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I'm not sure where to begin, and would appreciate all your feedback!

December 2004 I met a new boyfriend, I'm 45, he's 44.
Everything was great for 3 months and then almost exactly at the 3 month point, he turned into a monster control freak about EVERYTHING.....
But back to the 1st 3 months. We met 3 weeks before Christmas, and really hit it off. Within 2 weeks we were falling in love.
At Christmas he showered me with gifts, more than I ever imagined. I thought he was overcompensating for something, but I was so happy with the way things were going at that time (but I did make a mental note, that it was just TOO much).
At the 3 month point, he would lose his temper in an instant, became bossy, manipulative, controlling, and volitile. I tried to communicate with him, to work things out. I told him he needed anger management (because that was what I thought the problem was at that time). I then found out thru extensive research that he has borderline personality disorder, and that the anger is not the problem, the anger is the symptom. I read the book, I hate you, don't leave me, and I am currently reading, stop walking on eggshells, taking your life back when someone you care about has BPD. These books opened my eyes! I thought maybe we had a chance at this relationship, but now that I realize why he acts this way, I think it's hopeless.
I wrote him a letter, before I realized that it is BPD, and now re-reading the letter, it's OBVIOUS that's what it is. I apologize for the length, but I think it's more explanatory to post the actual letter than to re-invent the wheel. I'm sad and disappointed because I feel that there is absolutely no chance, , of this working out. He has been calling, begging me to come back, but I see that's also a symptom, fear of abandonment, and doing anything to avoid being abandoned.
If anyone cares to read all this, here it is.

Dear XXX,
Iíve got a lot to say to you. I hope you read this objectively and really try to understand my point of view, because Iím speaking from the heart.

You have so many good qualities that itís a terrible shame that your need to control and dominate overshadows them.

Do you remember the note with the flowers? Donít change anything, Iím nuts about you!

Well you changed everything. How did you go from treating me wonderfully to yelling, bullying and trying to control? How did you go from treating me with respect to thinking you have the right to talk to me like a subordinate?

Iím pretty sure you act like this because of your father. Iím sorry but itís pretty obviousÖjust take a step back and try to look at it objectively. From what youíve told me about him, Iíve come to the conclusion that your father was abusive. You learned to act like him, evident in your bullying and your anger issues. You learned to try to control thru intimidation and fear because thatís what he did to you. Parents teach us a lot more than just our A,B,Cís, donít they?

Iím not your scapegoat. You are responsible for controlling your own anger.

I told you before. Iíve lived like that and donít plan on doing it again. Did you hear me when I said that? Did you understand? My ex husband was abusive. I recognize the signs.

One time you and I were discussing you rescuing your sister from an abusive relationship and I said (sarcastically) ďdid you ask your sister what she did to make him angry?Ē You looked surprised, like maybe you had a revelation and saw it from the other point of view. I thought maybe it would make sense in those termsÖÖ.did it?

Do you understand that itís never right to take your anger out on someone else? Verbally, emotionally, or physically?

I treat people the way I want to be treated and I canít remember EVER treating you disrespectful or raising my voice at you to try to intimidate you, calling you names, hanging up on you, threatening to leave you, storming out or any of the other tactics you have used on me.

XXX OPEN YOUR EYES

I have been nothing BUT good to you. What about all that nice stuff you said to me in the beginning? ďIíll do anything for you SweetieĒ. Was it just BS?

The one thing you can do for yourself is to get control of your anger, get control of your temper. You are responsible for itÖ..no one else.

You need to realize that this has nothing to do with me. You were angry before you met me and you will be angry the rest of your life unless you decide to make a change. Have you noticed that itís never your fault that you get angry? Itís always someone elses fault, whether itís me, your sister, your brother, or the driver who coasts thru a stop sign without fully stopping. Iím sorry, when you say ďyou make me so angry, StephanieĒ, it just doesnít fly.

