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I'm not sure where to begin, and would appreciate all your feedback!

December 2004 I met a new boyfriend, I'm 45, he's 44.
Everything was great for 3 months and then almost exactly at the 3 month point, he turned into a monster control freak about EVERYTHING.....
But back to the 1st 3 months. We met 3 weeks before Christmas, and really hit it off. Within 2 weeks we were falling in love.
At Christmas he showered me with gifts, more than I ever imagined. I thought he was overcompensating for something, but I was so happy with the way things were going at that time (but I did make a mental note, that it was just TOO much).
At the 3 month point, he would lose his temper in an instant, became bossy, manipulative, controlling, and volitile. I tried to communicate with him, to work things out. I told him he needed anger management (because that was what I thought the problem was at that time). I then found out thru extensive research that he has borderline personality disorder, and that the anger is not the problem, the anger is the symptom. I read the book, I hate you, don't leave me, and I am currently reading, stop walking on eggshells, taking your life back when someone you care about has BPD. These books opened my eyes! I thought maybe we had a chance at this relationship, but now that I realize why he acts this way, I think it's hopeless.
I wrote him a letter, before I realized that it is BPD, and now re-reading the letter, it's OBVIOUS that's what it is. I apologize for the length, but I think it's more explanatory to post the actual letter than to re-invent the wheel. I'm sad and disappointed because I feel that there is absolutely no chance, , of this working out. He has been calling, begging me to come back, but I see that's also a symptom, fear of abandonment, and doing anything to avoid being abandoned.
If anyone cares to read all this, here it is.

Dear XXX,
Iíve got a lot to say to you. I hope you read this objectively and really try to understand my point of view, because Iím speaking from the heart.

You have so many good qualities that itís a terrible shame that your need to control and dominate overshadows them.

Do you remember the note with the flowers? Donít change anything, Iím nuts about you!

Well you changed everything. How did you go from treating me wonderfully to yelling, bullying and trying to control? How did you go from treating me with respect to thinking you have the right to talk to me like a subordinate?

Iím pretty sure you act like this because of your father. Iím sorry but itís pretty obviousÖjust take a step back and try to look at it objectively. From what youíve told me about him, Iíve come to the conclusion that your father was abusive. You learned to act like him, evident in your bullying and your anger issues. You learned to try to control thru intimidation and fear because thatís what he did to you. Parents teach us a lot more than just our A,B,Cís, donít they?

Iím not your scapegoat. You are responsible for controlling your own anger.

I told you before. Iíve lived like that and donít plan on doing it again. Did you hear me when I said that? Did you understand? My ex husband was abusive. I recognize the signs.

One time you and I were discussing you rescuing your sister from an abusive relationship and I said (sarcastically) ďdid you ask your sister what she did to make him angry?Ē You looked surprised, like maybe you had a revelation and saw it from the other point of view. I thought maybe it would make sense in those termsÖÖ.did it?

Do you understand that itís never right to take your anger out on someone else? Verbally, emotionally, or physically?

I treat people the way I want to be treated and I canít remember EVER treating you disrespectful or raising my voice at you to try to intimidate you, calling you names, hanging up on you, threatening to leave you, storming out or any of the other tactics you have used on me.


I have been nothing BUT good to you. What about all that nice stuff you said to me in the beginning? ďIíll do anything for you SweetieĒ. Was it just BS?

The one thing you can do for yourself is to get control of your anger, get control of your temper. You are responsible for itÖ one else.

You need to realize that this has nothing to do with me. You were angry before you met me and you will be angry the rest of your life unless you decide to make a change. Have you noticed that itís never your fault that you get angry? Itís always someone elses fault, whether itís me, your sister, your brother, or the driver who coasts thru a stop sign without fully stopping. Iím sorry, when you say ďyou make me so angry, StephanieĒ, it just doesnít fly.

I canít just turn my emotions off and back on again. I donít like the way you have been treating me lately and Iím tired of all your controlling ********. I see a pattern. Youíre nice for a while, saying what you think I want to hear, and then when I start believing it again then you start to tighten your grip and make unreasonable demands. You say weíre arguing. Weíre not arguing. Youíre mistaking whatís happening for an argument. Whatís really happening is, Youíre stepping on my reality, on my identity and Iím struggling to retain it. Your ******** about wearing the pants. What makes you think that you should make my decisions for me? What makes you think that if we have two different viewpoints that yours should override mine? Without even hearing me out, without even listening to my point of viewÖ..Because you have a penis and I donít? What makes you think you have the right to make demands on me and try to impose your will on me? If you had your way Iíd only speak when spoken to, and only then if Iím in agreement with you. Iím not a stepford wife.

