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I'm not sure where to begin, and would appreciate all your feedback!

December 2004 I met a new boyfriend, I'm 45, he's 44.
Everything was great for 3 months and then almost exactly at the 3 month point, he turned into a monster control freak about EVERYTHING.....
But back to the 1st 3 months. We met 3 weeks before Christmas, and really hit it off. Within 2 weeks we were falling in love.
At Christmas he showered me with gifts, more than I ever imagined. I thought he was overcompensating for something, but I was so happy with the way things were going at that time (but I did make a mental note, that it was just TOO much).
At the 3 month point, he would lose his temper in an instant, became bossy, manipulative, controlling, and volitile. I tried to communicate with him, to work things out. I told him he needed anger management (because that was what I thought the problem was at that time). I then found out thru extensive research that he has borderline personality disorder, and that the anger is not the problem, the anger is the symptom. I read the book, I hate you, don't leave me, and I am currently reading, stop walking on eggshells, taking your life back when someone you care about has BPD. These books opened my eyes! I thought maybe we had a chance at this relationship, but now that I realize why he acts this way, I think it's hopeless.
I wrote him a letter, before I realized that it is BPD, and now re-reading the letter, it's OBVIOUS that's what it is. I apologize for the length, but I think it's more explanatory to post the actual letter than to re-invent the wheel. I'm sad and disappointed because I feel that there is absolutely no chance, , of this working out. He has been calling, begging me to come back, but I see that's also a symptom, fear of abandonment, and doing anything to avoid being abandoned.
If anyone cares to read all this, here it is.

Dear XXX,
Iíve got a lot to say to you. I hope you read this objectively and really try to understand my point of view, because Iím speaking from the heart.

You have so many good qualities that itís a terrible shame that your need to control and dominate overshadows them.

Do you remember the note with the flowers? Donít change anything, Iím nuts about you!

Well you changed everything. How did you go from treating me wonderfully to yelling, bullying and trying to control? How did you go from treating me with respect to thinking you have the right to talk to me like a subordinate?

Iím pretty sure you act like this because of your father. Iím sorry but itís pretty obviousÖjust take a step back and try to look at it objectively. From what youíve told me about him, Iíve come to the conclusion that your father was abusive. You learned to act like him, evident in your bullying and your anger issues. You learned to try to control thru intimidation and fear because thatís what he did to you. Parents teach us a lot more than just our A,B,Cís, donít they?

Iím not your scapegoat. You are responsible for controlling your own anger.

I told you before. Iíve lived like that and donít plan on doing it again. Did you hear me when I said that? Did you understand? My ex husband was abusive. I recognize the signs.

One time you and I were discussing you rescuing your sister from an abusive relationship and I said (sarcastically) ďdid you ask your sister what she did to make him angry?Ē You looked surprised, like maybe you had a revelation and saw it from the other point of view. I thought maybe it would make sense in those termsÖÖ.did it?

Do you understand that itís never right to take your anger out on someone else? Verbally, emotionally, or physically?

I treat people the way I want to be treated and I canít remember EVER treating you disrespectful or raising my voice at you to try to intimidate you, calling you names, hanging up on you, threatening to leave you, storming out or any of the other tactics you have used on me.

XXX OPEN YOUR EYES

I have been nothing BUT good to you. What about all that nice stuff you said to me in the beginning? ďIíll do anything for you SweetieĒ. Was it just BS?

The one thing you can do for yourself is to get control of your anger, get control of your temper. You are responsible for itÖ..no one else.

You need to realize that this has nothing to do with me. You were angry before you met me and you will be angry the rest of your life unless you decide to make a change. Have you noticed that itís never your fault that you get angry? Itís always someone elses fault, whether itís me, your sister, your brother, or the driver who coasts thru a stop sign without fully stopping. Iím sorry, when you say ďyou make me so angry, StephanieĒ, it just doesnít fly.

I canít just turn my emotions off and back on again. I donít like the way you have been treating me lately and Iím tired of all your controlling ********. I see a pattern. Youíre nice for a while, saying what you think I want to hear, and then when I start believing it again then you start to tighten your grip and make unreasonable demands. You say weíre arguing. Weíre not arguing. Youíre mistaking whatís happening for an argument. Whatís really happening is, Youíre stepping on my reality, on my identity and Iím struggling to retain it. Your ******** about wearing the pants. What makes you think that you should make my decisions for me? What makes you think that if we have two different viewpoints that yours should override mine? Without even hearing me out, without even listening to my point of viewÖ..Because you have a penis and I donít? What makes you think you have the right to make demands on me and try to impose your will on me? If you had your way Iíd only speak when spoken to, and only then if Iím in agreement with you. Iím not a stepford wife.

Maybe we have two different ideas of what a relationship should be. I want a partnership, you seem to think it should be a dictatorship.

