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boy do they sound similar. I think mine knows that I can talk circles around him and he doesn't have the skills to defend himself. I've told him I think he has a comprehension problem because what I say and what he thinks I said are different a majority of the time. It's funny how he thought 70% or women have this......no it's 70% of people with it are women. He just doesn't seem to understand stuff he reads or stuff I say......it's always misinterpreted. I try to be as clear as possible. I think I communicate fairly well and it's very frustrating when someone can't understand when you've been as articulate as you possible can. Yeah he tells me I have problems, I'm insecure, etc. I said yeah I am a little insecure, but not insecure enough to stay in a relationship that's not healthy. Not insecure enough to stay with someone who doesn't treat me right. He didn't know how to respond.
He may be testing you with the phone calls to see if you ever will deliver them to him. I wouldn't, if I were you.
So would you respond if you were me, or just let it go? I think it's hopeless. You can bring a horse to water, you know? I just feel bad that he thinks I abandoned him, and I know that's part of his game.....
Yes, they certainly do sound identical. If it weren't for the age difference, I would think we were talking about the same man. We probably do have enough sense to talk around the bs they give us, but unfortunately it seems to get us nowhere. There is nothing wrong in your communication that I can see, just as I doubt you have trouble comprehending anything I'm saying. I, too, used to try to be 'specific' and 'clear' to the point where I felt like I was talking to a toddler. My husband is highly intelligent and is very skilled at throwing me off balance with no prior warning. It doesn't take me as long as it once did to 'right myself' again and stand my ground. Now when I do that, he will find a different topic to dredge up or threaten me with.

I'm continually told that I'm the one with the insecurity issue, too (and who isn't insecure in some way to some degree?). However, I don't suppose phone calls and emails to him from old girlfriends would have anything to do with that, would it? I don't suppose finding a bunch of old pictures on the seat of his truck...many of them of old girlfriends...has a thing to do with it either. But...he will try to throw ME off balance by saying I had the audacity to 'sneak off' to Boston on a business trip with my boss...even though I'd asked him to go with me when the trip was first mentioned. He accuses me of going to my mother's (when we lived together) to meet a boyfriend...all it would have taken from him was a drive-by and unannounced visit himself to see that this was anything but true. It's how his mind works...constantly puts me on the defensive and I walk away from the conversation why I even had to defend myself in the first place.

I don't like the way your boyfriend is issuing that ultimatum (I've had so many of those myself that as soon as I recognize one, it makes me want to scream!) of how he will not get help for himself or the two of you unless you see him. I might have replied that with or without you, HE will benefit the most. The help is for HIM, not YOU. That may be pointless to point out though if you know he won't 'hear' that. You may want to redirect that ultimatum without making it seem like one by telling him you wish you could see him but cannot consider it unless if he is getting help. Put the responsibility back on him, not on you. If he's online frequently, I would sit back to see if he approaches you. If he's anything like mine, he'll find some 'reason' to do so. It may not happen immediately, but it will happen. I wouldn't IM him though. If you want to send an email, that might be different and easier for you as you won't find yourself locked in a debate that you may not be in the mood for. I paid a $300 cell phone bill in November because when my husband stormed out of the counselling session, I called him to see where he'd gone, if he was OK, etc. (again - trying to show that I loved/cared). It only escalated into a debate/fingerpointing match with suicide threats from him...which is what kept me on the phone for so long.

If/when you read that workbook, you will learn about how someone with BP manipulates us through FOG...Fear (of losing the relationship, etc), obligation and guilt. Believe me, I glanced through the first pages of this workbook online and paid more than the cost of the book itself to have it shipped to me overnight. :) It will help you assess your actual situation to make a decision that is right for you, not him.

I'm just going to start redirecting these callers to his parents' phone number. I'm still a little miffed over the lack of a personal thank you from his father or from his father via his mother. Yet, I think that his dad is probably so preoccupied with 'fixing' up his son with at least the basics & is starting to monitor his paychecks a little more closely that it was just an honest oversight on his part. A few friends have agreed with this concept as well. I'm also going to work on my version of a letter because yours really motivated me so that I can get it into the mail this week. I would probably feel differently about handling things as I am if I hadn't been treated so shabbily & hatefully during Labor Day weekend. He doesn't seem to grasp the concept though that when someone treats you like dirt, you hardly feel like showing up on the doorstep again. The interesting part of his behavior is that he's pretty careful not to do it in front of his friend, although his friend has heard some things & made it a point to tell my husband he knows a really good psychologist. Maybe he is beginning to realize he's got a problem? I don't know - probably just more wishful thinking on my part as usual.

Well, hang in there & let me know how things are going on your end. I hate to encourage or discourage you. Don't fall for those ultimatums though. Nobody knows how hard that is better than I do though. Don't just follow your heart...listen to that other little voice inside of you.

Scared Wife





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