I canít just turn my emotions off and back on again. I donít like the way you have been treating me lately and Iím tired of all your controlling ********. I see a pattern. Youíre nice for a while, saying what you think I want to hear, and then when I start believing it again then you start to tighten your grip and make unreasonable demands. You say weíre arguing. Weíre not arguing. Youíre mistaking whatís happening for an argument. Whatís really happening is, Youíre stepping on my reality, on my identity and Iím struggling to retain it. Your ******** about wearing the pants. What makes you think that you should make my decisions for me? What makes you think that if we have two different viewpoints that yours should override mine? Without even hearing me out, without even listening to my point of viewÖ..Because you have a penis and I donít? What makes you think you have the right to make demands on me and try to impose your will on me? If you had your way Iíd only speak when spoken to, and only then if Iím in agreement with you. Iím not a stepford wife.

Maybe we have two different ideas of what a relationship should be. I want a partnership, you seem to think it should be a dictatorship.

Iím a strong woman. Iím not submissive. Iím a smart person. I have a brain. I have a mind. I have intuition. I have decision making skills. I have survival skills. I understand human behavior. Iíve learned a few things in my 45 years. I read all kinds of stuff. Iím up on current events, politics, etc. I work. I own and take care of this apartment building. I pay my bills. I take care of Junior. Iím responsible. I treat people with respect. I donít need to put up with ********. I can survive fine on my own. I donít know why you wouldnít think youíd be lucky to have a woman like that, and I donít understand why you would want to squash who I am and make me into a stepford wife. Itís not going to happen.

I told you before. I am not going to be with someone who manipulates, controls, or tries to bully me. My ex-husband did that. Have a baby or Iíll divorce you. Sign a home equity loan to pay my gambling debts off or Iíll divorce you. Do this or Iíll divorce you, Do that or Iíll divorce you. I lived like that for 10 years. I got away from it and it took a while to recover. I donít plan on living like that again. I donít have to. Do you understand that? Do you??

And you have the nerve to throw up in my face about a failed marriage? Let me tell you something that Iíve told you before. Maybe you forgot. My ex husband tried to manipulate, control and bully me into having a baby. Finally he left meÖÖnot because he wanted to leave me, but because he thought I wouldnít be able to live without him and would beg him back and give in to his demands to have a baby. Thatís called manipulation. Oh well, it didnít workÖÖ..do you see where Iím going with this?

In a way I feel deja vu with you taking all your stuff home and all your threats. I donít think you really wanted to go home. I think you were pulling the same **** my ex husband pulled. It was a controlling tactic. You thought I would beg you to come back and I would give into your demands of a key and kicking Junior out of bed. I would think this was understood, but I guess it needs to be saidÖ..Itís my house, my bed, and my dog. Do you remember when you pulled this **** on me before and I told you not to give me an ultimatum, because the next time you gave me an ultimatum regarding Junior, or anything else for that matter, I would personally hold the door for you? You nodded like you understood. Do you remember that? I doÖ..clear as day. I believed you, but you did it again, and again, and again. Only problem is, I didnít follow thru and hold the door, so you thought you could push the issue some more. I guess Iím partially responsible for allowing it. I probably should have nipped it in the bud.

This storming out angry ********, every time I see youÖ..this hanging up ******** everytime I talk to you on the phone. Itís getting very old. Thatís also a reflection of your controlling behavior. You call the shots that way right? You walk out when YOU want to. You hang up when YOU want to. Youíre controlling the situation that way, as a last ditch effort when you feel like youíve lost control because Iím not allowing you to manipulate me. Then you call up and say I love you, I miss you, like everythingís ok? I canít turn my feelings on and off like that. Hot and cold. I donít like the way youíre treating me, point blank. I donít deserve it.

I wish you could understand what youíre doingÖ..do you? If you donít understand what youíre doing, and realize that itís not right, you can never fix it.

Iím serious when I tell you that you have some VERY WONDERFUL qualities! I wish you would nurture those qualities instead of drowning them in your anger. You could be so much happier and healthier!