Iím a strong woman. Iím not submissive. Iím a smart person. I have a brain. I have a mind. I have intuition. I have decision making skills. I have survival skills. I understand human behavior. Iíve learned a few things in my 45 years. I read all kinds of stuff. Iím up on current events, politics, etc. I work. I own and take care of this apartment building. I pay my bills. I take care of Junior. Iím responsible. I treat people with respect. I donít need to put up with ********. I can survive fine on my own. I donít know why you wouldnít think youíd be lucky to have a woman like that, and I donít understand why you would want to squash who I am and make me into a stepford wife. Itís not going to happen.

I told you before. I am not going to be with someone who manipulates, controls, or tries to bully me. My ex-husband did that. Have a baby or Iíll divorce you. Sign a home equity loan to pay my gambling debts off or Iíll divorce you. Do this or Iíll divorce you, Do that or Iíll divorce you. I lived like that for 10 years. I got away from it and it took a while to recover. I donít plan on living like that again. I donít have to. Do you understand that? Do you??

And you have the nerve to throw up in my face about a failed marriage? Let me tell you something that Iíve told you before. Maybe you forgot. My ex husband tried to manipulate, control and bully me into having a baby. Finally he left meÖÖnot because he wanted to leave me, but because he thought I wouldnít be able to live without him and would beg him back and give in to his demands to have a baby. Thatís called manipulation. Oh well, it didnít workÖÖ..do you see where Iím going with this?

In a way I feel deja vu with you taking all your stuff home and all your threats. I donít think you really wanted to go home. I think you were pulling the same **** my ex husband pulled. It was a controlling tactic. You thought I would beg you to come back and I would give into your demands of a key and kicking Junior out of bed. I would think this was understood, but I guess it needs to be saidÖ..Itís my house, my bed, and my dog. Do you remember when you pulled this **** on me before and I told you not to give me an ultimatum, because the next time you gave me an ultimatum regarding Junior, or anything else for that matter, I would personally hold the door for you? You nodded like you understood. Do you remember that? I doÖ..clear as day. I believed you, but you did it again, and again, and again. Only problem is, I didnít follow thru and hold the door, so you thought you could push the issue some more. I guess Iím partially responsible for allowing it. I probably should have nipped it in the bud.

This storming out angry ********, every time I see youÖ..this hanging up ******** everytime I talk to you on the phone. Itís getting very old. Thatís also a reflection of your controlling behavior. You call the shots that way right? You walk out when YOU want to. You hang up when YOU want to. Youíre controlling the situation that way, as a last ditch effort when you feel like youíve lost control because Iím not allowing you to manipulate me. Then you call up and say I love you, I miss you, like everythingís ok? I canít turn my feelings on and off like that. Hot and cold. I donít like the way youíre treating me, point blank. I donít deserve it.

I wish you could understand what youíre doingÖ..do you? If you donít understand what youíre doing, and realize that itís not right, you can never fix it.

Iím serious when I tell you that you have some VERY WONDERFUL qualities! I wish you would nurture those qualities instead of drowning them in your anger. You could be so much happier and healthier!

Iíve put a lot of time and thought into this letter. I hope you get something out of it. Itís not meant to make you angry, itís meant to make you think.
Rosequartz,

This letter was such an eye opener for me. It was like reading about my relationship with my BPD husband through someone else's eyes. You put it all into words so well, too. You and I are reading the same books, and it seems that we are both learning quite a bit. Some of it sure isn't very reassuring for us, is it? I, too, am heartbroken and disappointed. Like in your situation, my husband came on pretty strong when we first began dating and I, too, made a mental note of this.

I cannot tell you if it's a good idea to send the letter or not. I believe it is well-written and really spells it all out. My only concern is whether or not he will look at it objectively. I want to 'borrow' some of what you wrote for a letter I've been contemplating sending to my husband - yet I am fearful of the repercussions it will surely bring. He will be angry and defensive - and will close himself off. Presently, he has not spoken to me in a week and a half and I have absolutely NO IDEA why. His father was hospitalized...I sent a plant to him. He needed help with some phone calls...I helped with them. The week before, I showed up at a court hearing for a lawsuit he has pending with a former customer (he is self-employed as a contractor). He seemed genuinely happy to see me standing in front of the courthouse waiting for him. He was affectionate. The following night I brought dinner since he was low on money from paying his attorney. I surprised him the week before with new jeans, shirts and socks because he was depressed that he couldn't afford to buy these things and he really did need them. These are my 'crimes' I guess. I cannot think of anything I have said or done to warrant the way I'm being treated. And, quite franky, I am tired of this.

