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Relationship Health Message Board

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For any of you who recognize me from my previous posts, yes I am here about the same situation that I was here about last April. It is still bothering me very much. I am living with the X until I get someone to take my room. I have ads in the papers and I am trying to get out. But for now, I have to see her every day and it is killing me. On to the recent happenings...

For those who don't know, my gf cheated on me last April. I have been through stages where I wanted to forgive her, where I wanted to never see her again. I've cried because I still love her and I've gotten mad and made myself think that I hate her. I've drank way too much and that sure doesn't help either as it just causes a scene like the one that brings me here. But the truth is that all I have wanted since it happens is to be with her. I love her more than anything in this world. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. Saturday night, we got in a little argument. She had fought with her mother and was in a really bad mood and unfortunately, I was the first one she saw and she took it out on me. She said something to me that killed me. I know this sounds harmless, but she said I was just like my dad. I'm not going into why that is so bad, but she knows that those words hurt me worse than any others she could say. I cut loose. I yelled at her. I called her some names, I told her she screwed up a great thing. I was really mean. Then I did it. I got in touch with the girlfriend of the guy she cheated on me with and I told her what happened. I don't know why I did it, but I did. Now I have done it. I want her back more than anything, but I don't see how she can ever forgive me. She told me the next day what I said to her. I haven't slept a wink since. I can't believe the things I said to her. Why did I do that? I love her and I can't understand why I would, in my wildest dreams, try to hurt her like that. I have taken something like her cheating on me and I have turned it completely around and now the blame falls on me. I can't hardly look in the mirror at myself. My life has changed and I don't think I'll ever make it back to the person I was. I told her I wouldn't blame her a bit if she never wanted to look at me again. I don't even want to, so why would she? Here I am, in worse shape five months after the incident than I was when it happened. I'm not sure what I am even asking here. Sorry so long.

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