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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Hello Ladies,

How are you both this afternoon? This is a very interesting conversation we have been having. You both have so much in commom, both love men who are borderline, but they haven't acknowledged it yet. Both of you do about the same things after work. Both of you are intelligent, loving ,caring, and interested in knowing more about the emotional health of your loved ones. You are both walking on eggshells. Caught up in this nightmare of borderline personality disorder. You didn't ask for it, but you still love them in spite of it, you want to help, but you've come to realize, that RIGHT NOW, involvement cannot help either of you or your men.

I, on the otherhand, am a recovering borderline AND walking on eggshells. My niece, the 18 y/o one, is borderline, recoginized by her, but not enough to seek professional help AND my 13 y/o niece is pre-borderline. Their mother is agoraphobic, uneducated ( she left school in the 7th grade), and is a door mat when it comes to her children. She also has a 10 y/o son.

I applaud your strength :) , your willpower :) , and your determination. :)

I also applaud your desire to gain more knowledge about this problem. :)

Lori:

You are doing so great! Taking a rug class! That's wonderful. I crochet, it's mindless also. Resisting the temptation to see your husband right now.

Rose:

You are also doing great! Not responding to the IM's, except to remain neutral. Your Junior is a great joy to you and a comfort. I understand.
I'd be a basket case if I didn't have my babies (dogs and cats).

My husband is no saint. He has his flaws. For example: he does not work, has not worked in 5 years. hasn't looked for work. Anything is just good enough. He hates this town so much... eventhough he grew up here... he won't/can't work here. Of course, the only jobs here are gas stations, fast food, dollar store, etc... where they wouldn't hire him anyway. He DOES computer work freelance, so he's not completely financially deadbeat. He does NOT spend money haphazardly. He is NOT social. he doesn't like to go out, unless we're going to the park alone or to the store. He doesn't go to the free concerts and karaoke events in town. He wouldn't go to our town's annual harvest fest type event. He doesn't want to run into anyone he grew up with. I don't know if he is embarrassed because he has gained so much weight since high school, or because he just doesn't like these people anymore. but we have NO social life. He doesn't participate in family activities. I take care of Joe, HIS brother. he does drive his sister to the store or doctor when she needs to go, but he prefers to stay in car. I am the one going next door to visit.

I miss being social. I take my nieces and daughter when she's in to the music and karaoke events. I love karaoke! I like people. I need people. I don't care if they are strangers, I'm not shy. I'm extremely outgoing.

He doesn't like crowds, he hates the mall, unless it's one of those times when its practically vacated. He likes walmart in the middle of the night. We don't go out. We didn't go out much when we had income. I mean out to places where there would be PEOPLE. I really miss people. He doesn't go to my parents with me, he doesn't go to events at the college where my daughter attends. He doesn't mind MY going to these things. He doesn't say I can't go, or even hint that he doesn't want me to. He's ok if I go. But sometimes, ok, most of the time, I want to enjoy these things TOGETHER.

He has serious carpal tunnel in both hands. He has severe nerve damage in his arms and legs due to a back injury from years ago. He can't really work, not a "regular" job. He can't hold a coffee cup for more than a minute.

My parents don't like him because of the jobless situation AND because he's FAT! and he is...He's my teddy bear. He weighs around 320 lbs. He's only 5'8". He was a star football player in highschool and all the bulk used to be muscle. He was injured playing football. He is extremely intelligent, but didn't/couldn't go to college because he was the only one of 11 children that would stay home and take care of his dying mother. He lost a college football scholarship due to the injury. We can't afford for him to go now, but we are looking for grants/scholarships/work study programs.

He has almost NO temper. His fuse must be really long, because I have only seen him angry twice in five years. Never at me, no matter what kind of crap I put him thru. His anger amounted in a raised voice, and a fist slammed into a wall. The wall wasn't anywhere near the person he was mad at. I live with NO violence, finally. The only times he has ever raised his voice to me, was just to be heard over my ranting and raging. He would rather talk out a problem than sulk about it, like most men I know. He can see both sides of a situation.

He is not religious, doesn't want to go to church. I want to, but with him. He pretends to dislike our cats and dogs, then snuggle up to them when he thinks I'm not looking. He says he's frustrated with my daughter, who is schzophrenic, a freshman in college, a contant story-teller, who blows everything out of proportion, but he hugs her and helps her with her computer. He plays basketball with her. He puts his arm around her while watching a movie together.

He's never been controlling about the money. Never buys anything without discussing it first, and I mean anything, like motor oil or gas. He doesn't get stuff for himself at the grocery store. I can't have cookies, ice cream, etc unless they are low carb or sugar free. I am the one that throws the stuff he likes in the buggy for him.

He takes out the trash without being asked. He does dishes, except the glass ones that he may drop. He cooks, he cleans, he feeds the cats and dogs. He takes care of the car and the computers. He finds me my favorite movies and tv shows.

and HE LOVES ME...HE LOVES ME... no matter what I do, and I've done it...no matter what I say, and I've said some pretty bad stuff... HE LOVES ME. No mater how I look....and I don't care for make up or hair care products when I'm not going anywhere....how I dress... mostly shorts and T's now....HE LOVES ME... I don't EVER have to worry about him leaving, he makes me feel like I'm the one that's holding HIM together. I don't ever feel panic or paranoid with him. I can tell him ANYTHING. I even told him that I was attracked to someone else..made him leave...dated this other guy....this was a before we got married.....and he didn't get jealous ( didn't let me know he was jealous) or upset or angry.... HE JUST LOVED ME....and waited....for three months....I came to my senses..... He's never brought it up, never asked questions about it.... JUST LOVED ME. HE WAS HERE....LOVING ME...and that is all that should matter.