You and I seem to be experiencing the same feelings. I feel like I'm drained all the time...my husband sucks the life out of me with his demands. I do try to meet the demands that are reasonable, but I have been resisting the unreasonable ones...and distancing myself from the dramas, many of which he brings onto himself - but I do so with 'love' as the workbook recommends. I listen to the problems (which are always someone else's fault), offer ideas for rectifying them and offer plenty of encouragement. I still get treated like some criminal. It's certainly tiresome, isn't it?

Like you, my husband is jealous of my dog. When we married, I left the dog with my 82 yr old mother who is a widow. I didn't want her to get too lonely. Due to her age and health, I did stop in many days after work to take him for a brisk walk. I mean, heck - I love the little guy no less, know what I mean? I missed him. I love and care about my mom and want to be sure she's OK & doesn't need anything. He HATED this. Told me I had psychological issues and diagnosed me with everything from split personality disorder to ADD to munchhausen (sp?) syndrome. In the meantime, HIS dog (who has serious housebreaking issues) was NEVER left home alone. HIS dog went everywhere with us, even to places that were not appropriate to bring a dog. Dinner at a restaurant around the corner? The dog waited in the truck with the engine running on a spare key so that the heater or air conditioner could be on for him. He would take the dog to his job sites each day and it was the same thing...let the truck run all day with the A/C on to keep the dog comfortable (yet he'd complain about a lack of money only to waste money on gas like this). Invitations to a friend's house? Same deal...the dog was in the truck being kept warm/cool. It was to the point where it was an embarrassment.

You sound as though you've reached the same point I'm at...I feel like I have nothing to lose anymore. His behavior seems stable for days, even weeks. Then, out of the blue, he will snap and take things out on me. I do not deserve to be treated like this. Love should not entail this much work, constant effort - and only on my part. You and I have feelings just like they do - and we are ENTITLED to have those feelings.

So good luck and keep me posted on how things go for you. I'm still reeling from your letter because it reflects so much of what goes on in my head 24/7. I read it last night and couldn't sleep because I was 'adding' to it and editing it in my mind. :)

Scared Wife
hi Scared Wife, thanks for replying. I already sent the letter, a while back, to try to get thru to him, this was before I realized he has BPD. One thing I did say, in the revised letter (I had a few different versions), was....
do you really love me or just the idea of who I would be if I did everything your way?
but even now, I realize, even if I did do everything his way, it just wouldn't be good enough, He would find something wrong with it.
I know I should cut my losses, it's only been 9 months. Thank God, he started acting up before I let him move in with me. He was practically moved in anyway, he was there every night, and putting pressure on me to give him a key. I knew in my gut that was a bad idea, and I didn't give the key. He would have just come and gone as he pleased, stormed out and think he had the right to just come back into my house, my life anytime he pleased. I thought it was a control thing with him, wanting the key.
Feel free to use whatever you want from my letter, I hope it helps. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I know it's a little harder for you to just walk away from your husband, than it is for me with a boyfriend of 9 months.
Hi Rosequartz,

I feel so bad for you...because you are as torn as I am. Unable to decide, latching onto every 'good' moment, wanting to desperately believe that he sees his behavior & recognizes that it's not appropriate and shows a willingness to get help. I, too, seem to fall for every bone he throws my way. You are no more of a sucker than I am. Please believe that. As I mentioned before, it's HARD when you remember those first wonderful months, the attention/affection. It felt so good and 'right' - I thought I'd found the most wonderful man on the planet and asked myself who in their right mind would let him go. He's gorgeous - beautiful blue eyes, perfect skin and long, brown hair...like a male model. I find I'm asking myself, "Where did he go? When did he slip away and where did this guy come from?"

At first, when his 'friend' came onto the scene, I resented him...he was an intrusion that might interfere with my 'work' on this relationship and a hindrance to my husband's wallet, something he could ill afford then as well as now. Soon I found him to be a blessing because I KNOW he sees and hears the things my husband says and does, and he has made some comments that should have really struck my husband between the eyes to wake him up. It hasn't worked yet. That I know of. I sit here each and every day wondering if this guy's asking where I've been, what's going on, what did you say/do to her...One night he went so far as to come right out & tell my husband that he's lucky I didn't show up one night at the hotel to strangle him in the middle of the night. He said it lightheartedly yet I knew why he'd said it. He was validating what I was experiencing and I needed that from an outsider. I really did.

That workbook is called The Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook. I got it through Amazon. It's in my car right now. Tomorrow I'll take it into work with me so that I can give you more info off of the front of it. I didn't order the book, so how is it? The workbook has action steps for you to work through.

