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I'm not sure where to begin, and would appreciate all your feedback!

December 2004 I met a new boyfriend, I'm 45, he's 44.
Everything was great for 3 months and then almost exactly at the 3 month point, he turned into a monster control freak about EVERYTHING.....
But back to the 1st 3 months. We met 3 weeks before Christmas, and really hit it off. Within 2 weeks we were falling in love.
At Christmas he showered me with gifts, more than I ever imagined. I thought he was overcompensating for something, but I was so happy with the way things were going at that time (but I did make a mental note, that it was just TOO much).
At the 3 month point, he would lose his temper in an instant, became bossy, manipulative, controlling, and volitile. I tried to communicate with him, to work things out. I told him he needed anger management (because that was what I thought the problem was at that time). I then found out thru extensive research that he has borderline personality disorder, and that the anger is not the problem, the anger is the symptom. I read the book, I hate you, don't leave me, and I am currently reading, stop walking on eggshells, taking your life back when someone you care about has BPD. These books opened my eyes! I thought maybe we had a chance at this relationship, but now that I realize why he acts this way, I think it's hopeless.
I wrote him a letter, before I realized that it is BPD, and now re-reading the letter, it's OBVIOUS that's what it is. I apologize for the length, but I think it's more explanatory to post the actual letter than to re-invent the wheel. I'm sad and disappointed because I feel that there is absolutely no chance, , of this working out. He has been calling, begging me to come back, but I see that's also a symptom, fear of abandonment, and doing anything to avoid being abandoned.
If anyone cares to read all this, here it is.

Dear XXX,
Iíve got a lot to say to you. I hope you read this objectively and really try to understand my point of view, because Iím speaking from the heart.

You have so many good qualities that itís a terrible shame that your need to control and dominate overshadows them.

Do you remember the note with the flowers? Donít change anything, Iím nuts about you!

Well you changed everything. How did you go from treating me wonderfully to yelling, bullying and trying to control? How did you go from treating me with respect to thinking you have the right to talk to me like a subordinate?

Iím pretty sure you act like this because of your father. Iím sorry but itís pretty obviousÖjust take a step back and try to look at it objectively. From what youíve told me about him, Iíve come to the conclusion that your father was abusive. You learned to act like him, evident in your bullying and your anger issues. You learned to try to control thru intimidation and fear because thatís what he did to you. Parents teach us a lot more than just our A,B,Cís, donít they?

Iím not your scapegoat. You are responsible for controlling your own anger.

I told you before. Iíve lived like that and donít plan on doing it again. Did you hear me when I said that? Did you understand? My ex husband was abusive. I recognize the signs.

One time you and I were discussing you rescuing your sister from an abusive relationship and I said (sarcastically) ďdid you ask your sister what she did to make him angry?Ē You looked surprised, like maybe you had a revelation and saw it from the other point of view. I thought maybe it would make sense in those termsÖÖ.did it?

Do you understand that itís never right to take your anger out on someone else? Verbally, emotionally, or physically?

I treat people the way I want to be treated and I canít remember EVER treating you disrespectful or raising my voice at you to try to intimidate you, calling you names, hanging up on you, threatening to leave you, storming out or any of the other tactics you have used on me.

XXX OPEN YOUR EYES

I have been nothing BUT good to you. What about all that nice stuff you said to me in the beginning? ďIíll do anything for you SweetieĒ. Was it just BS?

The one thing you can do for yourself is to get control of your anger, get control of your temper. You are responsible for itÖ..no one else.

You need to realize that this has nothing to do with me. You were angry before you met me and you will be angry the rest of your life unless you decide to make a change. Have you noticed that itís never your fault that you get angry? Itís always someone elses fault, whether itís me, your sister, your brother, or the driver who coasts thru a stop sign without fully stopping. Iím sorry, when you say ďyou make me so angry, StephanieĒ, it just doesnít fly.

