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I'm not sure where to begin, and would appreciate all your feedback!

December 2004 I met a new boyfriend, I'm 45, he's 44.
Everything was great for 3 months and then almost exactly at the 3 month point, he turned into a monster control freak about EVERYTHING.....
But back to the 1st 3 months. We met 3 weeks before Christmas, and really hit it off. Within 2 weeks we were falling in love.
At Christmas he showered me with gifts, more than I ever imagined. I thought he was overcompensating for something, but I was so happy with the way things were going at that time (but I did make a mental note, that it was just TOO much).
At the 3 month point, he would lose his temper in an instant, became bossy, manipulative, controlling, and volitile. I tried to communicate with him, to work things out. I told him he needed anger management (because that was what I thought the problem was at that time). I then found out thru extensive research that he has borderline personality disorder, and that the anger is not the problem, the anger is the symptom. I read the book, I hate you, don't leave me, and I am currently reading, stop walking on eggshells, taking your life back when someone you care about has BPD. These books opened my eyes! I thought maybe we had a chance at this relationship, but now that I realize why he acts this way, I think it's hopeless.
I wrote him a letter, before I realized that it is BPD, and now re-reading the letter, it's OBVIOUS that's what it is. I apologize for the length, but I think it's more explanatory to post the actual letter than to re-invent the wheel. I'm sad and disappointed because I feel that there is absolutely no chance, , of this working out. He has been calling, begging me to come back, but I see that's also a symptom, fear of abandonment, and doing anything to avoid being abandoned.
If anyone cares to read all this, here it is.

Dear XXX,
Iíve got a lot to say to you. I hope you read this objectively and really try to understand my point of view, because Iím speaking from the heart.

You have so many good qualities that itís a terrible shame that your need to control and dominate overshadows them.

Do you remember the note with the flowers? Donít change anything, Iím nuts about you!

Well you changed everything. How did you go from treating me wonderfully to yelling, bullying and trying to control? How did you go from treating me with respect to thinking you have the right to talk to me like a subordinate?

Iím pretty sure you act like this because of your father. Iím sorry but itís pretty obviousÖjust take a step back and try to look at it objectively. From what youíve told me about him, Iíve come to the conclusion that your father was abusive. You learned to act like him, evident in your bullying and your anger issues. You learned to try to control thru intimidation and fear because thatís what he did to you. Parents teach us a lot more than just our A,B,Cís, donít they?

Iím not your scapegoat. You are responsible for controlling your own anger.

I told you before. Iíve lived like that and donít plan on doing it again. Did you hear me when I said that? Did you understand? My ex husband was abusive. I recognize the signs.

One time you and I were discussing you rescuing your sister from an abusive relationship and I said (sarcastically) ďdid you ask your sister what she did to make him angry?Ē You looked surprised, like maybe you had a revelation and saw it from the other point of view. I thought maybe it would make sense in those termsÖÖ.did it?

Do you understand that itís never right to take your anger out on someone else? Verbally, emotionally, or physically?

I treat people the way I want to be treated and I canít remember EVER treating you disrespectful or raising my voice at you to try to intimidate you, calling you names, hanging up on you, threatening to leave you, storming out or any of the other tactics you have used on me.

XXX OPEN YOUR EYES

I have been nothing BUT good to you. What about all that nice stuff you said to me in the beginning? ďIíll do anything for you SweetieĒ. Was it just BS?

The one thing you can do for yourself is to get control of your anger, get control of your temper. You are responsible for itÖ..no one else.

You need to realize that this has nothing to do with me. You were angry before you met me and you will be angry the rest of your life unless you decide to make a change. Have you noticed that itís never your fault that you get angry? Itís always someone elses fault, whether itís me, your sister, your brother, or the driver who coasts thru a stop sign without fully stopping. Iím sorry, when you say ďyou make me so angry, StephanieĒ, it just doesnít fly.

I canít just turn my emotions off and back on again. I donít like the way you have been treating me lately and Iím tired of all your controlling ********. I see a pattern. Youíre nice for a while, saying what you think I want to hear, and then when I start believing it again then you start to tighten your grip and make unreasonable demands. You say weíre arguing. Weíre not arguing. Youíre mistaking whatís happening for an argument. Whatís really happening is, Youíre stepping on my reality, on my identity and Iím struggling to retain it. Your ******** about wearing the pants. What makes you think that you should make my decisions for me? What makes you think that if we have two different viewpoints that yours should override mine? Without even hearing me out, without even listening to my point of viewÖ..Because you have a penis and I donít? What makes you think you have the right to make demands on me and try to impose your will on me? If you had your way Iíd only speak when spoken to, and only then if Iím in agreement with you. Iím not a stepford wife.

Maybe we have two different ideas of what a relationship should be. I want a partnership, you seem to think it should be a dictatorship.

Iím a strong woman. Iím not submissive. Iím a smart person. I have a brain. I have a mind. I have intuition. I have decision making skills. I have survival skills. I understand human behavior. Iíve learned a few things in my 45 years. I read all kinds of stuff. Iím up on current events, politics, etc. I work. I own and take care of this apartment building. I pay my bills. I take care of Junior. Iím responsible. I treat people with respect. I donít need to put up with ********. I can survive fine on my own. I donít know why you wouldnít think youíd be lucky to have a woman like that, and I donít understand why you would want to squash who I am and make me into a stepford wife. Itís not going to happen.

I told you before. I am not going to be with someone who manipulates, controls, or tries to bully me. My ex-husband did that. Have a baby or Iíll divorce you. Sign a home equity loan to pay my gambling debts off or Iíll divorce you. Do this or Iíll divorce you, Do that or Iíll divorce you. I lived like that for 10 years. I got away from it and it took a while to recover. I donít plan on living like that again. I donít have to. Do you understand that? Do you??