Iíve put a lot of time and thought into this letter. I hope you get something out of it. Itís not meant to make you angry, itís meant to make you think.
hi Scared Wife, thanks for replying. I already sent the letter, a while back, to try to get thru to him, this was before I realized he has BPD. One thing I did say, in the revised letter (I had a few different versions), was....
do you really love me or just the idea of who I would be if I did everything your way?
but even now, I realize, even if I did do everything his way, it just wouldn't be good enough, He would find something wrong with it.
I know I should cut my losses, it's only been 9 months. Thank God, he started acting up before I let him move in with me. He was practically moved in anyway, he was there every night, and putting pressure on me to give him a key. I knew in my gut that was a bad idea, and I didn't give the key. He would have just come and gone as he pleased, stormed out and think he had the right to just come back into my house, my life anytime he pleased. I thought it was a control thing with him, wanting the key.
Feel free to use whatever you want from my letter, I hope it helps. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I know it's a little harder for you to just walk away from your husband, than it is for me with a boyfriend of 9 months.
Hi Rosequartz,

Wow - these similarities are awful scary. :) My husband started out with the remote control planes just before we married. He started out with 2 or 3, and I'm well aware of the costs involved. We married in late October of 2003 and by mid-May of 2004, he asked me to leave because of my mom, my dog and a multitude of other things that changed &/or grew by the minute. Even the psychologist struggled with keeping up with his complaints. Part of MY issue with him was the fact that out of these 7 months that we lived together, I paid the rent & utilities by myself - along with my land payment, car payment, cell phone & two credit cards, etc.. His claim? The money just wasn't coming in (he'd started a $40,000 home addition a month before we married - don't ask, because I have no idea what he made off that job or where it went). While I shouldered these financial responsibilities alone and was being accused of making bad financial decisions...he would come through the door with a big, brand new airplane tucked under his arm...like a kid on Christmas morning. By the time I was sent home to my mother, I think his collection contained 11 airplanes. Add to that a new laptop computer that he somehow found the money to acquire as well. AND...he accused me of 'sabotaging' his life, his business.

He is 35 and I am 41. I feel more like a parent than a spouse. He spies in my personal email...claims to be hacking into my company's email system (which my boss assures me is unlikely), eavesdrops on my phone calls with my girlfriends. Sent me out to get a hobby a few months into our marriage, which I did and he later complained to the psychologist about - my Tuesday night class from 7-9 was relayed to the counselor by him telling the guy 'she's never home...her father warned me of her tendency to run wild'. I've been accused of having a boyfriend, criticized for wearing make-up to work but not when we dash across the street to rent a couple of movies. It got totally ridiculous and he's BEWILDERED as to why I won't move back in?

That's why the wording in your letter struck me so hard. When you described you being a strong, intelligent woman...you were also describing me. You're a terrific writer!

Still no word from him at all - only phone messages being left with me through my cell number for him...from the trailer park people and co-workers. If I receive any more, I think I will just direct these people to his parents' number. Let them decipher which messages are important and use their gas to deliver them. (I don't think he has a phone at his mobile home yet.) The last time he had a period of time like this, it was in late January and in late February the emails came. They insinuated that it was my responsibility to contact him to ensure he was OK. I guess my well-being never comes into play nor is he responsible for seeing to my needs. It's a one-way street.

I'll try to sign in later on tonight after my stint at running wild tonight...I take primitive rug hooking classes on Tuesdays from 7-9 - with his estranged friend's girlfriend. I'll try to keep my wildness in check with all those older matronly women I'm hanging out with. ;)

Scared Wife
This is amazing, isn't it? The way things get twisted back to us. My husband has a serious lack of respect when it comes to the female mind as well. I'm continually told that women make bad decisions because they make them based on emotions; men make logical decisions. Oh really, then why are my bills current and yours are not? What does 'emotion' have to do with that? Why do I actually 'own' something and you do not? You have no idea how idiotic his statements begin to sound when he knows I'm aware of his poor decisions.

Pugs are so adorable! You just keep taking care of that little guy who I'm sure loves you to pieces just as my chubby mutt, Stu, does. I adopted him from the APL in 1999. He's been great company for my mom as well since my father passed away in 2002.

Your IM with your estranged boyfriend sounds identical to an IM I had with my husband during the winter months. I wasn't even as direct as you were (I was still walking on those eggshells) and he took it terribly. Said I didn't even begin my email with a proper 'hello' first of all and he did not appreciate the insinuation that he had a disorder (but I guess it was OK for me to sit there for the past year listening to him diagnose me with everything under the sun). I'll have to dig it up so that I can share it with you. You'll be amazed at how he twists things. He, like yours, was quick to point out that women are the ones most often diagnosed with this disorder. I guess when he read that, he interpretted it to mean that men are NEVER diagnosed with it.