I canít just turn my emotions off and back on again. I donít like the way you have been treating me lately and Iím tired of all your controlling ********. I see a pattern. Youíre nice for a while, saying what you think I want to hear, and then when I start believing it again then you start to tighten your grip and make unreasonable demands. You say weíre arguing. Weíre not arguing. Youíre mistaking whatís happening for an argument. Whatís really happening is, Youíre stepping on my reality, on my identity and Iím struggling to retain it. Your ******** about wearing the pants. What makes you think that you should make my decisions for me? What makes you think that if we have two different viewpoints that yours should override mine? Without even hearing me out, without even listening to my point of viewÖ..Because you have a penis and I donít? What makes you think you have the right to make demands on me and try to impose your will on me? If you had your way Iíd only speak when spoken to, and only then if Iím in agreement with you. Iím not a stepford wife.

Maybe we have two different ideas of what a relationship should be. I want a partnership, you seem to think it should be a dictatorship.

Iím a strong woman. Iím not submissive. Iím a smart person. I have a brain. I have a mind. I have intuition. I have decision making skills. I have survival skills. I understand human behavior. Iíve learned a few things in my 45 years. I read all kinds of stuff. Iím up on current events, politics, etc. I work. I own and take care of this apartment building. I pay my bills. I take care of Junior. Iím responsible. I treat people with respect. I donít need to put up with ********. I can survive fine on my own. I donít know why you wouldnít think youíd be lucky to have a woman like that, and I donít understand why you would want to squash who I am and make me into a stepford wife. Itís not going to happen.

I told you before. I am not going to be with someone who manipulates, controls, or tries to bully me. My ex-husband did that. Have a baby or Iíll divorce you. Sign a home equity loan to pay my gambling debts off or Iíll divorce you. Do this or Iíll divorce you, Do that or Iíll divorce you. I lived like that for 10 years. I got away from it and it took a while to recover. I donít plan on living like that again. I donít have to. Do you understand that? Do you??

And you have the nerve to throw up in my face about a failed marriage? Let me tell you something that Iíve told you before. Maybe you forgot. My ex husband tried to manipulate, control and bully me into having a baby. Finally he left meÖÖnot because he wanted to leave me, but because he thought I wouldnít be able to live without him and would beg him back and give in to his demands to have a baby. Thatís called manipulation. Oh well, it didnít workÖÖ..do you see where Iím going with this?

In a way I feel deja vu with you taking all your stuff home and all your threats. I donít think you really wanted to go home. I think you were pulling the same **** my ex husband pulled. It was a controlling tactic. You thought I would beg you to come back and I would give into your demands of a key and kicking Junior out of bed. I would think this was understood, but I guess it needs to be saidÖ..Itís my house, my bed, and my dog. Do you remember when you pulled this **** on me before and I told you not to give me an ultimatum, because the next time you gave me an ultimatum regarding Junior, or anything else for that matter, I would personally hold the door for you? You nodded like you understood. Do you remember that? I doÖ..clear as day. I believed you, but you did it again, and again, and again. Only problem is, I didnít follow thru and hold the door, so you thought you could push the issue some more. I guess Iím partially responsible for allowing it. I probably should have nipped it in the bud.

This storming out angry ********, every time I see youÖ..this hanging up ******** everytime I talk to you on the phone. Itís getting very old. Thatís also a reflection of your controlling behavior. You call the shots that way right? You walk out when YOU want to. You hang up when YOU want to. Youíre controlling the situation that way, as a last ditch effort when you feel like youíve lost control because Iím not allowing you to manipulate me. Then you call up and say I love you, I miss you, like everythingís ok? I canít turn my feelings on and off like that. Hot and cold. I donít like the way youíre treating me, point blank. I donít deserve it.

I wish you could understand what youíre doingÖ..do you? If you donít understand what youíre doing, and realize that itís not right, you can never fix it.

Iím serious when I tell you that you have some VERY WONDERFUL qualities! I wish you would nurture those qualities instead of drowning them in your anger. You could be so much happier and healthier!

Iíve put a lot of time and thought into this letter. I hope you get something out of it. Itís not meant to make you angry, itís meant to make you think.
Hi Rosequartz,

I hate the thought of giving up myself. My parents were married 56 years when my father passed away. My sister & her husband will hit their 30 year anniversary next year. My brother and his second wife are at the 13 year mark. I take marriage very seriously - and my commitment to it. However, it is becoming so blatantly obvious that my husband does NOT take any of it seriously. If he did, it would have been somewhere on his ever-changing list of priorities. There has always been & probably always will be something or someone who gets listed above the marriage.

