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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Hi to my BBB's (borderline board buddies) :wave:
Nakita - Thats fantastic news about your disability insurance. It's terrible to have health issues and then have to worry about finances regarding it, then you care suffers, etc. Well I guess we all have to take the good with the bad. Sorry to hear about your son, but I have to agree with you and Lori, you did the right thing. Sometimes you really need to practice tough love. It's hard, hence the word "tough"....LOL You know, I have a friend that says the same thing about her son. She left his father and he never met his father, never even saw his father, yet he is following in his fathers footsteps with the same bad behavior and the same bad character and personality traits. It's really something to make you think. How much of who we are comes from our environment and how much comes from genetics? Maybe there ARE bad seeds out there. I'm sorry again, and I hope the boy changes his ways and realizes that he needs to. At least you got some good news to balance out the bad news.
Lori - I know you're feeling disappointed because of all the effort you put into your letter and you still haven't heard any feed back. Please don't say that he doesn't care about you anymore. Thats one of the things I read in the walking on eggshells book. We aren't suppossed to take borderline behavior personally.....*rolls eyes* They give an example in the book.....if you were going to be married next week and the church burns down tomorrow, you will be upset (understandably), but you will not take it personally. The church didn't burn down intentionally just so YOU wouldn't be able to have your wedding there. I guess what it's saying is yes we can be upset, but we have to realize that the things that are happenning are not directed AT us...(sometimes hard to believe).
Well Tim called and left me a message yesterday to wish me good luck because I had a mammo and an Ultrasound today because the mammo I had 3 weeks ago showed a 9mm nodule. He told me to call him back so we could talk. Sucked me back in. So I called and at first he was all sweet and nice...."Hi How are You, I miss you, thanks for calling?" with real concern in his voice. I said fine. Thanks for remembering about my test, he says, yeah I worry about you, I miss you, I love you. I asked him if he's still going to counseling and he said no, I told you I wasn't going, if you weren't going to see me. I said, I don't like that you're using that as a bargaining chip, blah blah blah. He said, I want to see you, why should I go if I can't see you, blah blah blah. Then he starts telling me that I need counselling. He's told me that before and I turned it right back around on him the last time....LOL I told him, yeah I probably do need counselling to find out why I'm still dealing with you when anyone else would have been done with you a long time ago. That stops him in his tracks. He doesn't know how to respond. I told him that what he's doing is splitting. He either see's things all bad or all good. People are either all bad or all good. He was real nice to in the beginning of the conversation and then not so nice. He says "ok Doctor rose"..... I told him I'm learning a lot by reading and wish he would read "I hate you don't leave me". I told him I'm educating myself to try to be supportive and learn as much as I can. He says (sarcastically), ok well you just keep reading then....
I told him I needed time to myself, he said how much another month, 2 months? I said I don't know. That is the truth, right now, I just want to be by myself, and do things I need to do and not be bothered explaining myself every time I turn around, having to entertain him, or even having a conversation. I enjoy my own company! He does not enjoy his own company and can't even comprehend what that may be like. It he's alone, he's bored and lonely. Then he says, what am I suppossed to do, sit in this house by myself for the next 2 months? Like I'm responsible for his boredom. Well it ended up that my doorbell rang because I had food delivered and we hung up. I thought I would find a nasty IM but there was none. He called this morning before I left for my test to wish me good luck and tell me he loves me and ask will I be around tonite? I hesitated and said, yeah probably, he said is it ok if I call, i said ok. I was braced for him saying, can I come over? I hate to keep saying no to him, but I feel like I have to set my own boundries. Thats another thing the books talk about. It's ok to say no.
Another thing I read about is projection. I'd heard it before, but this book really defines it in a way you can understand. Projection is when someone tries to get you to feel their feelings for them. I wonder if he is projecting his sadness and lonliness on me sometimes. I wonder if your husband is projecting his depression on you? Well I'm not looking forward to his call tonite, it will be more going round and round about him not going to counselling because I'm not seeing him and me not seeing him becaused he's not going to counselling. :rolleyes:
We have to keep doing what's right for us and setting our boundries of what we will and will not put up with. I try to get stuff done, I have a lot that I should be doing and sometimes I just sit and vegitate.
Nakita - try to enjoy the good news, how's the puppy with the iron stomach?
Lori - try not to focus on hearing from him. Can you go out with your friends or something? Take stu for a nice walk? It's nice and cool here, I took Junior out and we will go again later. He doesn't walk too far or too fast anymore, but he likes to sniff.... :)
Have a nice night ladies, and maybe I will be on later tonite!
:wave:
Rose,,

You told Lori: [COLOR=Red]things I read in the walking on eggshells book. We aren't suppossed to take borderline behavior personally.....*rolls eyes* They give an example in the book.....if you were going to be married next week and the church burns down tomorrow, you will be upset (understandably), but you will not take it personally. The church didn't burn down intentionally just so YOU wouldn't be able to have your wedding there. I guess what it's saying is yes we can be upset, but we have to realize that the things that are happenning are not directed AT us...(sometimes hard to believe).[/COLOR] I would have been upset at the church!! How dare it burn down?!!, AND I would have been mad at my fiance', my mother, my friends, the pastor, even the people who lived NEAR the church.. borderlines take EVERYTHING personally, untreated, we don't know any better...

[COLOR=DarkOrange]It's ok to say no[/COLOR] I totally agree with that. It's hard to say NO though. And from the other side, it's hard to hear it. Before I was in recovery, I could not be alone. I didn't enjoy my own company, because I didn't know that person, when I was with other people, I was 'on stage'. I didn't really get to KNOW me, until after my last ex left. Now, I LIKE me. I think it's wonderful, Rose, that you can be alone and not feel lonely or bored. I can too now. Sounds like Lori's doing ok with that too, she has her dog, her gardening, her rug class. I don't have time to be bored, but I DO look forward to being alone. Like now, it's 3 am, I can't sleep, but I'm alone, because Larry is sleeping. I could be reading, watching TV, whatever, and I'm ok to be alone. When Larry's gone now, that's a little different.... I can be alone for about four hours, then anxiety starts to seep it's ugly way in,,, I'm working on that one.

Please let us know how your tests have come out. I had a small tumor removed from my left breast right before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter...long long time ago...I was scared stupid!!! It was calcium deposits! So now I have an ugly scar, no big deal to me. I hope it's something similar with you.

Setting limits actually DOES work. I have set my own for myself too. Larry has his limits. If I start to revert to borderline behaviors, trying to manipulate him or start to rage or split, then he ignores me. He lets me know that he loves me, but he's not going to respond to me while I'm behaving that way. It does work. After I come back to a rational person again, he never mentions the episode. It's kinda like a time out.


Talk to you soon





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