I fell in love with my husband right off the bat. There were troubling isolated incidents that I ignored and shouldn't have. They were definitely within the first 6 months of the relationship. As I recall them, I realize now that I was sacrificing my dignity for him and should have broken it off, but I didn't. If I knew then what I know now, I probably would have issued a direct ultimatum to him back then that if he didn't seek help, I would have no alternative but to end the relationship. In later conversations during troubled times, he inadvertently revealed that this was his fear. I didn't spot it though. It's all coming together as I educate myself on BPD. The workbook has a section that helps you distinguish whether or not you are a 'disappearing' person...no time for friends, family, interests, etc. I was and probably still am to a certain degree a disappearing person.

That's why I'm urging you not to think only with your heart here. And I truly know how hard that is - because I did that and I'm where I am today. If it doesn't feel right, if you question his determination/dedication and sincerity, I would strongly consider ending the relationship. The psychologist warned me that my husband will get worse as he gets older. I didn't think it was possible, but it obviously is. He saw him as needing INPATIENT, LONG-TERM care, which is costly, and intensive treatment for no less than 3 years. Add to that the possible need for drug rehab. Do you really want to sit around for that length of time keeping your fingers crossed for something that may not happen? I'm not sure I can. Hang in there, Rose. I understand your dilemma and will help you as best I can with it.
Hi Rosequartz,

Tell me about it...I've never been so darned educated about the mental health field in all my life. I guess if we walk away with nothing else, we will both possess more knowledge and that's never a bad thing. :)

My husband's parents are strange, too. At least what I've been told by him and the way they've been (or not been) towards me. To my knowledge, they do not know about the BPD. I think they MAY be starting to realize that something's just not right though. I think they may also be starting to realize that, in spite of what they've been told by their son, I'm not the problem.

I finished my letter and borrowed a lot from yours because it helped keep me on track. It was so easy to relate to because of the similarities. I'm putting it in the mail tomorrow. It should arrive at his parents' house either Saturday or Monday. Keep your fingers crossed. I emphasized my love and caring for him, but I was also very direct. When I get a chance tomorrow at work, I'll copy and paste the parts I added to yours, etc.

We live between Cleveland and Akron. I'm at my mom's - with my dog! When he asked me to leave, that was probably his biggest mistake on his part. It felt good to be in an environment that wasn't hostile. It felt good to sleep in a clean bed (his dog used to urinate in ours and it would be left for me to 'discover' at bedtime). It felt good to sit on a clean couch or walk around without having to step over and clean up dog accidents. It felt good to have a phone conversation with a friend without worrying about something being overhead and turned into something it wasn't. It felt good to not feel like I had to beat the clock all the time and talk to my mom about every day things without those turning into a dispute. Don't get me wrong...I still missed my husband. I just didn't miss the abuse. He has no concept of how much more difficult he made it for himself in that regard.

My husband's credit was not so great when we married and has been on a steady downward spiral since last May. His credit was questionable in mid-summer. I'd be really surprised if anyone would give him credit - and he doesn't know my ss info. either. Never had any interest in me that deep. ;)
Plus, with his laziness, if his father didn't fill out the application for him, it would never get off the ground. I have not seen them online and they've been at that trailer since Aug. 29th. That tells me there is probably an 'issue' getting a phone line. There was nothing out of line on my credit report last year. I should probably check into it again though just to play it safe.

Have you actually heard his counselor say this 'we' thing yourself - or is that what HE's telling you? I ask because here's another scenario I experienced. Our psychologist was in the same neighboring town as my husband's last customer who he was building an addition for. The wife owned the local bookstore. She and I clicked right away - great woman. She mentioned something about me living with my mom & asked if she was OK. I said she was and kept it simple and told her my husband & I were having some problems. That we'd been seeing Dr. So&So near her bookstore. She said she knew him. I asked her if she'd ever heard anything about him - good or not so good. She said she didn't know him or of him on that level, only from him coming in to order books. My husband wasn't present when this conversation took place. MONTHS LATER, the day after he stormed out of the last session (Nov), he called me freaking out over his dislike for the psychologist and went so far as to say that the homeowner's wife expressed shock & concern when he told her who we were seeing because he had a reputation for ruining all of the marriages in that town.

Now...what's your take on that? Don't you think while we had our woman to woman talk, she'd have expressed this shock/concern/comment to me - back in August? Especially since I'd asked her? He made it up. Plain & simple.

My husband started out with the psychologist for about 2-3 sessions and quit, stating he had to focus on his business/money. Shortly after that, he signed up for flying lessons. In October, he said his parents wanted to build a duplex for him but because of our situation would keep it in their names. I didn't have a problem with that. Next thing I know, he's handing me sweetest day cards & asking me for a dissolution (easier version of a divorce) saying it would 'just be on paper' so that he could have the duplex put in his name. That's when I realized how flimsy our marriage was & agreed to it. A few days later when I had my head on his chest he said, "I really appreciate you agreeing to this. Since you are, I feel it only fair to go back to the psychologist." I told him when the next appt. was. He showed up, wigged out within 15 minutes (I'll go into that more tomorrow) and stormed out.