The workbook is a great tool. I'm trying to be honest with you but do keep in mind that, just like you, I'm struggling to be honest with myself as well. I keep hoping for that miracle revelation to hit my husband...for his parents to give him that much needed parental talking to...for his friend to ask him what the heck he's looking for in a woman. Still no phone call from him...no email either but that could be due to a lack of a phone at the trailer. I'm sure it's not going to be easy for him to acquire one considering he is delinquent with his yellow pages ad (over $700) and has two unpaid cell phones (totaling about $800) along with several other delinquent bills. Unless if his parents get the phone for him.

I've mulled things over so many times. I've hardly slept more than 3 hours a night for the past two weeks - worrying about him and wondering WHAT is going on and what brought on this sudden silence. Wondering what made him pull the rug out from underneath my feet. Wondering if he realizes that I didn't abandon him, but simply could not subject myself to yet another hostile environment and cold, cold 'welcome'.

Your conversations with your boyfriend mirror the conversations I have with my husband - or struggle to have. When I try to explain myself over and over again, as plain and simple to understand as I can, not only does it get me nowhere...I also get accused of starting an argument. I don't see it as an argument at all - and will tell him so, that we are 'discussing' something. He doesn't see it that way.

His friend one night made a comment that told me instantly that he was seeing some things in my husband. His friend & I were both discussing one of our favorite shows...Law & Order Criminal Intent. I told him I liked the male detective on the show because of his psychological skill at figuring out what makes each suspect tick. (Keep in mind, my husband feels he is quite the authority on psychology and has tried to drill all those 'illnesses' into my head that he's diagnosed me with). I was discussing with his friend an episode I'd watched the previous week and how the detective made the remark, "Con artists love crisis...it's where they do their best work." My husband piped up with, "Oh - so now you're calling me a con artist?!" You can respect some ACTOR on a tv show, but not my knowledge?!" I responded with, "I realize it is just a tv show and that is not what I said just now at all (his friend just sat there looking at him). I did not call you anything. I was discussing a tv show and I do know that shows such as this hire writers with that sort of background though to make the episode as realistic as possible." His friend let me finish and looked at my husband and said, "Geez, do you have a guilty conscience or something?" No reply....

So I know his friend is recognizing some things. How can he not see them? Everyone else recognizes it when I relay these incidents to them. What I can't understand is, with his own friend making these remarks to him, why isn't anything sinking in at all? I wonder if his friend is 'talking' to him about this during this sudden silence period? While he may be a 'bum', he at least has common sense and seems to really want to find a nice woman to build a life with. He's commented that I hardly seem like the type to cheat, etc. Stated that I don't give off that impression AT ALL. I hope he's asking my husband just what it is he's looking for and why he treats me as he does.

Like you, I have had to 'justify' visiting my dog at my mom's and have been told I go 'overboard' with it. This is extremely irritating to me when I see my husband drag his dog with him literally everywhere he goes...to work leaving the truck running all day with the a/c on...out to dinner, same deal. He was irritated when we pulled out of the hotel parking lot to go on a 4th of July weekend get-away and his dog was being left with his friend. As he put my car in reverse he told me, "If anything happens to that dog while we're gone, stay away from me for a month. You always have to make plans that don't include Skeeter and I think you do this intentionally..." Here we go again. You can't get it into his head that nobody else is taking their dogs on every single trip...and that dogs simply aren't permitted everywhere you go. Not all hotels accept pets...public places such as the amusement park we were going to only allow service pets. He just doesn't get it!

Keep reading the book - maybe I'll grab a copy of it myself. But if you can get the workbook, it will really help you assess your individual situation. It's interesting how you mention your surgery and his lack of supportiveness. Last July I had a rather extensive oral surgery. I informed my husband of the date/time as soon as I made the appt and reminded him periodically afterwards. The day before the appt. I asked if he could maybe go with me. He asked where the oral surgeon's office was...I told him. Suddenly, the location was 'inconvenient' to him. He asked what time the appt was. I told him...that, too, was 'inconvenient' for him. I told him since they weren't sedating me not to worry about it. I could drive myself and should be OK. He told me to call him afterwards so he'd know I was OK. I did - 3 times - and got his voice mail every time. I went home to doze and he called me at 5:00 - irritated that I had not called him. I told him to check his voice mail because I'd called 3 times. He said, "Oh - my cell phone never rang."