These phone calls just baffle me to no end when you consider he is obviously not speaking to me. I wonder if he's doing this intentionally to try to prompt me to hop in my car to drive over there and deliver it? That would surely be much easier on him than for him to contact me with the apology that I deserve. I know how this is going to pan out, too. If/when he DOES call or email, he will dog me about how I'm playing games and not acting like a caring wife, yada-yada-yada. The one-way street thing again.

Well, I've got to go take care of my First Aid/CPR/AED students. Lunch has arrived for them so I need to get set up. I will talk to you later. Have a great day.
Yes, they certainly do sound identical. If it weren't for the age difference, I would think we were talking about the same man. We probably do have enough sense to talk around the bs they give us, but unfortunately it seems to get us nowhere. There is nothing wrong in your communication that I can see, just as I doubt you have trouble comprehending anything I'm saying. I, too, used to try to be 'specific' and 'clear' to the point where I felt like I was talking to a toddler. My husband is highly intelligent and is very skilled at throwing me off balance with no prior warning. It doesn't take me as long as it once did to 'right myself' again and stand my ground. Now when I do that, he will find a different topic to dredge up or threaten me with.

I'm continually told that I'm the one with the insecurity issue, too (and who isn't insecure in some way to some degree?). However, I don't suppose phone calls and emails to him from old girlfriends would have anything to do with that, would it? I don't suppose finding a bunch of old pictures on the seat of his truck...many of them of old girlfriends...has a thing to do with it either. But...he will try to throw ME off balance by saying I had the audacity to 'sneak off' to Boston on a business trip with my boss...even though I'd asked him to go with me when the trip was first mentioned. He accuses me of going to my mother's (when we lived together) to meet a boyfriend...all it would have taken from him was a drive-by and unannounced visit himself to see that this was anything but true. It's how his mind works...constantly puts me on the defensive and I walk away from the conversation why I even had to defend myself in the first place.

I don't like the way your boyfriend is issuing that ultimatum (I've had so many of those myself that as soon as I recognize one, it makes me want to scream!) of how he will not get help for himself or the two of you unless you see him. I might have replied that with or without you, HE will benefit the most. The help is for HIM, not YOU. That may be pointless to point out though if you know he won't 'hear' that. You may want to redirect that ultimatum without making it seem like one by telling him you wish you could see him but cannot consider it unless if he is getting help. Put the responsibility back on him, not on you. If he's online frequently, I would sit back to see if he approaches you. If he's anything like mine, he'll find some 'reason' to do so. It may not happen immediately, but it will happen. I wouldn't IM him though. If you want to send an email, that might be different and easier for you as you won't find yourself locked in a debate that you may not be in the mood for. I paid a $300 cell phone bill in November because when my husband stormed out of the counselling session, I called him to see where he'd gone, if he was OK, etc. (again - trying to show that I loved/cared). It only escalated into a debate/fingerpointing match with suicide threats from him...which is what kept me on the phone for so long.

If/when you read that workbook, you will learn about how someone with BP manipulates us through FOG...Fear (of losing the relationship, etc), obligation and guilt. Believe me, I glanced through the first pages of this workbook online and paid more than the cost of the book itself to have it shipped to me overnight. :) It will help you assess your actual situation to make a decision that is right for you, not him.

I'm just going to start redirecting these callers to his parents' phone number. I'm still a little miffed over the lack of a personal thank you from his father or from his father via his mother. Yet, I think that his dad is probably so preoccupied with 'fixing' up his son with at least the basics & is starting to monitor his paychecks a little more closely that it was just an honest oversight on his part. A few friends have agreed with this concept as well. I'm also going to work on my version of a letter because yours really motivated me so that I can get it into the mail this week. I would probably feel differently about handling things as I am if I hadn't been treated so shabbily & hatefully during Labor Day weekend. He doesn't seem to grasp the concept though that when someone treats you like dirt, you hardly feel like showing up on the doorstep again. The interesting part of his behavior is that he's pretty careful not to do it in front of his friend, although his friend has heard some things & made it a point to tell my husband he knows a really good psychologist. Maybe he is beginning to realize he's got a problem? I don't know - probably just more wishful thinking on my part as usual.

Well, hang in there & let me know how things are going on your end. I hate to encourage or discourage you. Don't fall for those ultimatums though. Nobody knows how hard that is better than I do though. Don't just follow your heart...listen to that other little voice inside of you.

