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Relationship Health Message Board

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Re: What to Do?
Sep 8, 2005
I disagree...this guy has kept you hanging on for two years now, giving you just enough hope to keep you from moving on or getting over him but not even close to the kind of love and commitment you deserve from a relationship. It's like he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. You really need to break free of this unsatisfying arrangement if you are going to get on with your life and find love again with a man who actually wants you to be his girlfriend, rather than someone he knows is around to hang out with or hook up with when he's in the mood without demanding anything in return. Long distance relationships are extremely difficult (and in my opinion, miserable for those with strong sex drives and at least one good, close proximity relationship in their past to compare it to...generally just a very bad idea unless they are for a limited and short period of time), but they're an absolutely terrible idea when one partner isn't willing to commit to being in any sort of relationship. You deserve so much better...this guy is keeping you hanging on, tossing you scraps every now and then to placate and appease you, but not providing you with anything close to the kind of loving, devoted relationship you want and should have. He's like disease for you at this point...I understand you are close friends, but if you want to get over him romantically and eventually have a love life in your future, you need to cut ties to him ASAP. I'm not saying he's a bad guy or that you shouldn't or can't be friends again in the future, but the way things are now, clinging to him is preventing you from mourning the loss of this relationship and beginning the process of moving on with your life as a single woman, finding your independence and hopefully finding love again before long that won't end and won't have such limitations and strings attached. You say that you want to preserve the friendship, but the way you make excuses for his unwillingness to commit to you and hold out hope that he might want you again in the future strongly suggests that you are holding onto a lot more than friendly feelings for him. I think if you are really honest with yourself, you will realize that you want more than that, and know that the chances of you ever getting the kind of committed, loving relationship you long for from your ex are slim to none. You need to let go for your own sake or you will be holding onto these slim hopes indefinitely, never healing or moving on, just being stuck in this state of limbo for the next four years while he has the time of his life in college, living the life of a free and wild single guy. You deserve to be free too, to have a life of your own, to move on and find a man who actually wants a relationship with you, who you'll be able to see more than sportatically over the next four years. I know it seems like it will be easier to "gradually" cut ties with him, but you need to make a clean break and you need to make it now. To be blunt, you've already been hanging onto him for much much longer than was healthy or beneficial for you. Believe me, I know how much it hurts to lose someone you feel/felt was your true love, but it only gets more painful and more difficult to move on and be happy and in love again the longer you hold onto something that isn't there anymore. He's moved on, and you should too, unless you want to spend the forseeable future yearning for someone who hasn't wanted to be yours for years now. You deserve better, and the only way to get on with your life and find the kind of love you really want and deserve is to move on...and to do that, you need to cut ties with your ex, at least until your feelings for him truly are nothing but platonic.

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