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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=Finished1984]Jeesh!! You don't find under six feet to be attractive?! That means you eliminate literally 80% of the male population....wow....well I guess that it's the same as guys who won't date a girl unless she has nice skin, slim, pretty face, nice boobs etc.....it just narrows your choices. But it happens all the time. And so many people are unhappy in their love lives....[/QUOTE]

Thanks Laurie! I always love to hear your candid, incisive input, and it's always great to see smart, sexy, and empowered women like you attacking the traditional sexist double standards that still all too often prevail when it comes to dating. No one blinks an eye at dowdy middle aged men who demand their dates be young and sexy, but it seems that men are awfully quick to label attractive, perhaps threatening women as shallow for being picky when it comes to looks. I guess it's understandable, as most men probably don't want the same exacting microscope with which they evaluate potential dates' physical appearances under turned back on them. For far too long, it's been expected that women evaluate men as much more than purely physical specimens, and unfortunately, we've needed to for far too long due to social, political, and economic inequities including the inherently unequal institution of marriage. Men just seem to get awfully nervous when women don't need to settle for one guy who doesn't wow us physically out of financial or social need...but if women are scrutinized and dispassionately eliminated as potential dates by men all the time based on appearance, why in the world can't we women do the same thing? It bothers me sometimes that you never hear anyone coming down hard on other guys for having very specific, discriminating physical standards for potential dates, even though many men hold women to a higher standard of physical attractiveness than their own appearances would seem to warrant.

I've experienced this a lot doing online dating...men under six feet either outright ignore my specification that I'm not interested in them or send me emails accusing me of being shallow for only being attracted to tall guys. To say nothing of the balding, overweight men twice my age who seem absolutely convinced that a young, pretty girl should be dripping with gratitude for the chance to date them and act very indignant when I'm not. I just don't think I should have to apologize for having precise standards and excluding suitors who don't fit the criteria I'm looking for, physical and otherwise. I don't mean to sound arrogant here, but I've always gotten a ton of male attention, and I'm lucky enough to be able to afford to filter out those who don't match the physical and mental qualities I'm looking for without running short of interested dates. It would be one thing if Laurie or I had trouble meeting enough tall men who had all the characteristics we're looking for in potential partners, in which case I'd say that we should reconsider limiting our dates to tall guys, but as it stands, there's nothing wrong with only dating men who we find physically desirable.

I really didn't mean to offend you with my response, but I sensed you were going to get a ton of, "no, height doesn't matter responses," which although they reflect the view of most women, aren't an accurate reflection of the way all of us feel, especially those who can afford to be very choosy. The truth is, I along with a minority of other women, just don't find short men to be attractive, probably in much the same way men don't find overweight women to be attractive. To me, they just don't seem sufficiently masculine or have an imposing, sexy presence...I've never been able to find one really appealing to me on a personal level. To me, it's absolutely essential that a guy be substantially taller than me in order for me to find him physically appealing. I'm sorry if my response displeased you; I was just trying to respond honestly to a question for which you seemed to want genuine answers. I don't think having high standards physically and otherwise has anything to do with why many people are unhappy in love, though perhaps there is some truth to the converse...I really have been quite lucky and happy with my love life as much as anyone can expect to be, so I can't accurately speculate on that. I don't kid myself that this is because of my intelligence or personality nearly to the extent that it's due to my having the kind of looks that (in my experience) are pretty much universally appealing to men. I know it's not really fair that being physically attractive as a woman gives one a virtually unlimited selection of potential dates and the option to be extremely discriminating, but everyone has the right to their own physical preferences. All of my boyfriends have been very picky when it comes to wanting a girl whom both they and other men consider beautiful and sexy, just as I've been picky in wanting a tall, muscular, athletic man who is also very intelligent, highly educated, politically liberal, and non-religious. I can't help that I don't find short men attractive, and I don't see any reason to apologize for it, though I would work on being a little more forgiving about height if I experienced difficulty finding partners who fit the criteria I'm looking for. I don't think there's anything particularly shallow about it, just the way the world works. But like I said, while women like Laurie and me see height as an integral part of a physically attractive man and are fortunate enough to be able to be so selective and still find compatible partners, many other women either don't consider height to be a big deal and/or can't afford to be so physically discriminating.