Scared Wife
Hi Scared Wife - Is your husband in counselling regularly now? It's hard to believe that they said he could get worse and need inpatient treatment for 3 yrs minimum! That's very scary. We are dealing with something that is way beyond our control here. How can a person's mind be that twisted that they just don't see reality? It makes me mad at his parents, who are both dead, but I know they messed him up. But what good does it do to be mad at them, I'm making excuses for his behavior. He has to control it, you can't go thru life blaming your parents (although he doesn't). He idolizes his mother and says she protected him from his siblings because he was a little monster and they all wanted to kill him....he says he was a mama's boy. You know it's funny, one of the things I was reading says they like to keep something close to remind them of loved ones when they're not around, so they don't "forget" and feel abandoned. He has a picture of his mom on his headboard. I guess that's why. Oh and you will love this. The counsellor told him "we" have communication problems. There were communications problems in his family. I think I communicate very well, however this is obvious when it's pointed out and I didn't even "see" it before. He always told me that his dad couldn't talk (because he had a couple strokes), and his mom couldn't hear (losing her hearing/alzheimers). Of course they couldn't communicate if one couldn't speak and the other couldn't hear.....(smacks head).....LOL what was I thinking? Why didn't that ever register with me? You learn to communicate from your family! Duh! I feel so stupid that I missed that!
I'm a little concerned about what your husband is doing with his bills. I hope that doesn't affect your credit. Are you aware that he may be able to go out and get loans/credit and you will be responsible? If you don't know about them, and he doesn't pay them, (possibly gives a different address, his parents house for example....you will never see the bill) it will have repercussions for you. I would get a copy of your credit report, if I were you.
So how long is his friend staying there? I'm guessing the guy will get sick of his behavior and try to find somewhere else to go pretty soon. I hope he gets a few licks in first and tells your husband what world class jerk he's being.
Do your husbands parents know he's borderline? Do your friends and family know? Or does everyone just attribute his behavior to other things?
You know I read something in this book today that makes me want to cry. My mom is a diabetic and has so much trouble keeping her blood sugar down. This one really hit home. [B]Asking a borderline to just change his behavior is like asking a diabetic to just produce more insulin[/B]. That one really stops me in my tracks. It's not like I don't have enough info as it is, but man it just drives it home, that it's just not possible. It's not going to happen....EVEN if they wanted to! And we can't even get them to want to.
How old are you guys again? I know you told me, but I looked and didn't see it....we've written so much here! I'm almost 46 (next month) and he's 44.
I can't believe he drags his dog around and runs the car all day with the air on! Where do you live? I'm in Chicago. I love dogs, but I think what he's doing is comical!
You know I told you I had thyroid surgery. It was thyroid nodules, and turned out to be a multi-nodular goiter. I met my ex in Dec of last year. Maybe a month or 2 later I started feeling like I had something in my throat, when it finally culminated with all the tests, etc, it was May when I had the surgery. I'm 45 yrs old, never been in the hospital, never broke any bones, never been seriously sick. I've been very lucky. I was terrified of the surgery, but it went great (but that's beside the point). I'm into a lot of metaphysical stuff, and so is my mom. I believe the body works in mysterious ways, with energy blockages and such. Chakras, aura's, etc...
Well I read somewhere, and my mom even said that when you have trouble with your throat it's because you need to SAY something to someone, and you aren't saying it. I was biting my tongue since the beginning of this relationship, not totally, but holding back enough of what I wanted to say, holding back on stuff I should have said. I really wonder if that's related. I've also read that if you have trouble with your ears, it's because you're not "hearing" something that you should......Interesting huh?
Now, I had a mammo a few weeks ago, and I have to go next Fri the 23'rd for another one and an ultrasound. They found.....get this a 9mm "NODULE" in my right breast.....well I told him, and he was worried, and now says, he hopes it's not cancer, but whatever it is I'll get thru it alone, and he will never know what happenned. We try to be so supportive of these azzholes, we read books, message boards, in a frantic effort to understand and SUPPORT them, and they turn their backs on us! You with your oral surgery, me with this! I wish we could communicate off the board, but I know we can't....it's against the rules, but I would love to talk to you on the phone, but it's just not possible....bummer.
I apologize for the length, that's why I didn't write today at work, I knew it was gonna be long....LOL
Take care of yourself, and get some sleep! This stress affects us negatively, and we have to take care of ourselves! Can you bring your dog back home? He would probably be great company! I'll talk to you soon!
Hi Rosequartz,