Your surgery certainly sounds like it was scary. I'm glad it all turned out OK for you and sure hope this mammogram thing turns out to be nothing at all. I have to schedule mine soon, too. What you said about trouble with the throat...that's interesting. I keep getting an annoying tickle/cough. :)

Well, I need to get to bed. I'll write more in the morning when I get a break. You take care and get some rest yourself. Give Junior a hug from me and Stu. ;)
Rose:

You wrote:
"Since you are aware of yourself being borderline, does it help you control the borderline behavior? I'm wondering if he would become aware, if it would help. You know your husband is great and all, does it make you feel more secure? "

The answer to both is yes! Understanding that I am borderline DOES help. I learned in therapy (that I did myself with workbooks), that I CAN control most situations, even if that means walking away from something that annoys me, angers me, or upsets me. Example: I was soo upset by my 13 y/o niece getting lunch detension because she defended herself against a girl that hit her, that I wanted to go to the school, give them the devil, and pull my niece out of school. BUT,,, somewhere in me, I knew this was NOT rational. I didn't go. I didn't call. I know the school rules... even if I don't agree... Fighting is fighting...she essentially was supposed to stand there and take it, NOT defend herself... I've been thru this with MY kids...(btw we are filing assault/battery charges with the police and juvinille authorities, and skipping dealing with the school). I vented my rage on the message board I use for emotionally challenged teens. I felt better. I waited until the next day, when I was calm, called the school, and got the details. I was correct that fighting is fighting, so she shouldn't have defended herself. That RULE burns me up, but she's NOT my kid, and the school isn't going to change that rule.

So YES, acknowledgement of being borderline, KNOWLEDGE in itself, has helped tremendously. Having a husband who is supportive, loving, caring AND knowledgable about my condition is a major PLUS!!!

BUT my husband is NO more supportive of ME, than you and Lori of your men. Remember that.... You are doing something! You are gaining knowledge about BPD.
Nakia,
Your husband loves you unconditionally! Thats what everyone hopes to find! You're one of the lucky ones! I'm so happy for you, that you can find security and comfort in your relationship.
One thing that struck me funny is that you said your parents have never acknowledged your BPD....even in your moms field? Even after knowing you had something wrong and she sent you for counselling? You've never discussed it with her? So who is your nieces mother? Your sister? or your husbands or ex-husbands sister? I hope you don't think I'm being nosy, I'm just trying to understand. Thank you so much for being honest and sharing your experiences. It does help! It also makes me feel good that you say that just acknowledging and understanding your BPD, makes it easier for you to deal with. The only thing is, I'm not sure my ex is evolved enough to look inside himself to try to understand. I think he goes thru life blindly lashing out at the world around him, never accepting any of the blame. Yes I'm trying to stay neutral, but I'm wondering if I'm stringing him along and should just not respond AT ALL.
Sorry to hear that your husband isn't very social. Do you think he has agoraphobia? It's good that he doesn't mind if you socialize, althought I know you would be happier if he went with.....at least he's not trying to control you or limit your socializing.
You say your husband is no more supportive of you than Lori and I are or our guys, but the difference is that you SEE it.....you FEEL his support. I don't think our men realize that they're being supported.......I don't think they realize that we're on their side.
Yep! I was right. I posted it elsewhere! Guess it'll turn up eventually..


About Mary...my sister in law... she's the mother of my two nieces I keep talking about.. she also has a ten year old son. All three children are spoiled rotten, and not in a good way. Mary is agoraphobic, can't make the simplest phone call to the cable company about her bill, can't go to the store alone, can't call the school about a problem with one of the kids... We do most of this for her. I take the kids to the doctor, my hubby drives her to the store on the 1st. She gets SSI and when asked her disability is 'fears'. She gets disability for being afraid of EVERYTHING.

Rose, I think my mother doesn't want to acknowledge my BPD because SHE diagnosed me as hystrionic. NOT Bi polar or borderline. and Borderline is so AWFUL. The research at the time, when I was in my teens and twenties, was the borderline was caused by major trauma during childhood. When my mother was in school, borderline was in between neurotic and psychotic. My mother knows of NO major trauma during my childhood. It certainly wasn't that my father emotionally abused me by being over protective. It wasn't because they got divorced when all my friends still had two parents at home. It wasn't because she was too busy being a single mom with a job in the 70's, to be a mom. She had her 9-5 director of a social services agency, she had her parents without partners, her PA group - like AA or NA, but for parents who are abusive. Then she had her teaching job. She taught "Creative Divorce" at the local college, one night a week. I realize now that she needed the money, but there was no time for me or my sister. At a most cruicial time in my life- teenager...There was my dad who asked too many personal questions and didn't like the answers, they angered him... till I said "If you don't like the answer and don't really want to know the answer, then don't ask the question". He follows this advise still today with me.

