really be bothered cooking proper meals. Mum always used to come home late on Friday's and complain how her boss kept her late. Rubbish...again she was off having a great time with this man then coming home and spending the rest of the night in our company. The thing is I could possibly understand if my mum had been unhappy with her relationship, been out one night, had a few too many drinks and had a one night stand, but she'd come home after shagging this guy, obviously not feeling any remoarse and go off and do it again. How can you love someone you see for maybe 2 hours at a time once a week? She's never needed to argue with this guy, he's never had to be there when she's ill, he's never had to play the part of father for 5 kids, they've probably never even heard each other fart - I'm 17 and I can see this, why can't she? I'm obviously an affiar is going to be exciting, but what's she going to do when she's 55!?

Anyway I'm off to try and get my thoughts down on paper. Cheers for reading.
redsox-- agree with everything you said, but sometimes it takes getting to that point to realize you should have done things differently. It is their fault for letting things get that way most of the time. Sometimes it's lack of any social life, time b/c of children, and simply options--but one should try as hard as they can, even without many options, you can try to maintain a sense of self. Not many people go into a marriage wanting less than what you and your boyfriend want--but as the years go by and children are had, your relationship will change. It does for everyone, and some people can make this transistion well. Others can't...or won't do the work.

As far as using it for an excuse, I don't buy that either. I let myself get to this point I explained--but NEVER acted out by cheating--not even a little emotional cheat--nothing. So I don't think it's an excuse--I just saw how it could SO easily happen if I wasn't the commited wife that I was.

I was trying to explain the imperfectness, the humanity of it, so he could work on his relationship with his mother. It's already his reality and I just would love to see him get to a place of understanding for their relationship's sake. Understanding or forgiving is not condoning or enabling. Take care.

mini--be careful with that letter if it's just not a purge to yourself that will never be sent. Reason I say this is, my brother, quite articulate and 17 at the time, wrote one to my mom during their discovered affair and subsequent divorce. That letter still exists-and let me tell you, it is more painful for my brother than it is for my mom.

Looking back, he realized how much he hurt her with that letter and it was almost more than he could bare as an adult. As an adult, he knew there were a lot of extenuating circumstances that led to the affair, and he had forgiven her for it long ago. When this letter was found in a box of my mother's old things, by my brother, he was devistated that he did this to her, at how much pain she was already in, and that he added to it.

I know he should have known he was young, and those were his thoughts at the time, and very valid--but if he had the choice--I know he'd never write one again and send it. It's good to get the feelings out, but you may want to wait to send it when it's not so raw. I'm just saying you really may regret it and your feelings may change.

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