Maybe we have two different ideas of what a relationship should be. I want a partnership, you seem to think it should be a dictatorship.

Iím a strong woman. Iím not submissive. Iím a smart person. I have a brain. I have a mind. I have intuition. I have decision making skills. I have survival skills. I understand human behavior. Iíve learned a few things in my 45 years. I read all kinds of stuff. Iím up on current events, politics, etc. I work. I own and take care of this apartment building. I pay my bills. I take care of Junior. Iím responsible. I treat people with respect. I donít need to put up with ********. I can survive fine on my own. I donít know why you wouldnít think youíd be lucky to have a woman like that, and I donít understand why you would want to squash who I am and make me into a stepford wife. Itís not going to happen.

I told you before. I am not going to be with someone who manipulates, controls, or tries to bully me. My ex-husband did that. Have a baby or Iíll divorce you. Sign a home equity loan to pay my gambling debts off or Iíll divorce you. Do this or Iíll divorce you, Do that or Iíll divorce you. I lived like that for 10 years. I got away from it and it took a while to recover. I donít plan on living like that again. I donít have to. Do you understand that? Do you??

And you have the nerve to throw up in my face about a failed marriage? Let me tell you something that Iíve told you before. Maybe you forgot. My ex husband tried to manipulate, control and bully me into having a baby. Finally he left meÖÖnot because he wanted to leave me, but because he thought I wouldnít be able to live without him and would beg him back and give in to his demands to have a baby. Thatís called manipulation. Oh well, it didnít workÖÖ you see where Iím going with this?

In a way I feel deja vu with you taking all your stuff home and all your threats. I donít think you really wanted to go home. I think you were pulling the same **** my ex husband pulled. It was a controlling tactic. You thought I would beg you to come back and I would give into your demands of a key and kicking Junior out of bed. I would think this was understood, but I guess it needs to be saidÖ..Itís my house, my bed, and my dog. Do you remember when you pulled this **** on me before and I told you not to give me an ultimatum, because the next time you gave me an ultimatum regarding Junior, or anything else for that matter, I would personally hold the door for you? You nodded like you understood. Do you remember that? I doÖ..clear as day. I believed you, but you did it again, and again, and again. Only problem is, I didnít follow thru and hold the door, so you thought you could push the issue some more. I guess Iím partially responsible for allowing it. I probably should have nipped it in the bud.

This storming out angry ********, every time I see youÖ..this hanging up ******** everytime I talk to you on the phone. Itís getting very old. Thatís also a reflection of your controlling behavior. You call the shots that way right? You walk out when YOU want to. You hang up when YOU want to. Youíre controlling the situation that way, as a last ditch effort when you feel like youíve lost control because Iím not allowing you to manipulate me. Then you call up and say I love you, I miss you, like everythingís ok? I canít turn my feelings on and off like that. Hot and cold. I donít like the way youíre treating me, point blank. I donít deserve it.

I wish you could understand what youíre doingÖ you? If you donít understand what youíre doing, and realize that itís not right, you can never fix it.

Iím serious when I tell you that you have some VERY WONDERFUL qualities! I wish you would nurture those qualities instead of drowning them in your anger. You could be so much happier and healthier!

Iíve put a lot of time and thought into this letter. I hope you get something out of it. Itís not meant to make you angry, itís meant to make you think.
I have no idea why you keep getting phone calls for him. Could it be that he didn't go to work, and they're trying to find him?
I've got a pug, and he's the sweetest little guy! He will be 14 in November. He's not going to be around forever, why should I be asked to pick someone who treats me like crap over him? I told him, I love Junior, and I don't know why you expect me to apologize for that because I'm not going to. Yes I put Junior first, that's what you do for someone who depends on you for their care and well being. I've asked him over and over, what he would do if he was dating a woman with children? Would he expect her to put him first over her kids? He says that's different because it's "just a dog". You don't know how much I hate that phrase.....when ANYBODY says it. The first time he tried to give me an ultimatum about my dog, I laughed at him because I thought he's got to be kidding! He wasn't, and I fluffed it off because it was so ridiculous. Oh, you'll love this one.....he's even asked me.... if we were in a boat... (you know where this is going, right?), and the boat tipped over, who would you save? I laughed and said, of course I'd save Junior because I would guess you'd be wearing a life jacket and you can swim so you wouldn't need saving. And I'm he worried about saving me? I told him, first of all we will never be in that situation, and second of all, who would save me?
He tells me I'm selfish. I told him, "I'm not selfish, that's just something you say when you're not getting your way"

Heres our most recent IM conversation from yesterday after he wrote and told me he feels like I abandoned typical huh?