The most important thing is not to let your height infringe on your self-confidence, because there is nothing that turns people off more than someone who clearly isn't comfortable or pleased with his or herself, inside and out. And please please don't lie about your height if you decide to do online dating or some other kind of personal ad...it's not like a woman won't be able to tell as soon as she meets you in person. I was really excited about meeting a guy who exaggerated his height by 3-4 inches...I commented on the deception after a bouncer pointed out the discrepancy between his license's statistics and his apperance, and he got really angry and defensive and insisted that I was mistaken. Sorry, but you can't argue and badger a woman into thinking you're taller than you are or make her find you attractive if she's just not feeling it. Fortunately, I think most women don't consider height that important, or at least not a deal-breaker, though I think they're probably lying to say that a man being tall isn't an appealing quality in general. But I doubt it will get in the way much when it comes to dating, at least I sincerely hope not in your case. However, it's smart to be aware that it is a turn-off or even a dealbreaker for some women, and to not get angry or take it personally if you run across a woman with this view. People can't help who and what they find attractive, but I have no doubt that there are women out there who will love and want you just the way you are. Good luck, best wishes, and happy dating!! :wave:
[QUOTE=eaglesgirl37]Thanks Laurie! I always love to hear your candid, incisive input, and it's always great to see smart, sexy, and empowered women like you attacking the traditional sexist double standards that still all too often prevail when it comes to dating. No one blinks an eye at dowdy middle aged men who demand their dates be young and sexy, but it seems that men are awfully quick to label attractive, perhaps threatening women as shallow for being picky when it comes to looks. I guess it's understandable, as most men probably don't want the same exacting microscope with which they evaluate potential dates' physical appearances under turned back on them. For far too long, it's been expected that women evaluate men as much more than purely physical specimens, and unfortunately, we've needed to for far too long due to social, political, and economic inequities including the inherently unequal institution of marriage. Men just seem to get awfully nervous when women don't need to settle for one guy who doesn't wow us physically out of financial or social need...but if women are scrutinized and dispassionately eliminated as potential dates by men all the time based on appearance, why in the world can't we women do the same thing? It bothers me sometimes that you never hear anyone coming down hard on other guys for having very specific, discriminating physical standards for potential dates, even though many men hold women to a higher standard of physical attractiveness than their own appearances would seem to warrant.

I've experienced this a lot doing online dating...men under six feet either outright ignore my specification that I'm not interested in them or send me emails accusing me of being shallow for only being attracted to tall guys. To say nothing of the balding, overweight men twice my age who seem absolutely convinced that a young, pretty girl should be dripping with gratitude for the chance to date them and act very indignant when I'm not. I just don't think I should have to apologize for having precise standards and excluding suitors who don't fit the criteria I'm looking for, physical and otherwise. I don't mean to sound arrogant here, but I've always gotten a ton of male attention, and I'm lucky enough to be able to afford to filter out those who don't match the physical and mental qualities I'm looking for without running short of interested dates. It would be one thing if Laurie or I had trouble meeting enough tall men who had all the characteristics we're looking for in potential partners, in which case I'd say that we should reconsider limiting our dates to tall guys, but as it stands, there's nothing wrong with only dating men who we find physically desirable.

I really didn't mean to offend you with my response, but I sensed you were going to get a ton of, "no, height doesn't matter responses," which although they reflect the view of most women, aren't an accurate reflection of the way all of us feel, especially those who can afford to be very choosy. The truth is, I along with a minority of other women, just don't find short men to be attractive, probably in much the same way men don't find overweight women to be attractive. To me, they just don't seem sufficiently masculine or have an imposing, sexy presence...I've never been able to find one really appealing to me on a personal level. To me, it's absolutely essential that a guy be substantially taller than me in order for me to find him physically appealing. I'm sorry if my response displeased you; I was just trying to respond honestly to a question for which you seemed to want genuine answers. I don't think having high standards physically and otherwise has anything to do with why many people are unhappy in love, though perhaps there is some truth to the converse...I really have been quite lucky and happy with my love life as much as anyone can expect to be, so I can't accurately speculate on that. I don't kid myself that this is because of my intelligence or personality nearly to the extent that it's due to my having the kind of looks that (in my experience) are pretty much universally appealing to men. I know it's not really fair that being physically attractive as a woman gives one a virtually unlimited selection of potential dates and the option to be extremely discriminating, but everyone has the right to their own physical preferences. All of my boyfriends have been very picky when it comes to wanting a girl whom both they and other men consider beautiful and sexy, just as I've been picky in wanting a tall, muscular, athletic man who is also very intelligent, highly educated, politically liberal, and non-religious. I can't help that I don't find short men attractive, and I don't see any reason to apologize for it, though I would work on being a little more forgiving about height if I experienced difficulty finding partners who fit the criteria I'm looking for. I don't think there's anything particularly shallow about it, just the way the world works. But like I said, while women like Laurie and me see height as an integral part of a physically attractive man and are fortunate enough to be able to be so selective and still find compatible partners, many other women either don't consider height to be a big deal and/or can't afford to be so physically discriminating.

The most important thing is not to let your height infringe on your self-confidence, because there is nothing that turns people off more than someone who clearly isn't comfortable or pleased with his or herself, inside and out. And please please don't lie about your height if you decide to do online dating or some other kind of personal ad...it's not like a woman won't be able to tell as soon as she meets you in person. I was really excited about meeting a guy who exaggerated his height by 3-4 inches...I commented on the deception after a bouncer pointed out the discrepancy between his license's statistics and his apperance, and he got really angry and defensive and insisted that I was mistaken. Sorry, but you can't argue and badger a woman into thinking you're taller than you are or make her find you attractive if she's just not feeling it. Fortunately, I think most women don't consider height that important, or at least not a deal-breaker, though I think they're probably lying to say that a man being tall isn't an appealing quality in general. But I doubt it will get in the way much when it comes to dating, at least I sincerely hope not in your case. However, it's smart to be aware that it is a turn-off or even a dealbreaker for some women, and to not get angry or take it personally if you run across a woman with this view. People can't help who and what they find attractive, but I have no doubt that there are women out there who will love and want you just the way you are. Good luck, best wishes, and happy dating!! :wave:[/QUOTE]

You got cliff notes for that essay. I ain't readin' all that!! :D





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