Tell me about it...I've never been so darned educated about the mental health field in all my life. I guess if we walk away with nothing else, we will both possess more knowledge and that's never a bad thing. :)

My husband's parents are strange, too. At least what I've been told by him and the way they've been (or not been) towards me. To my knowledge, they do not know about the BPD. I think they MAY be starting to realize that something's just not right though. I think they may also be starting to realize that, in spite of what they've been told by their son, I'm not the problem.

I finished my letter and borrowed a lot from yours because it helped keep me on track. It was so easy to relate to because of the similarities. I'm putting it in the mail tomorrow. It should arrive at his parents' house either Saturday or Monday. Keep your fingers crossed. I emphasized my love and caring for him, but I was also very direct. When I get a chance tomorrow at work, I'll copy and paste the parts I added to yours, etc.

We live between Cleveland and Akron. I'm at my mom's - with my dog! When he asked me to leave, that was probably his biggest mistake on his part. It felt good to be in an environment that wasn't hostile. It felt good to sleep in a clean bed (his dog used to urinate in ours and it would be left for me to 'discover' at bedtime). It felt good to sit on a clean couch or walk around without having to step over and clean up dog accidents. It felt good to have a phone conversation with a friend without worrying about something being overhead and turned into something it wasn't. It felt good to not feel like I had to beat the clock all the time and talk to my mom about every day things without those turning into a dispute. Don't get me wrong...I still missed my husband. I just didn't miss the abuse. He has no concept of how much more difficult he made it for himself in that regard.

My husband's credit was not so great when we married and has been on a steady downward spiral since last May. His credit was questionable in mid-summer. I'd be really surprised if anyone would give him credit - and he doesn't know my ss info. either. Never had any interest in me that deep. ;)
Plus, with his laziness, if his father didn't fill out the application for him, it would never get off the ground. I have not seen them online and they've been at that trailer since Aug. 29th. That tells me there is probably an 'issue' getting a phone line. There was nothing out of line on my credit report last year. I should probably check into it again though just to play it safe.

Have you actually heard his counselor say this 'we' thing yourself - or is that what HE's telling you? I ask because here's another scenario I experienced. Our psychologist was in the same neighboring town as my husband's last customer who he was building an addition for. The wife owned the local bookstore. She and I clicked right away - great woman. She mentioned something about me living with my mom & asked if she was OK. I said she was and kept it simple and told her my husband & I were having some problems. That we'd been seeing Dr. So&So near her bookstore. She said she knew him. I asked her if she'd ever heard anything about him - good or not so good. She said she didn't know him or of him on that level, only from him coming in to order books. My husband wasn't present when this conversation took place. MONTHS LATER, the day after he stormed out of the last session (Nov), he called me freaking out over his dislike for the psychologist and went so far as to say that the homeowner's wife expressed shock & concern when he told her who we were seeing because he had a reputation for ruining all of the marriages in that town.

Now...what's your take on that? Don't you think while we had our woman to woman talk, she'd have expressed this shock/concern/comment to me - back in August? Especially since I'd asked her? He made it up. Plain & simple.

My husband started out with the psychologist for about 2-3 sessions and quit, stating he had to focus on his business/money. Shortly after that, he signed up for flying lessons. In October, he said his parents wanted to build a duplex for him but because of our situation would keep it in their names. I didn't have a problem with that. Next thing I know, he's handing me sweetest day cards & asking me for a dissolution (easier version of a divorce) saying it would 'just be on paper' so that he could have the duplex put in his name. That's when I realized how flimsy our marriage was & agreed to it. A few days later when I had my head on his chest he said, "I really appreciate you agreeing to this. Since you are, I feel it only fair to go back to the psychologist." I told him when the next appt. was. He showed up, wigged out within 15 minutes (I'll go into that more tomorrow) and stormed out.