ME:I'm sorry you feel like I abandoned you. I didn't abandon you. You pushed me away. I tried for 6 months to make you see what you were doing. I told you over and over that I wasn't going to be with someone who treats me bad. You continued to swear at me, call me names, and be disrespectful. How long did you think I would tolerate it? Forever?
Now that I've learned about borderline personality disorder, it all makes sense. It's like solving a puzzle. Now I know why you act the way you do. It still doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it ok. I really wish you would look it up. You would really be surprised.

HIM: As I have told you befor and for the last time, leave me alone if you dont want to see me. I will not seek help for myself or us unless you see me and stand by me. That is all will say to you. I also know that 70 % of wemon have this problem also. Yes I have looked into it. Thats all will say to you goodby

ME: - I think you mis-interpreted something. It's not 70% of women, it's 70% of people with this problem are women and 30% are men
so you have looked into it?

HIM: You know where I stand with us. Call me and tell me you would like to see each oher and talk about this together or leave me alone. Thats all

ME: you didn't answer my question. What did you find out when you looked into it? Do you think it sounds like you?

Again, he's trying to use going to counselling as a barganing chip for me to see him. Why do I want to see him? It's just stress that I don't need. When I'm alone, I'm at peace. I don't even know if I should respond to him anymore. What's the point?
Good Morning Ladies!

Got up bright and early today with my husband telling me that DHHR called about my state disability and needed to talk to me. I'm thinking, O NO, what now?
I called my worker and she said she's sending me papers so I can make appts with a neurologist and a psychiatrist to be evaluated for disability and they are going to pay!!! :bouncing: This is wonderful, because it means my case is moving forward!!! I can choose the doctors I want, which is also great since my neuro has been working with me for over 10 years now for the migraines, and the last shrink I saw was the one who diagnosed me bipolar in addition to bpd.

Maybe I will get it. This is just for a medicaid card, but that will help soooo much. I dont' know if you know or not, but when an adult over age 18 has medicaid, their prescriptions only cost $3 each. I could get that MRI I need, go to the dentist, to the eyedoctor, get better scripts!!! AND I've found out that there IS, FINALLY, a psychologist who SPECIALIZES in BPD at WVU hospital, which is only about 1/2 hour from me! Wouldn't that be great? :)

Rose: no you didn't open up any old wounds. One of the reasons I came to this board and others is that venting my rage this way is much healthier than holding it in. Helping others helps me. I've had mother issues all my life. Most people wonder why I still associate with her, but she's my mom, I love her. She tries. I haven't had any raging problems that are out of control in two years. BUT I do take xanax when needed. ;)

One more interesting thing that has happened, and very disappointing to me. My son, he'll be 21 in January, was arrested on Aug 7th for underage drinking, drunk and disorderly, destruction of property, and obstruction. The obstruction was because he refused to provide any info about himself, and he had a fake ID on him that could not be verified. The police did NOT charge him with possession of a fake ID, although they could have easily, but since he finally gave them his correct SSN, they didn't charge him with that. So, when he sees the judge on Aug 8th, he is given a $1500 bond, and sent to the regional jail. We don't have local jails anymore in WV. No one will bond him out. No me, even if I had the money, not my parents. AND his so-called friends didn't either. Three friends for $50 each or five friends with $30 each, and no one did it. I didn't bond him out or call my landlord, who is a bail bondsman, because this is the 5th time he's been arrested for underage drinking. I wanted him to learn a lesson. So did my parents. They've given him soooo many chances and he keeps screwing up.

Anyway, his hearing was Tuesday morning. I'm at the courthouse in the town he was arrested in, with my daughter because she wanted to see her brother, and my son comes in with his orange jumpsuit on, shackled and handcuffed. He barely acknowledges my presence. Now, I've accepted about 10 collect phone calls from him, talked with him, wrote him letters in jail, BUT I would NOT bail him out. He's basically expressionless. Doesn't talk much. THEN his roommate comes in, and my son is excited: "Hey Ray!" all happy to see him.
Ray brought my son clothes to wear and shoes in case he is released.

My son's sentence was 90 days in jail, 45 already served, the other 45 suspended and given a year probation. Plus restitution for the damage done to a car $500, plus court costs of $160 per charge, and a probation fee of $360. He also has to pay mileage for the transport from jail and for the witnesses time and mileage. He has six months to pay. So he goes and changes out of the orange jumpsuit, puts on his clothes and walks over to my car where me and my daughter are waiting for him. No hug, no hi MOM, nothing but "can I have a cigarette?" My daughter gives him a smoke, then he takes off with Ray.

My husband AND my mother ask why I would expect anything different. Why did I expect him to be happy to see me? I didn't bail him out, I didn't offer to give him money, I didn't even have a pack of smokes for him, so why be happy to see me?

