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Hi, Scott :wave: Welcome to the Relationship Forum :)

I must commend you first on your devotion & love for your wife & marriage. It's not everyday that we receive that wakeup call in our lives and act upon it rather than ignore it.

Your story is heartwarming and pulls at the heartstrings as well. Your love for your wife is evident and perhaps the salvation that your wife needs.

I must agree with CancerDad in the sense that your wife's actions stem from her past abuse. Although I was not subjected to sexual abuse as your wife seems to have been, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have learned that women who have been sexually abused often suppress their feelings sometimes to the point of inventing an alterego in which they at the time create for themselves another personality so as to protect themselves from what they endure from their abuser. Some go on to have split personalities and schizophrenic type behavior. Most never go that far but do act out sexually often subjecting themselves to a very promiscuious lifestlye sometimes even prostitution. So....having learned this I would defintely say that your wife's behavior has much to do with her past abuse rather than wanting an affair.... it is so unlike her as you have pointed out. I say this so that perhaps you may understand it better in the sense that while what she does is destructive to a marriage it may be her only way of dealing with the situation.

I think that perhaps your wife's self esteem went down during the 4 years that you describe stating, "My life was my family untill about 4 years ago. I found online gameing and it sucked my life away. I ignored my wife for the last 4 years, hell I ignored just about everything." This may have brought her close to the feelings that she had suppressed for so long and thus brought about the "wierd" behavior that you go on to describe. It's almost indicative of a rebellious teens behavior in order to get attention. It seems to me that perhaps your wife is crying out for help.

Has she ever gone for therapy to help her uncover the feelings that she had suppressed for so long??? Until she does and comes to the realization that she was a victim and that what happened to her was not anything to do with something she did or failed to do as a young girl....this defense mechanism and destructive type of behavior will continue. With therapy she may learn healthier and more constructive ways to deal with these past feelings.

I went for therapy and still find myself encountering the feelings that emotional abuse caused in my past. I find when this happens I will tell my husband outloud at the time I react in such a way that I am reacting as if feeling like I did in the past. He understands me enough to say quite frankly, "I am not Charlie and didn't say or do that to hurt you." It took me a long time to be able to articulate what I was reacting to....normal everyday constructive critcisms would trigger a fight & flight reaction in me in which I would become almost irrationally upset almost like severe PMSing and he would recognize this & reassure me by reminding me that I was safe and he was not going to hurt me. Simply by reminding me with the gentle words..."I am not Charlie." Over time with his consistent reassurrance and my recognition that I reacted this way due to something in my past, I was able to resolve most of this within our marriage. I think that your wife needs to be able to do the same thing. Until she can identify (with the help of a good therapist)...the feelings that she has suppressed and needs to address head on to determine that she was a victim who can walk away from this and not allow it to destory the good life that she now has, she will continue to do these self destructive acts. But with your love, understanding & support I think you may be able to get her there.

It is obvious that she loves and trusts you and she is going to need your love and support to get through this. Your telling her that you want to help and be there for her may be the greatest gift you can give her at this time. When you neglected her 4 years ago she may have lost that trust & support that she felt she could always depend on....reassurring her that you are there and that you see that as a mistake will help her to regain the trust that she so needs at this time.

I hope some of what I have shared helps. I know firsthand how much love, support, and patience it takes to help someone who has been abused. My family & friends and husband have stood by me to the end...and it was their love, patience and undying support that saved me. I keep those past feelings of abuse from haunting me by coming here and helping others who are haunted by the same. Somehow it is through having walked in the same shoes that we are best equipped to help others that are or have been abused. I pray that your wife comes to that realization and finds that there is a more constructive way to deal with past abuse by helping others who are in the same or similar situation.

Please know that I am here to help in anyway even if you just need to vent. Also please know that you & your family are in my prayers ~ Goody :angel:
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Hi, Scott :wave: Welcome to the Relationship Forum :)

I must commend you first on your devotion & love for your wife & marriage. It's not everyday that we receive that wakeup call in our lives and act upon it rather than ignore it.

Your story is heartwarming and pulls at the heartstrings as well. Your love for your wife is evident and perhaps the salvation that your wife needs.