I've TRIED and TRIED to discuss it with my mother. Afterall, it was HER bestfriend, MY Godmother, who diagnosed ME. Granted, as a licensed therapist, my godmother could not disclose my info to my mom, BUT after age 30, I told my godmother it was OK to discuss it with my mom. She never did, since my mom never brought it up. My mom says "You're not borderline, I've never seen any borderline behavior" Yeah, right :rolleyes:

What about all those times when I was ranting and raving and RAGING when I was teen? What about the time when I told one of HER friends that she was ruining my life? What about all those destructive behaviors, running away, hanging with the wrong crowd, having sex with more boys than I care to admit? What about having so many ruined marriages? What about always (until now) choosing men who would abuse me? What about always wasting my money? What about the fact that I NEVER had a female friend that I could trust. What about the fact that I wanted a female friend so badly that the one I trusted is now married to my last ex husband? What about the emptiness I told her about? What about the void? the nothingness? the lack of feeling? the sudden mood swings... up.....down....up.....even....down...etc... My sister did none of this... this is not normal behavior. She KNOWS this and if it had been ANYONE else except HER DAUGHTER, her oldest, her smartest ( I have an IQ over 140 :o ), she would have believed it.

No, I'm just the screw up. I went against her advice and married Mike, the alcoholic wife raper. I married T, the man 4 years my junior, who loved to party and dance, but also loved to cheat, especially with barmaids. What about my 3rd husband, who ADORED me (my parents told HIM that I wasn't good enough for him), who left me when the first young, thin, blonde came around? But I'm 'Crazy" to be with L, my present husband.... :eek:

Obviously I have a lot of rage with my mother....too many issues to get into


O, I forgot, you all were talking about TV shows.... I love LOST... it's great...and Judging Amy, the Pretender, King of the Hill, and the discovery channel, the learning channel, the history channel, etc... LOL
Yikes Nakita - you REALLY answered my question! I hope I didn't open up a wound. Your mom sounds like she's in denial, big time. She doesn't want to be wrong about her diagnosis and she looks at it as a blemish on her record as a mom if she admits you have BPD. I'm sorry your mom hasn't been much of a support system at all to you. It's too bad (and ironic) that being a successful, intelligent woman, (who I'm sure has helped a lot of people), she is blind to the troubles of her own daughter. Maybe she is just too close to the situation to view it objectively. At least she did one thing right, she recognized you needed help and hooked you up with your Godmother, who sounds like an absolute ANGEL! Theres a good book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Maybe you've read it already. I guess you just have to look at your mom as human, as we all are, with faults and accept her. What else can you do? I know you have rage, but don't let the rage poisen you in the process. You've come too far! And as far as marriages go, for you, 4th times a charm! LOL Be happy and do what's right for you, you've earned that right!
Good Morning Ladies!

Got up bright and early today with my husband telling me that DHHR called about my state disability and needed to talk to me. I'm thinking, O NO, what now?
I called my worker and she said she's sending me papers so I can make appts with a neurologist and a psychiatrist to be evaluated for disability and they are going to pay!!! :bouncing: This is wonderful, because it means my case is moving forward!!! I can choose the doctors I want, which is also great since my neuro has been working with me for over 10 years now for the migraines, and the last shrink I saw was the one who diagnosed me bipolar in addition to bpd.

Maybe I will get it. This is just for a medicaid card, but that will help soooo much. I dont' know if you know or not, but when an adult over age 18 has medicaid, their prescriptions only cost $3 each. I could get that MRI I need, go to the dentist, to the eyedoctor, get better scripts!!! AND I've found out that there IS, FINALLY, a psychologist who SPECIALIZES in BPD at WVU hospital, which is only about 1/2 hour from me! Wouldn't that be great? :)

Rose: no you didn't open up any old wounds. One of the reasons I came to this board and others is that venting my rage this way is much healthier than holding it in. Helping others helps me. I've had mother issues all my life. Most people wonder why I still associate with her, but she's my mom, I love her. She tries. I haven't had any raging problems that are out of control in two years. BUT I do take xanax when needed. ;)

One more interesting thing that has happened, and very disappointing to me. My son, he'll be 21 in January, was arrested on Aug 7th for underage drinking, drunk and disorderly, destruction of property, and obstruction. The obstruction was because he refused to provide any info about himself, and he had a fake ID on him that could not be verified. The police did NOT charge him with possession of a fake ID, although they could have easily, but since he finally gave them his correct SSN, they didn't charge him with that. So, when he sees the judge on Aug 8th, he is given a $1500 bond, and sent to the regional jail. We don't have local jails anymore in WV. No one will bond him out. No me, even if I had the money, not my parents. AND his so-called friends didn't either. Three friends for $50 each or five friends with $30 each, and no one did it. I didn't bond him out or call my landlord, who is a bail bondsman, because this is the 5th time he's been arrested for underage drinking. I wanted him to learn a lesson. So did my parents. They've given him soooo many chances and he keeps screwing up.

