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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Scared Wife-Thank you so much for your honesty. You must have the workbook that goes along with the book I have (with the same title). The book is excellent. It also gives a reference for a support group on line, that I have to check into just to read up a little more. However, I think my decision should already be made, but I keep checking to see it he IM'd me. He hasn't for a couple days, since the last one I posted for you. Part of me feels sad, like I'm giving up, but like one of the Non-BP's in the book said about his BP wife: he's worked so hard on not abandoning her, that he had abandoned himself. That's what scares me, that's what I think happens, like a slippery slope.
It's good that his friend can see how he's acting. Mine doesn't have any friends. He told me it was because they all had bad habits and he was trying to better himself and get away from bad influences. It sounded so noble, and I believed him. Now I believe that he drives them away. His family puts up with him because they're related to him, used to him, and some of them have the same problems.
I fell for him pretty fast too. He was great for the first 3 months, and a raging maniac for the next 6. Anyone else would say, if the relationship was bad for twice as long as it was good, what am I doing here?
I had thyroid surgery in May and my friends were urging me to "get rid of him before you have your surgery". You don't need the stress, etc. They were right, and I knew it at the time. Why have I allowed it to drag on for 4 more months?
He was a real jerk and not supportive, not empathetic with me etc. I hope you don't mind but I'm gonna cut and paste from the letter that I should have pasted the first time rather than type it all out again.
Thanks for your concern about my health. Thank God it was benign. Iím still tired. Stress and surgery takes a lot out of you. If you were that worried why didnít you have a little more patience and compassion with me? The first day I came home (to my house), Monday, you ended up storming out, because I was upset that you hurt my neck from squeezing my shoulders when you rubbed my backÖÖ3 days after being cut open. Then 2 days later on your birthday, after I thought I did everything I could to make you happy, you pulled the spoiled child act again. You say I wonít understand where youíre coming from. Itís more like I can tell you over and over until Iím blue in the face, how I feel about something and you just donít get it. I will try one more time to explain this to you, although I feel itís futile.

I felt as you did, when we first met and became boyfriend and girlfriend, I was SO happy! I was serious when I wrote in your Christmas card that you gave me a reason to believe in love again. You were wonderful, treated me great, were interested in my opinions, wanted to get to know me, wanted to spend all your free time with me, listened to me, talked to me, treated me with respectÖ.I couldnít have asked for a better guy!

I did appreciate you, and your help with things, and I always thanked you. I did not however appreciate your attitude that you should make decisions for me on things that I was perfectly able to decide on my own. I also did not appreciate your anger when my decisions were different than yoursÖÖsome examples: hosing off the lawn mower, buying a timer for the hose (you screamed at me in Home Depot), waxing my car when it hadnít been washed in months, fixing the front door by hammering the door frame instead of adjusting the closing arm, etc.

OK, now to the real issue, Junior. You say you have owned dogs, cats, lizards, etc. I would describe myself as a dog lover, a dog person. You may have owned dogs, or lived in a house with one, but you are not a dog person. I guess thatís the difference between me and you. To me a dog is a member of the family, not just an accessory or a piece of furniture. Pets have souls, personalities, feelings. Itís too bad that you donít understand the great capacity for love that a pet can offer. Youíre really missing out on something good. Oh well, we just view things differently. I told you from the start and Chuck told you that Junior is my baby. I love him. Why do you expect me to apologize for that? Iím not going to. Junior was (and is) there for me through the ups and downs of my life. He is loyal. I owe him the same loyalty. Everyone else (except my mom) has walked out of my life at some point. How many times have you told me weíre done? Loving him doesnít take away my ability to love a person, and it doesnít subtract from the love I can offer. Itís a different kind of love. Why canít you understand that? Havenít you ever heard the saying, love me, love my dog? I donít expect you to love Junior, but you donít like him because youíre jealous of him? Thatís a real problem. No one has ever not liked Junior, heís very likeable.

You say I put Junior first. Yes I do. Thatís what you do for someone who depends on you for their care and wellbeing. Again, why do you expect me to apologize for that? I put Junior first before ME even. Junior always is stocked up on food, pupporoni, milk bones, etc, and sometimes I have no food or pop in the fridge for me. If I didnít want him in my life, I wouldnít have him. Heís important to me, heís not an inconvenience. Your argument that youíre more important because youíre human doesnít make sense. The fact that youíre human implies that you have logic and capacity to reason. You should be able to understand. He on the other hand (being just a dog), would not understand why he was no longer able to sleep in bed, as he had for 13 years. I told you right from the start how important he is to me. There were no surprises.

Hereís one of your statementsÖ.
ďHow disrespectful and insulting to me that you tell me not to disturb your PET in your bed. Who do you think you are?Ē

Do you see how that sounds? Who do I think I am? Itís my pet, my bed, my house. Who do you think you are? From my point of view, youíre disrespecting and insulting me with your reaction to my request that you not disturb him because he was in pain and could hardly walk. I was also not comfortable just home from surgery but was willing to share my bed with you, when I probably would have been more comfortable alone, before you exploded and started spewing obscenities at me.

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