My parents don't see it, but they've never acknowledged that I am borderline. All they see is that he doesn't work and that he is fat. His family sees it though. None of their husbands or ex husbands hug them for no reason. Or hold their hands... or kiss them out of nowhere....After five years he is still affectionate. He is still attracted to me Still grabs my... well you fill in the blank... when I walk by him....He never disrespects me, in private or in public.

As you can see, I could write all day about my husband, but I won't. I guess my point is, that you two seem the same way about your men. Always concerned about how THEY feel....

that's all for now..
Nakia,
Your husband loves you unconditionally! Thats what everyone hopes to find! You're one of the lucky ones! I'm so happy for you, that you can find security and comfort in your relationship.
One thing that struck me funny is that you said your parents have never acknowledged your BPD....even in your moms field? Even after knowing you had something wrong and she sent you for counselling? You've never discussed it with her? So who is your nieces mother? Your sister? or your husbands or ex-husbands sister? I hope you don't think I'm being nosy, I'm just trying to understand. Thank you so much for being honest and sharing your experiences. It does help! It also makes me feel good that you say that just acknowledging and understanding your BPD, makes it easier for you to deal with. The only thing is, I'm not sure my ex is evolved enough to look inside himself to try to understand. I think he goes thru life blindly lashing out at the world around him, never accepting any of the blame. Yes I'm trying to stay neutral, but I'm wondering if I'm stringing him along and should just not respond AT ALL.
Sorry to hear that your husband isn't very social. Do you think he has agoraphobia? It's good that he doesn't mind if you socialize, althought I know you would be happier if he went with.....at least he's not trying to control you or limit your socializing.
You say your husband is no more supportive of you than Lori and I are or our guys, but the difference is that you SEE it.....you FEEL his support. I don't think our men realize that they're being supported.......I don't think they realize that we're on their side.
Yep! I was right. I posted it elsewhere! Guess it'll turn up eventually..


About Mary...my sister in law... she's the mother of my two nieces I keep talking about.. she also has a ten year old son. All three children are spoiled rotten, and not in a good way. Mary is agoraphobic, can't make the simplest phone call to the cable company about her bill, can't go to the store alone, can't call the school about a problem with one of the kids... We do most of this for her. I take the kids to the doctor, my hubby drives her to the store on the 1st. She gets SSI and when asked her disability is 'fears'. She gets disability for being afraid of EVERYTHING.

Rose, I think my mother doesn't want to acknowledge my BPD because SHE diagnosed me as hystrionic. NOT Bi polar or borderline. and Borderline is so AWFUL. The research at the time, when I was in my teens and twenties, was the borderline was caused by major trauma during childhood. When my mother was in school, borderline was in between neurotic and psychotic. My mother knows of NO major trauma during my childhood. It certainly wasn't that my father emotionally abused me by being over protective. It wasn't because they got divorced when all my friends still had two parents at home. It wasn't because she was too busy being a single mom with a job in the 70's, to be a mom. She had her 9-5 director of a social services agency, she had her parents without partners, her PA group - like AA or NA, but for parents who are abusive. Then she had her teaching job. She taught "Creative Divorce" at the local college, one night a week. I realize now that she needed the money, but there was no time for me or my sister. At a most cruicial time in my life- teenager...There was my dad who asked too many personal questions and didn't like the answers, they angered him... till I said "If you don't like the answer and don't really want to know the answer, then don't ask the question". He follows this advise still today with me.

I've TRIED and TRIED to discuss it with my mother. Afterall, it was HER bestfriend, MY Godmother, who diagnosed ME. Granted, as a licensed therapist, my godmother could not disclose my info to my mom, BUT after age 30, I told my godmother it was OK to discuss it with my mom. She never did, since my mom never brought it up. My mom says "You're not borderline, I've never seen any borderline behavior" Yeah, right :rolleyes:

What about all those times when I was ranting and raving and RAGING when I was teen? What about the time when I told one of HER friends that she was ruining my life? What about all those destructive behaviors, running away, hanging with the wrong crowd, having sex with more boys than I care to admit? What about having so many ruined marriages? What about always (until now) choosing men who would abuse me? What about always wasting my money? What about the fact that I NEVER had a female friend that I could trust. What about the fact that I wanted a female friend so badly that the one I trusted is now married to my last ex husband? What about the emptiness I told her about? What about the void? the nothingness? the lack of feeling? the sudden mood swings... up.....down....up.....even....down...etc... My sister did none of this... this is not normal behavior. She KNOWS this and if it had been ANYONE else except HER DAUGHTER, her oldest, her smartest ( I have an IQ over 140 :o ), she would have believed it.

No, I'm just the screw up. I went against her advice and married Mike, the alcoholic wife raper. I married T, the man 4 years my junior, who loved to party and dance, but also loved to cheat, especially with barmaids. What about my 3rd husband, who ADORED me (my parents told HIM that I wasn't good enough for him), who left me when the first young, thin, blonde came around? But I'm 'Crazy" to be with L, my present husband.... :eek:

Obviously I have a lot of rage with my mother....too many issues to get into


O, I forgot, you all were talking about TV shows.... I love LOST... it's great...and Judging Amy, the Pretender, King of the Hill, and the discovery channel, the learning channel, the history channel, etc... LOL





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