Anyway, his hearing was Tuesday morning. I'm at the courthouse in the town he was arrested in, with my daughter because she wanted to see her brother, and my son comes in with his orange jumpsuit on, shackled and handcuffed. He barely acknowledges my presence. Now, I've accepted about 10 collect phone calls from him, talked with him, wrote him letters in jail, BUT I would NOT bail him out. He's basically expressionless. Doesn't talk much. THEN his roommate comes in, and my son is excited: "Hey Ray!" all happy to see him.
Ray brought my son clothes to wear and shoes in case he is released.

My son's sentence was 90 days in jail, 45 already served, the other 45 suspended and given a year probation. Plus restitution for the damage done to a car $500, plus court costs of $160 per charge, and a probation fee of $360. He also has to pay mileage for the transport from jail and for the witnesses time and mileage. He has six months to pay. So he goes and changes out of the orange jumpsuit, puts on his clothes and walks over to my car where me and my daughter are waiting for him. No hug, no hi MOM, nothing but "can I have a cigarette?" My daughter gives him a smoke, then he takes off with Ray.

My husband AND my mother ask why I would expect anything different. Why did I expect him to be happy to see me? I didn't bail him out, I didn't offer to give him money, I didn't even have a pack of smokes for him, so why be happy to see me?

J, my son, is so much like his father, who is an alcoholic and drug abuser. I left his father so J wouldn't be influenced to follow in his footsteps, but it's happening anyway. J's stolen from us, broken into our home, stole prescriptions and sold them, so I won't let him spend the night. I have to be tough. I won't pay his bills, I won't give him money. I'm pretty sure that he sells pot. But I would feed him if he needed fed. I've given him food from my pantry and freezer, but I won't give him money to buy food, cause I know he'd rather buy beer.

I know that I've talked about Rock Bottom before. J has not reached his yet. I had hoped that he would, sitting in jail for over 45 days. But obviously not. I just hope and pray that the next time I see him, it won't be in a hospital because he DOES drive and drink and smoke pot. But what can I do? He's an "adult" in the eyes of the law.

Lori: If a good head thumping would help your husband, I'd be happy to send my husband up there, (of course I would come too just to meet you :) :)

I'll be on later tonite,
Nakita,

That is WONDERFUL news about your approvals to go ahead with your medical appointments! :bouncing: That had to absolutely make your day. I'm very happy to hear that you'll be able to continue getting the care you're needing and through the doctors that YOU choose.

With regard to your note to Rose, I often wonder if I'm opening up any wounds with you as well and certainly hope you realize that is never, ever my intent. It has been so helpful and COMFORTING to talk to you. Your answers are always so honest and clear - sure helps me sort a lot out that spins around in my head 24/7. You and Rose have become my life-line's without a doubt. :) A week into this 'silence' period with my husband, I quit picking up the workbook. I hate not finishing things so I will probably put my nose inside of it tonight after I mow the backyard. :)

I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble your son has gotten into but agree with you on how you handled it by not getting him out of jail. I know that had to be a VERY hard decision for you as his mother. I feel so bad at the lousy 'reception' you had from him, too. You deserved better than that. While it's true that you didn't coddle him through the problem, you were nonetheless THERE and that deserves acknowledgement. Isn't it funny how friends can be treated better than family?! Oooohhh, is that ever a sore spot with me, Nakita. It certainly does hurt, doesn't it? He'll learn one day...when the friends are no longer there because they've got other commitments, etc. It's crystal clear to me that you are the ROCK in your family. One day those who fail to see it right now will come to realize the sacrifices you have made in order to help them. Just seems like that takes forever sometimes, huh? I'm like you - I don't expect anyone to grovel at my feet whenever I do something for them, just common courtesy and the respect of acknowledgement are enough of a thank you for me.

You mentioned that you like to crochet. Sure wish I could see you because I've got a TON of yarn that needs a good home. LOL My husband used to tease me about doing things like that or how I did it, so I sort of put it all off to the side. Then I got into this primitive rug hooking thing with his friend's girlfriend and just love it because it's even easier than crocheting. LOL It's not an inexpensive hobby, but I just by my materials as I need them and that seems to work out OK for my wallet. LOL

I hope you saw my other post about your thrush issue and my mom's suggested remedy. If not, take a look at it.