Your surgery certainly sounds like it was scary. I'm glad it all turned out OK for you and sure hope this mammogram thing turns out to be nothing at all. I have to schedule mine soon, too. What you said about trouble with the throat...that's interesting. I keep getting an annoying tickle/cough. :)

Well, I need to get to bed. I'll write more in the morning when I get a break. You take care and get some rest yourself. Give Junior a hug from me and Stu. ;)
Hi Scared Wife :wave:
I didn't realize you moved to be with your mom. So you moved out of your place, and he moved out too? Is your place empty? I thought he moved out and you were still in your home. My mistake!
You're right about all the knowledge LOL. I know what to look for now. I know how to recognize borderline behavior, and also narcissistic behavior. My last boyfriend was a narcissist, which I found out after the fact, although I knew something was "missing" with him, I couldn't put my finger on it. I read up a lot of good stuff on ********** too. Now I think I would be able to spot one....LOL
I'm glad you wrote you letter. I bet that made you feel better. You will sleep good tonite after getting it off your chest! I'm glad I was able to help motivate that process!
Funny what you say about beating the clock. He used to come over everyday after work and we would arrive at my place about the same time. after a while he started to pressure me about a key because he doesn't want to "wait" outside for me. He feels insulted that he's waiting in the parking lot and ringing the bell, like an ordinary person....he felt entitled to a key. He never asked nicely, he always brought it up snarly.....well if I had a key, yada yada yada. One time the power was out in my hallway and the doorbell didn't work. I didn't know he was ringing. He was furious that he couldn't get in and went to a bar and called me, although there is a pay phone by the gas station 2 doors down. He went on and on about....well if I had a key this would a never happenned...... It was a power trip with him, wanting the key, that way when he got mad he could storm out and COME BACK at will. Otherwise he storms out, he doesn't come back unless I let him. He wanted CONTROL. I didn't think he deserved a key, OR control or me and my life. I don't like the way he tried to bully me into it. So I know what you mean about beating the clock. I was always rushing right home from work, even though I may have wanted to stop for gas, a pack of cigarettes, a gallon of milk, or God forbid, what if I get caught by a train? I was worried about his rath of being kept waiting.
Oh another thing, he was used to taking a nap after work for an hour, which I would have no problem with. He wanted to come over and take a nap. Cool, he's out of my hair, I can unwind, read my mail, feed Junior, etc. Only problem was, he wanted to just take a nap and get up and shower after. We got into a power struggle about that because I didn't want him coming home from work smelly, stinky, and sweaty (and boy does this guy smell BAD when he sweats) and climbing into a clean bed. I used to kid him that he the stuff the oozes out of his poors was toxic. I really wan't kidding. I asked him to please shower first! He exploded! If he can't take a nap after work, he'll go home and take a nap in his own bed (like that's suppossed to hurt me). I told him if that stink gets in the matress, it won't come out. So it ended up being a power struggle with him showering sometimes before he napped, and sometimes not napping.
I know what you mean about missing him, but not missing the abuse. I feel th e exact same way.
No I never heard the counsellor say "WE", I'm going on what he tells me, which I realize may or may not be true. But of course the counsellor is only getting one side of the story, whatever he chooses to tell him, so the information is slanted in his favor right off the bat.
As far as the bookstore lady, you're probably right, he made it all up. You didn't sense any type of adverse reaction from her, regardless of what she may have said, did you?
Oh when he said he thinks it's only fair to go back to the psychologist because you agreed to the duplex thing, that's so much like what mine does.....they are using getting help for themselves as a bargaining chip with us.
Hi Nakita & Rosequartz,

Hope you're both having a nice Friday evening. Nakita, how are you feeling? I really hope you're on the mend. How's that terrific husband of yours? :) Feel free to dump on me any time you need to - I'm here for you, too. Please don't forget that.

I thought I'd share a couple of paragraphs from the letter (it's too long to copy all of it) I sent to my husband in the mail today. I did my best not to let it come across as an angry or accusing letter. I sure hope both of you agree that I accomplished that. I am fully aware that he will react defensively about it - if he bothers to react at all. Two of my friends think he will try to do something nice for me, etc. I highly doubt that. He's too much of an angry person hitting rock bottom to do something 'nice' for me. If he did, I'd be totally shocked. Here goes:

Do you remember the way you used to talk to me when we first met? How you told me I was perfect, have good values & morals, was responsible with a great work ethic you could only dream of finding in an employee for yourself? You didn't want me to change. (Next I inserted Rose's line about being talked to like a subordinate not as a wife).