And you have the nerve to throw up in my face about a failed marriage? Let me tell you something that Iíve told you before. Maybe you forgot. My ex husband tried to manipulate, control and bully me into having a baby. Finally he left meÖÖnot because he wanted to leave me, but because he thought I wouldnít be able to live without him and would beg him back and give in to his demands to have a baby. Thatís called manipulation. Oh well, it didnít workÖÖ..do you see where Iím going with this?

In a way I feel deja vu with you taking all your stuff home and all your threats. I donít think you really wanted to go home. I think you were pulling the same **** my ex husband pulled. It was a controlling tactic. You thought I would beg you to come back and I would give into your demands of a key and kicking Junior out of bed. I would think this was understood, but I guess it needs to be saidÖ..Itís my house, my bed, and my dog. Do you remember when you pulled this **** on me before and I told you not to give me an ultimatum, because the next time you gave me an ultimatum regarding Junior, or anything else for that matter, I would personally hold the door for you? You nodded like you understood. Do you remember that? I doÖ..clear as day. I believed you, but you did it again, and again, and again. Only problem is, I didnít follow thru and hold the door, so you thought you could push the issue some more. I guess Iím partially responsible for allowing it. I probably should have nipped it in the bud.

This storming out angry ********, every time I see youÖ..this hanging up ******** everytime I talk to you on the phone. Itís getting very old. Thatís also a reflection of your controlling behavior. You call the shots that way right? You walk out when YOU want to. You hang up when YOU want to. Youíre controlling the situation that way, as a last ditch effort when you feel like youíve lost control because Iím not allowing you to manipulate me. Then you call up and say I love you, I miss you, like everythingís ok? I canít turn my feelings on and off like that. Hot and cold. I donít like the way youíre treating me, point blank. I donít deserve it.

I wish you could understand what youíre doingÖ..do you? If you donít understand what youíre doing, and realize that itís not right, you can never fix it.

Iím serious when I tell you that you have some VERY WONDERFUL qualities! I wish you would nurture those qualities instead of drowning them in your anger. You could be so much happier and healthier!

Iíve put a lot of time and thought into this letter. I hope you get something out of it. Itís not meant to make you angry, itís meant to make you think.
Hi Nakita :wave:
Thank you for your support! It's really nice to talk to someone who understands. I am so so sorry about your nieces puppy. Antifreeze is terrible stuff for dogs. They say as little as a tablespoon can kill them, and they are attracted to the sweet smell/taste. Antifreeze is one of my biggest fears. When I walk my dog, I go thru a gas station on the corner and I'm always looking at the ground to make sure he doesn't step in anything wet. I'm worried if he licks his paws it may be too much. It only takes a tiny tiny bit. How did he get into it? I hope it's put away, or cleaned up so none of the other ones suffer the same fate. How did your niece take it? I hope she's ok. I'm really sad about that. I'm a real dog lover. I love dogs more than people.....some people think that's wrong, but the truth is, a dog will never mistreat you, disrespect you, or any of the other mean stuff that people do. Dogs give unconditional love! How's your pooch? Give him a big hug and let him give you a big smooch! That makes things a little better when you feel down. I love my little Junior so much. He's going to the chiropracter today. It really helps his back.
I will let you guys know what the tests show, I may need some more moral support for that.... :angel: Hopefully I'll know something next week.
Tim called last night, as he said he would. He asked if we could go out to dinner tomorrow (today). He said I should bring the book, I love you, don't leave me. I think it's another manipulation to suck me back in. He doesnt read much, or like to read. I hemmed and hawed. I said, are you really going to read it? He said yeah, I think it's important. I think it's another ploy, and then he will revert back into a raving maniac. I feel trapped when he comes over because I worry about when (not IF) he loses his temper, then what, I'll have to ask him to leave or he will rant and rave and storm out. It's a lot of pressure. And then if he's over he will expect to spend the night and I don't even feel comfortable falling asleep with him here now. I wonder if he will do something to hurt Junior. The anti freeze thing......I worry that what if he comes over with a little bit on his fingers and lets Junior lick them? I know that may sound paranoid, but I have also recently discovered that I have OCD and that worrying could be due to that, but it's also a real possibility! I don't want to take a chance with Junior. I love him TOO much!
Plus if he comes over he will want to fool around and I'm just not up for that. He doesn't understand how his behavior affects me. I can't just turn my feelings on and off. Right now they're off, and I don't want the pressure of worrying about sex or how to get out of it. If I do it, it will be against my better judgement. If I don't, I will be punishing him.
So I said to him, we can go out to dinner, I'll meet you somewhere, I'll bring the book, you can take it home and read it, but I don't want to spend the night. He got real quiet. I know that wasn't what he wanted to hear. I told him I had to set boundries, for now and that's what I'm willing to do. He asked me OUT to dinner, I said, ok, I will meet you. I think that's a compromise. But his plan was.....once I said yes, then he would say, how bout if I pick up some steaks and bring them over and cook for you? Then he's in the door. I know how he operates. I had to stop him in his tracks. He's not happy, but he says ok. I know he will try to change my mind when he calls today. Oh well I feel better knowing that I will see him and then be able to get away from him. I basically told him (not in those words) that's the deal, take it or leave it.
It's good that Larry has limits and they work with you guys. I guess thats kinda what we do now without trying. When he acts up, he leaves, or I ask him to leave. Then when we see each other again, he wants to forget it like nothing happenned (I like you analogy of a time out :p ).....but it's hard for me to just accept his abuse, and then act like nothing happenned the next time......I'm still mad about being disrespected! I don't know.....I'll have to see what happens, one day at a time......
Thanks again for all your support!
You guys really are angels!! :angel: :angel:





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