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Hi Nakita & Rosequartz,

Hope you're both having a nice Friday evening. Nakita, how are you feeling? I really hope you're on the mend. How's that terrific husband of yours? :) Feel free to dump on me any time you need to - I'm here for you, too. Please don't forget that.

I thought I'd share a couple of paragraphs from the letter (it's too long to copy all of it) I sent to my husband in the mail today. I did my best not to let it come across as an angry or accusing letter. I sure hope both of you agree that I accomplished that. I am fully aware that he will react defensively about it - if he bothers to react at all. Two of my friends think he will try to do something nice for me, etc. I highly doubt that. He's too much of an angry person hitting rock bottom to do something 'nice' for me. If he did, I'd be totally shocked. Here goes:

Do you remember the way you used to talk to me when we first met? How you told me I was perfect, have good values & morals, was responsible with a great work ethic you could only dream of finding in an employee for yourself? You didn't want me to change. (Next I inserted Rose's line about being talked to like a subordinate not as a wife).

I'm not your scapegoat. I'm not your whipping boy. I am not your enemy. I am your wife. I deserve to be treated with respect and nothing less. You are responsible for controlling your own anger, not me.

I treat people the way I want to be treated, and I cannot remember one instance where I treated you disrespectfully, raised my voice at you to try to intimidate you, called you names, attacked your self-esteem, sitting beside you & coldly ignoring you, glaring at you with hatred in my eyes, threatening to leave you, dangling past relationships in front of you & comparing you to them or any of the other tactics you have used on me.

Xxxxx, please listen to my plea: PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES. (I listed what I've done in recent months alone that would be considered loving/caring.)

This time, I have absolutely no idea what is troubling you. I have spent the past week and a half wondering if something bad happened at work, if you got some kind of bad news, if you had a disagreement with one or both of your parents or Steve, if maybe your sister's furniture was damaged while in the storage unit, if creditors are coming down on you hard, if you got bad news about your lawsuit. I have no idea. You gave me directions to the trailer that last Sunday night you spent at the hotel. The last thing I expected was to be made to feel so unwelcome/unwanted so suddenly at the end of that week. Part of me wants so badly to show up and see if you're OK. The other part of me remembers too clearly how I was made to feel the last two times that I did. There's been no phone call or email offering an apology or explanation so that I'd know where I stand with you. Is this fair to me, Xxxxx? (Next I wrote my version of those wonderful "I" statements)

You throw things in my face. You blame me for your unpaid bills. You tell me I don't love you & show supportiveness in spite of my continual actions & words that prove the opposite. You tell me I smell from a sandwich I had for lunch & go so far as to blast the a/c & put the windows down in the car. You call me names - & I'm not talking about those said in jest. You accuse me of things. You tell me you've got a hacking program in my home pc and my work pc as well as in your parents' pc. You check my cell phone to see who I've talked to. You will openly eavesdrop on a phone call from Kim. I have repeatedly overlooked these behaviors & accepted your explanations for you and have even made excuses of my own for you. Do you do these things to Steve? To your parents?

When you agreed to the marriage counseling, I felt you were committed to the marriage. When you quit because of business/financial problems, I was understanding & continued with it on my own. In weeks you found time & funding for flying lessons with no mention of returning to counseling. It hit me every time I saw you pull out that credit card to fill up the tank in Greg's plane and when you treated your employee to $75 worth of fireworks after just handing him a $650 paycheck. When you expressed dislike for the dr., I suggested we find another one. You refused. I have watched you commit yourself to causes involving hobbies & friends, but not to me or to us. That hurts. That's a disappointment. That's not 'commitment'. Still, I kept at it - seeking help every place I could find it: counselors, psychologists, support groups, books, workbooks, message boards. How can I continue to get help for problems I'm repeatedly being told I don't have? Every counselor eventually questions me on your lack of involvement, your lack of participation & tells me I extend myself too much to you because they don't see you giving anything substantial back. I refused to accept that - because I believed in you. Some have told me you don't even act like you 'like' me, much less 'love' me. I refused to accept that; I chose to believe you. They question your priorities & where your marriage falls into that ever-changing list, because you will obligate & extend yourself to others but not to your wife or your marriage. This 'believing' in you - that's one of the main things you were asking for, right? Why would you even want me to go it alone if it's supposed to be for 'us' in the long run? I don't understand that from you. Where's your support of me? Of us?


There's more to this letter but I'm getting tired & don't have great lighting by my computer right now. I'll share more tomorrow if you want to hear more. I just kept reiterating throughout the letter my love for him, that I'm not sitting here holding a grudge as he likes to think - but that I simply feel unwanted & unwelcome & cannot subject myself to that hostility anymore.

What do you girls think? I almost didn't mail it - I almost chickened out. But, then I figured I've got practically nothing to lose at this point anyway. Now I'm bracing for the response (or the lack of one). Neither of which is going to be easy on my mind or my heart.

Hope you guys are doing something a little fun tonight. We had a local festival last weekend that I spent an hour walking around. Tonight I just opted for the couch & a nap...after sharing a snack with my pooch. Nakita, is that little pup of yours leaving your medications alone? :)

Lori





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