J, my son, is so much like his father, who is an alcoholic and drug abuser. I left his father so J wouldn't be influenced to follow in his footsteps, but it's happening anyway. J's stolen from us, broken into our home, stole prescriptions and sold them, so I won't let him spend the night. I have to be tough. I won't pay his bills, I won't give him money. I'm pretty sure that he sells pot. But I would feed him if he needed fed. I've given him food from my pantry and freezer, but I won't give him money to buy food, cause I know he'd rather buy beer.

I know that I've talked about Rock Bottom before. J has not reached his yet. I had hoped that he would, sitting in jail for over 45 days. But obviously not. I just hope and pray that the next time I see him, it won't be in a hospital because he DOES drive and drink and smoke pot. But what can I do? He's an "adult" in the eyes of the law.

Lori: If a good head thumping would help your husband, I'd be happy to send my husband up there, (of course I would come too just to meet you :) :)

I'll be on later tonite,

That is WONDERFUL news about your approvals to go ahead with your medical appointments! :bouncing: That had to absolutely make your day. I'm very happy to hear that you'll be able to continue getting the care you're needing and through the doctors that YOU choose.

With regard to your note to Rose, I often wonder if I'm opening up any wounds with you as well and certainly hope you realize that is never, ever my intent. It has been so helpful and COMFORTING to talk to you. Your answers are always so honest and clear - sure helps me sort a lot out that spins around in my head 24/7. You and Rose have become my life-line's without a doubt. :) A week into this 'silence' period with my husband, I quit picking up the workbook. I hate not finishing things so I will probably put my nose inside of it tonight after I mow the backyard. :)

I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble your son has gotten into but agree with you on how you handled it by not getting him out of jail. I know that had to be a VERY hard decision for you as his mother. I feel so bad at the lousy 'reception' you had from him, too. You deserved better than that. While it's true that you didn't coddle him through the problem, you were nonetheless THERE and that deserves acknowledgement. Isn't it funny how friends can be treated better than family?! Oooohhh, is that ever a sore spot with me, Nakita. It certainly does hurt, doesn't it? He'll learn one day...when the friends are no longer there because they've got other commitments, etc. It's crystal clear to me that you are the ROCK in your family. One day those who fail to see it right now will come to realize the sacrifices you have made in order to help them. Just seems like that takes forever sometimes, huh? I'm like you - I don't expect anyone to grovel at my feet whenever I do something for them, just common courtesy and the respect of acknowledgement are enough of a thank you for me.

You mentioned that you like to crochet. Sure wish I could see you because I've got a TON of yarn that needs a good home. LOL My husband used to tease me about doing things like that or how I did it, so I sort of put it all off to the side. Then I got into this primitive rug hooking thing with his friend's girlfriend and just love it because it's even easier than crocheting. LOL It's not an inexpensive hobby, but I just by my materials as I need them and that seems to work out OK for my wallet. LOL

I hope you saw my other post about your thrush issue and my mom's suggested remedy. If not, take a look at it.

So far, I've been coping as well as can be expected in spite of no response to my letter. I'm not sure exactly what to make of it. I'd expected the raging phone call & so far it hasn't come, which is a relief...yet I'm still a bundle of nerves thinking it's bound to come sooner or later. Either way, he would need to contact me to either tell me to get lost & proceed with the dissolution or to just accuse me of attacking him unfairly, etc. I'm getting nothing at all...and I don't know what to make of it. It hurts yet it's a relief, know what I mean? I did close my letter to him with the following, which I hope reassured him as I know BPD's need:

"I'm serious when I tell you that you have very wonderful qualities & Iím serious when I tell you that I love you with all my heart and care about you! Yet you do not seem to recognize it, appreciate it or place any value on it. Thatís the perception I have. I wish you would nurture those wonderful qualities instead of drowning them in your anger. Do not think for one minute that I have abandoned you. Nor am I just sitting here holding a grudge as you may also be thinking. I simply do not feel as though you want me there. I am hurt, and I am bewildered. I donít feel that you want me around; that is the message I received the last time I saw you. You said you just wanted some time to yourself, and you have not contacted me since.

I've put a lot of time, thought and, above all else, my heart into this letter. Itís to tell you that you are loved and cared for. I hope you get something out of it. It's not meant to make you angry, it's meant to make you think."

So I'm hoping my final 2 paragraphs were OK and didn't push him the other way. Do you think I did OK here?

Well, I'll jump online later tonight. I still need to mow the backyard and maybe I'll take my chubby Stu for a much-needed brisk walk around the block. Hope you're having a terrific day with that great news this morning! I will talk to you later.


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