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Hi Rosequartz,

I hate the thought of giving up myself. My parents were married 56 years when my father passed away. My sister & her husband will hit their 30 year anniversary next year. My brother and his second wife are at the 13 year mark. I take marriage very seriously - and my commitment to it. However, it is becoming so blatantly obvious that my husband does NOT take any of it seriously. If he did, it would have been somewhere on his ever-changing list of priorities. There has always been & probably always will be something or someone who gets listed above the marriage.

The workbook is a great tool. I'm trying to be honest with you but do keep in mind that, just like you, I'm struggling to be honest with myself as well. I keep hoping for that miracle revelation to hit my husband...for his parents to give him that much needed parental talking to...for his friend to ask him what the heck he's looking for in a woman. Still no phone call from him...no email either but that could be due to a lack of a phone at the trailer. I'm sure it's not going to be easy for him to acquire one considering he is delinquent with his yellow pages ad (over $700) and has two unpaid cell phones (totaling about $800) along with several other delinquent bills. Unless if his parents get the phone for him.

I've mulled things over so many times. I've hardly slept more than 3 hours a night for the past two weeks - worrying about him and wondering WHAT is going on and what brought on this sudden silence. Wondering what made him pull the rug out from underneath my feet. Wondering if he realizes that I didn't abandon him, but simply could not subject myself to yet another hostile environment and cold, cold 'welcome'.

Your conversations with your boyfriend mirror the conversations I have with my husband - or struggle to have. When I try to explain myself over and over again, as plain and simple to understand as I can, not only does it get me nowhere...I also get accused of starting an argument. I don't see it as an argument at all - and will tell him so, that we are 'discussing' something. He doesn't see it that way.

His friend one night made a comment that told me instantly that he was seeing some things in my husband. His friend & I were both discussing one of our favorite shows...Law & Order Criminal Intent. I told him I liked the male detective on the show because of his psychological skill at figuring out what makes each suspect tick. (Keep in mind, my husband feels he is quite the authority on psychology and has tried to drill all those 'illnesses' into my head that he's diagnosed me with). I was discussing with his friend an episode I'd watched the previous week and how the detective made the remark, "Con artists love crisis...it's where they do their best work." My husband piped up with, "Oh - so now you're calling me a con artist?!" You can respect some ACTOR on a tv show, but not my knowledge?!" I responded with, "I realize it is just a tv show and that is not what I said just now at all (his friend just sat there looking at him). I did not call you anything. I was discussing a tv show and I do know that shows such as this hire writers with that sort of background though to make the episode as realistic as possible." His friend let me finish and looked at my husband and said, "Geez, do you have a guilty conscience or something?" No reply....

So I know his friend is recognizing some things. How can he not see them? Everyone else recognizes it when I relay these incidents to them. What I can't understand is, with his own friend making these remarks to him, why isn't anything sinking in at all? I wonder if his friend is 'talking' to him about this during this sudden silence period? While he may be a 'bum', he at least has common sense and seems to really want to find a nice woman to build a life with. He's commented that I hardly seem like the type to cheat, etc. Stated that I don't give off that impression AT ALL. I hope he's asking my husband just what it is he's looking for and why he treats me as he does.

Like you, I have had to 'justify' visiting my dog at my mom's and have been told I go 'overboard' with it. This is extremely irritating to me when I see my husband drag his dog with him literally everywhere he goes...to work leaving the truck running all day with the a/c on...out to dinner, same deal. He was irritated when we pulled out of the hotel parking lot to go on a 4th of July weekend get-away and his dog was being left with his friend. As he put my car in reverse he told me, "If anything happens to that dog while we're gone, stay away from me for a month. You always have to make plans that don't include Skeeter and I think you do this intentionally..." Here we go again. You can't get it into his head that nobody else is taking their dogs on every single trip...and that dogs simply aren't permitted everywhere you go. Not all hotels accept pets...public places such as the amusement park we were going to only allow service pets. He just doesn't get it!

Keep reading the book - maybe I'll grab a copy of it myself. But if you can get the workbook, it will really help you assess your individual situation. It's interesting how you mention your surgery and his lack of supportiveness. Last July I had a rather extensive oral surgery. I informed my husband of the date/time as soon as I made the appt and reminded him periodically afterwards. The day before the appt. I asked if he could maybe go with me. He asked where the oral surgeon's office was...I told him. Suddenly, the location was 'inconvenient' to him. He asked what time the appt was. I told him...that, too, was 'inconvenient' for him. I told him since they weren't sedating me not to worry about it. I could drive myself and should be OK. He told me to call him afterwards so he'd know I was OK. I did - 3 times - and got his voice mail every time. I went home to doze and he called me at 5:00 - irritated that I had not called him. I told him to check his voice mail because I'd called 3 times. He said, "Oh - my cell phone never rang."

It sounds to me that your boyfriend's disorder is just as serious as my husband's. Too many similarities are there. That's why, if you have the willpower to let it go, you should. My husband holds steadfast to his denial. It's always someone else with the illness/disorder; it's always someone else's fault. Just when I think things are going better, BAM (like now). You mentioned how tired you are...I used to be able to make it on 6-8 hours of sleep. Nowadays - on the weekends, I'm sleeping 10-11 hours. I think our bodies are trying to tell us something to?

Write again and let me know your thoughts. I want to work on that letter to try to get it in the mail by tomorrow so that hopefully it will arrive at his parents' by Saturday. How's it going with you? Any contact from him?





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