So far, I've been coping as well as can be expected in spite of no response to my letter. I'm not sure exactly what to make of it. I'd expected the raging phone call & so far it hasn't come, which is a relief...yet I'm still a bundle of nerves thinking it's bound to come sooner or later. Either way, he would need to contact me to either tell me to get lost & proceed with the dissolution or to just accuse me of attacking him unfairly, etc. I'm getting nothing at all...and I don't know what to make of it. It hurts yet it's a relief, know what I mean? I did close my letter to him with the following, which I hope reassured him as I know BPD's need:

"I'm serious when I tell you that you have very wonderful qualities & Iím serious when I tell you that I love you with all my heart and care about you! Yet you do not seem to recognize it, appreciate it or place any value on it. Thatís the perception I have. I wish you would nurture those wonderful qualities instead of drowning them in your anger. Do not think for one minute that I have abandoned you. Nor am I just sitting here holding a grudge as you may also be thinking. I simply do not feel as though you want me there. I am hurt, and I am bewildered. I donít feel that you want me around; that is the message I received the last time I saw you. You said you just wanted some time to yourself, and you have not contacted me since.

I've put a lot of time, thought and, above all else, my heart into this letter. Itís to tell you that you are loved and cared for. I hope you get something out of it. It's not meant to make you angry, it's meant to make you think."

So I'm hoping my final 2 paragraphs were OK and didn't push him the other way. Do you think I did OK here?

Well, I'll jump online later tonight. I still need to mow the backyard and maybe I'll take my chubby Stu for a much-needed brisk walk around the block. Hope you're having a terrific day with that great news this morning! I will talk to you later.

Lori
Hello Girls: :)

I certainly enjoy all the praise I get from you both, THANK YOU :angel: Wish you both lived near enough to me that we could get together. I've never had supportive female friends before and really appreciate it.

Lori: I'd be taking that yarn off your hands if I had the chance. I need to start working on Christmas projects.

Your last two paragraphs, had they been written to ME by my last ex, would have not seemed threatening, nor would they anger me. They would have opened my eyes to what I was doing to him. But, my ex didn't care enough or wasn't strong enough, and even admitted that he strayed because HE couldn't handle my BPD. (Isn't that a strange way of stating it was MY fault he had to sleep with MY friend, in MY bed?)

You also let him know that you are open to contact from him. He knows how to reach you, yet he has not. I would take that as he needs more time, OR he's holding back (which would be impossible for me) to see if you will break with your NEED to see him. ME? I used to take a hold of ANY lifeline that is thrown to me, from almost anyone. Sometimes got me in bad situations, but I used to prefer ANY attention, even BAD attention, to NO attention at all.

Since I can't speak for ALL borderlines, only myself, I can only go on how I would feel in that situation or how other borderlines that I know would feel.

But YOU DID GREAT :) :)

I made my appointment today with the PDoc that I saw when my last marriage broke up. I told them, of course, that my name had changed since I got married again, and they set my appt for Oct 13. That's pretty good timing. I figured since this is the doctor that diagnosed me as bi-polar, and agreed with my previous diagnosis of BPD, he would be a good one to see for diability.

Seeing the neurologist I used to see is another matter. She now only specialized in people with MD/MS. I did leave her a message since I was her patient for over 8 years, that I would be very comfortable seeing her for this evaluation. I hope that she will see me, if not, recommend someone who will.

Well, my life today was kinda interesting. I called the middle school where my younger niece goes and spoke to her English teacher. He was very nice and helpful. I explained that I am the family "mouth", and her mother has confrontation issues, even when they are pleasant, like this one was. He and I worked on a plan for her, such as a smaller group, around 10, in a setting to enable my niece to receive more attention from a teacher. She's not quite special ed or learning disabled, as they qualify it, but there are several other kids who are in between like she is. I hope this works for her. Her mother was very happy.

Then, my niece's puppy got into some anti-freez sometime last night, and after some horrible pain and suffering, he died this afternoon. School at let out early here, so she was there when the pup died. It's brother and sister are find. They are only 8 weeks old. O did I forget to mention that I am the family Vet Tech? I have a stethoscope, and have had many pets, know lots of home remedies, but mostly look stuff up on line. So EVERYONE calls for me when they have a problem with a pet... I don't do snakes! ;)

That's about it for now.

Have a good weekend...
Lori,

I think, and I may be wrong, that your husband is NOT replying to your letter or IMing you or making any contact because he KNOWS it's hurting you. I asked Larry how he would have felt, when we were separated, (because of a bpd episode), if I had not responded to his emails or IM's. He said he would have taken that as a sign that the relationship was really over. Instead, he knew that we were getting back together, because I answered him.

I hate it that you are hurting. You said he has the final papers, did you mean for divorce or legal separation? Can you send them again to see what happens? if he will respond that that?

I'll catch you and Rose up on my weekend in a different thread.





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