I must agree with CancerDad in the sense that your wife's actions stem from her past abuse. Although I was not subjected to sexual abuse as your wife seems to have been, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have learned that women who have been sexually abused often suppress their feelings sometimes to the point of inventing an alterego in which they at the time create for themselves another personality so as to protect themselves from what they endure from their abuser. Some go on to have split personalities and schizophrenic type behavior. Most never go that far but do act out sexually often subjecting themselves to a very promiscuious lifestlye sometimes even prostitution. So....having learned this I would defintely say that your wife's behavior has much to do with her past abuse rather than wanting an affair.... it is so unlike her as you have pointed out. I say this so that perhaps you may understand it better in the sense that while what she does is destructive to a marriage it may be her only way of dealing with the situation.

I think that perhaps your wife's self esteem went down during the 4 years that you describe stating, "My life was my family untill about 4 years ago. I found online gameing and it sucked my life away. I ignored my wife for the last 4 years, hell I ignored just about everything." This may have brought her close to the feelings that she had suppressed for so long and thus brought about the "wierd" behavior that you go on to describe. It's almost indicative of a rebellious teens behavior in order to get attention. It seems to me that perhaps your wife is crying out for help.

Has she ever gone for therapy to help her uncover the feelings that she had suppressed for so long??? Until she does and comes to the realization that she was a victim and that what happened to her was not anything to do with something she did or failed to do as a young girl....this defense mechanism and destructive type of behavior will continue. With therapy she may learn healthier and more constructive ways to deal with these past feelings.

I went for therapy and still find myself encountering the feelings that emotional abuse caused in my past. I find when this happens I will tell my husband outloud at the time I react in such a way that I am reacting as if feeling like I did in the past. He understands me enough to say quite frankly, "I am not Charlie and didn't say or do that to hurt you." It took me a long time to be able to articulate what I was reacting to....normal everyday constructive critcisms would trigger a fight & flight reaction in me in which I would become almost irrationally upset almost like severe PMSing and he would recognize this & reassure me by reminding me that I was safe and he was not going to hurt me. Simply by reminding me with the gentle words..."I am not Charlie." Over time with his consistent reassurrance and my recognition that I reacted this way due to something in my past, I was able to resolve most of this within our marriage. I think that your wife needs to be able to do the same thing. Until she can identify (with the help of a good therapist)...the feelings that she has suppressed and needs to address head on to determine that she was a victim who can walk away from this and not allow it to destory the good life that she now has, she will continue to do these self destructive acts. But with your love, understanding & support I think you may be able to get her there.

It is obvious that she loves and trusts you and she is going to need your love and support to get through this. Your telling her that you want to help and be there for her may be the greatest gift you can give her at this time. When you neglected her 4 years ago she may have lost that trust & support that she felt she could always depend on....reassurring her that you are there and that you see that as a mistake will help her to regain the trust that she so needs at this time.

I hope some of what I have shared helps. I know firsthand how much love, support, and patience it takes to help someone who has been abused. My family & friends and husband have stood by me to the end...and it was their love, patience and undying support that saved me. I keep those past feelings of abuse from haunting me by coming here and helping others who are haunted by the same. Somehow it is through having walked in the same shoes that we are best equipped to help others that are or have been abused. I pray that your wife comes to that realization and finds that there is a more constructive way to deal with past abuse by helping others who are in the same or similar situation.

Please know that I am here to help in anyway even if you just need to vent. Also please know that you & your family are in my prayers ~ Goody :angel:[/QUOTE]


She did see someone years ago for the abuse. She is on meds now for her emotions. Right now this guy is just playing with her and its starting to piss me off. He has no idea of what this poor woman had to go thru, and how messed up she really is now.

Tonight I was watching my daughter at my old house. And she got home and went to take a shower and I gave her a hug and said I love you, she said dont say that I dont know why you love me. Then she ask me to stay the night, well I said no this time. The first time I have ever said no these last 4 months.

I need to talk to her some more tonight. I feel sorry for her at times. I know she still loves me but she is so messed up now. Thanks for the replys. It helps to know that I might be doing the right thing. Some of my friends told me to just go out and screw someone else and I was offerd from this one girl to and I said no. Others understand why im still here. While her mom and dad think im nuts. All I know is that I have to follow my heart, the times I have tried to be tuff she saw right thru that. She knows im not like that and im sure I have been used some this last few months but I let it happen just so I could be close to her when something did happen.

Scott





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