I'm not your scapegoat. I'm not your whipping boy. I am not your enemy. I am your wife. I deserve to be treated with respect and nothing less. You are responsible for controlling your own anger, not me.

I treat people the way I want to be treated, and I cannot remember one instance where I treated you disrespectfully, raised my voice at you to try to intimidate you, called you names, attacked your self-esteem, sitting beside you & coldly ignoring you, glaring at you with hatred in my eyes, threatening to leave you, dangling past relationships in front of you & comparing you to them or any of the other tactics you have used on me.

Xxxxx, please listen to my plea: PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES. (I listed what I've done in recent months alone that would be considered loving/caring.)

This time, I have absolutely no idea what is troubling you. I have spent the past week and a half wondering if something bad happened at work, if you got some kind of bad news, if you had a disagreement with one or both of your parents or Steve, if maybe your sister's furniture was damaged while in the storage unit, if creditors are coming down on you hard, if you got bad news about your lawsuit. I have no idea. You gave me directions to the trailer that last Sunday night you spent at the hotel. The last thing I expected was to be made to feel so unwelcome/unwanted so suddenly at the end of that week. Part of me wants so badly to show up and see if you're OK. The other part of me remembers too clearly how I was made to feel the last two times that I did. There's been no phone call or email offering an apology or explanation so that I'd know where I stand with you. Is this fair to me, Xxxxx? (Next I wrote my version of those wonderful "I" statements)

You throw things in my face. You blame me for your unpaid bills. You tell me I don't love you & show supportiveness in spite of my continual actions & words that prove the opposite. You tell me I smell from a sandwich I had for lunch & go so far as to blast the a/c & put the windows down in the car. You call me names - & I'm not talking about those said in jest. You accuse me of things. You tell me you've got a hacking program in my home pc and my work pc as well as in your parents' pc. You check my cell phone to see who I've talked to. You will openly eavesdrop on a phone call from Kim. I have repeatedly overlooked these behaviors & accepted your explanations for you and have even made excuses of my own for you. Do you do these things to Steve? To your parents?

When you agreed to the marriage counseling, I felt you were committed to the marriage. When you quit because of business/financial problems, I was understanding & continued with it on my own. In weeks you found time & funding for flying lessons with no mention of returning to counseling. It hit me every time I saw you pull out that credit card to fill up the tank in Greg's plane and when you treated your employee to $75 worth of fireworks after just handing him a $650 paycheck. When you expressed dislike for the dr., I suggested we find another one. You refused. I have watched you commit yourself to causes involving hobbies & friends, but not to me or to us. That hurts. That's a disappointment. That's not 'commitment'. Still, I kept at it - seeking help every place I could find it: counselors, psychologists, support groups, books, workbooks, message boards. How can I continue to get help for problems I'm repeatedly being told I don't have? Every counselor eventually questions me on your lack of involvement, your lack of participation & tells me I extend myself too much to you because they don't see you giving anything substantial back. I refused to accept that - because I believed in you. Some have told me you don't even act like you 'like' me, much less 'love' me. I refused to accept that; I chose to believe you. They question your priorities & where your marriage falls into that ever-changing list, because you will obligate & extend yourself to others but not to your wife or your marriage. This 'believing' in you - that's one of the main things you were asking for, right? Why would you even want me to go it alone if it's supposed to be for 'us' in the long run? I don't understand that from you. Where's your support of me? Of us?


There's more to this letter but I'm getting tired & don't have great lighting by my computer right now. I'll share more tomorrow if you want to hear more. I just kept reiterating throughout the letter my love for him, that I'm not sitting here holding a grudge as he likes to think - but that I simply feel unwanted & unwelcome & cannot subject myself to that hostility anymore.

What do you girls think? I almost didn't mail it - I almost chickened out. But, then I figured I've got practically nothing to lose at this point anyway. Now I'm bracing for the response (or the lack of one). Neither of which is going to be easy on my mind or my heart.

Hope you guys are doing something a little fun tonight. We had a local festival last weekend that I spent an hour walking around. Tonight I just opted for the couch & a nap...after sharing a snack with my pooch. Nakita, is that little pup of yours leaving your medications alone? :)

Lori





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