It sounds to me that your boyfriend's disorder is just as serious as my husband's. Too many similarities are there. That's why, if you have the willpower to let it go, you should. My husband holds steadfast to his denial. It's always someone else with the illness/disorder; it's always someone else's fault. Just when I think things are going better, BAM (like now). You mentioned how tired you are...I used to be able to make it on 6-8 hours of sleep. Nowadays - on the weekends, I'm sleeping 10-11 hours. I think our bodies are trying to tell us something to?

Write again and let me know your thoughts. I want to work on that letter to try to get it in the mail by tomorrow so that hopefully it will arrive at his parents' by Saturday. How's it going with you? Any contact from him?
Hi Rose,

I know where you're coming from about me possibly making the first move one more time. Yet, I keep thinking of all the first moves I've made all this time and how little they seem to have done. For some reason, I just cannot bring myself to make any further moves. He went from being loving & affectionate to icy cold as though someone just flipped a switch. The last time I saw him, he looked like he was ready to jump out of his skin. He seemed EXTREMELY angry and mostly frustrated...tripping/walking into things, etc. That's why I'm wondering if there IS a drug problem...and maybe now that his father seems to be monitoring things such as his paychecks a little closer, it has become harder for him to indulge the habit since he would have to explain where the money went? Purely a guess on my part...but SOMETHING happened. In the past, he has never had a problem telling me when I've said or done something that was wrong in his eyes. He hasn't done that...nor has he made any contact to either apologize & smooth things over again OR ask me to get the dissolution/divorce thing finalized (which, by the way, he holds the final documents for, not me). I also wonder if his father is making the same statements that I've been making for quite some time because, if he is, then in my husband's paranoid mind he will think that his parents & I have been talking behind his back...which we really have not done other than a few isolated times and my comments were not accusing or anything.

For example, his mom and I had a face to face conversation one day when I waited in the truck. She came outside, gave me a big hug & a kiss through the window, asked me how I was doing, said they missed me & asked when we were getting back together. Not the reaction I expected AT ALL, considering he'd been telling me for over a year now how much his parents 'hate' me. I skipped over the question by saying that he was having a lot of financial difficulties & I was letting him focus on those problems. She then said, "He's never been good with money and he never will be. I just told my husband last night that one of these days we're going to find out that he's living under a bridge somewhere." I was shocked at this comment from her - as it told me they weren't as 'in the dark' as I'd thought. I mentioned that I'd offered to help him with banking/financial things and only said that it seemed to make him angry towards me. I also told her that I couldn't understand why he would want to support a friend at a time when he isn't paying his bills and stated, "That makes absolutely no sense to me at all." I also made her aware that it was MY inquiries at the bank that made the discovery as to what the electronic funds transfers were for (he thought the bank was ripping him off - it turned out to be the monthly fee for his business insurance that he CLAIMED to have cancelled late last year) and that even after I informed him that this was still being deducted from his account, he dragged his feet for MONTHS with getting it resolved. So there was no 'slamming' or anything towards him...just kindly worded statements. If nothing else, she walked away knowing that I HAVE tried to be helpful and I've been pretty patient with regard to these matters. So maybe that alerted his parents to start observing his paychecks a little closer - but I can't be sure.

Not too long ago, I'd surprised him by spending a Saturday afternoon making his favorite macaroni salad the way his mom makes it and showed up at the hotel with it that evening. He was tickled and really enjoyed eating it. I guess it doesn't occur to him that I could have opted to spend the time it took to make it visiting a friend, taking my dog to a park or just plain doing something for me. I keep thinking about how I wanted him to be happy with that surprise and keep wondering why the concept didn't 'stick'. There've just been oh-so many things I've done - renting movies that he told me he wanted to see and showing up with them. Picking up coffee creamer & sugar when I'd find a bargain since his friend goes through the stuff like water and all too often they'd be out of the stuff when he went to make a cup of coffee for himself. All sorts of 'little' things that would mean a lot to me if I were in that situation. I don't know...maybe I handled that all wrong, too.

Well, have a great day today with whatever you're doing. I'm chasing down all sorts of loose ends here at work today since tomorrow I'll be busy with payroll. Sure hope Nakita's feeling better today, too. She sure has a lot on her shoulders, doesn't she? She must be the pillar in that family! :)

Lori





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