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Relationship Health Message Board

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Hi Scared Wife - Is your husband in counselling regularly now? It's hard to believe that they said he could get worse and need inpatient treatment for 3 yrs minimum! That's very scary. We are dealing with something that is way beyond our control here. How can a person's mind be that twisted that they just don't see reality? It makes me mad at his parents, who are both dead, but I know they messed him up. But what good does it do to be mad at them, I'm making excuses for his behavior. He has to control it, you can't go thru life blaming your parents (although he doesn't). He idolizes his mother and says she protected him from his siblings because he was a little monster and they all wanted to kill him....he says he was a mama's boy. You know it's funny, one of the things I was reading says they like to keep something close to remind them of loved ones when they're not around, so they don't "forget" and feel abandoned. He has a picture of his mom on his headboard. I guess that's why. Oh and you will love this. The counsellor told him "we" have communication problems. There were communications problems in his family. I think I communicate very well, however this is obvious when it's pointed out and I didn't even "see" it before. He always told me that his dad couldn't talk (because he had a couple strokes), and his mom couldn't hear (losing her hearing/alzheimers). Of course they couldn't communicate if one couldn't speak and the other couldn't hear.....(smacks head).....LOL what was I thinking? Why didn't that ever register with me? You learn to communicate from your family! Duh! I feel so stupid that I missed that!
I'm a little concerned about what your husband is doing with his bills. I hope that doesn't affect your credit. Are you aware that he may be able to go out and get loans/credit and you will be responsible? If you don't know about them, and he doesn't pay them, (possibly gives a different address, his parents house for will never see the bill) it will have repercussions for you. I would get a copy of your credit report, if I were you.
So how long is his friend staying there? I'm guessing the guy will get sick of his behavior and try to find somewhere else to go pretty soon. I hope he gets a few licks in first and tells your husband what world class jerk he's being.
Do your husbands parents know he's borderline? Do your friends and family know? Or does everyone just attribute his behavior to other things?
You know I read something in this book today that makes me want to cry. My mom is a diabetic and has so much trouble keeping her blood sugar down. This one really hit home. [B]Asking a borderline to just change his behavior is like asking a diabetic to just produce more insulin[/B]. That one really stops me in my tracks. It's not like I don't have enough info as it is, but man it just drives it home, that it's just not possible. It's not going to happen....EVEN if they wanted to! And we can't even get them to want to.
How old are you guys again? I know you told me, but I looked and didn't see it....we've written so much here! I'm almost 46 (next month) and he's 44.
I can't believe he drags his dog around and runs the car all day with the air on! Where do you live? I'm in Chicago. I love dogs, but I think what he's doing is comical!
You know I told you I had thyroid surgery. It was thyroid nodules, and turned out to be a multi-nodular goiter. I met my ex in Dec of last year. Maybe a month or 2 later I started feeling like I had something in my throat, when it finally culminated with all the tests, etc, it was May when I had the surgery. I'm 45 yrs old, never been in the hospital, never broke any bones, never been seriously sick. I've been very lucky. I was terrified of the surgery, but it went great (but that's beside the point). I'm into a lot of metaphysical stuff, and so is my mom. I believe the body works in mysterious ways, with energy blockages and such. Chakras, aura's, etc...
Well I read somewhere, and my mom even said that when you have trouble with your throat it's because you need to SAY something to someone, and you aren't saying it. I was biting my tongue since the beginning of this relationship, not totally, but holding back enough of what I wanted to say, holding back on stuff I should have said. I really wonder if that's related. I've also read that if you have trouble with your ears, it's because you're not "hearing" something that you should......Interesting huh?
Now, I had a mammo a few weeks ago, and I have to go next Fri the 23'rd for another one and an ultrasound. They found.....get this a 9mm "NODULE" in my right breast.....well I told him, and he was worried, and now says, he hopes it's not cancer, but whatever it is I'll get thru it alone, and he will never know what happenned. We try to be so supportive of these azzholes, we read books, message boards, in a frantic effort to understand and SUPPORT them, and they turn their backs on us! You with your oral surgery, me with this! I wish we could communicate off the board, but I know we can''s against the rules, but I would love to talk to you on the phone, but it's just not possible....bummer.
I apologize for the length, that's why I didn't write today at work, I knew it was gonna be long....LOL
Take care of yourself, and get some sleep! This stress affects us negatively, and we have to take care of ourselves! Can you bring your dog back home? He would probably be great company! I'll talk to you soon!
Hi Nakita & Rosequartz,

Hope you're both having a nice Friday evening. Nakita, how are you feeling? I really hope you're on the mend. How's that terrific husband of yours? :) Feel free to dump on me any time you need to - I'm here for you, too. Please don't forget that.

I thought I'd share a couple of paragraphs from the letter (it's too long to copy all of it) I sent to my husband in the mail today. I did my best not to let it come across as an angry or accusing letter. I sure hope both of you agree that I accomplished that. I am fully aware that he will react defensively about it - if he bothers to react at all. Two of my friends think he will try to do something nice for me, etc. I highly doubt that. He's too much of an angry person hitting rock bottom to do something 'nice' for me. If he did, I'd be totally shocked. Here goes:

Do you remember the way you used to talk to me when we first met? How you told me I was perfect, have good values & morals, was responsible with a great work ethic you could only dream of finding in an employee for yourself? You didn't want me to change. (Next I inserted Rose's line about being talked to like a subordinate not as a wife).

I'm not your scapegoat. I'm not your whipping boy. I am not your enemy. I am your wife. I deserve to be treated with respect and nothing less. You are responsible for controlling your own anger, not me.

I treat people the way I want to be treated, and I cannot remember one instance where I treated you disrespectfully, raised my voice at you to try to intimidate you, called you names, attacked your self-esteem, sitting beside you & coldly ignoring you, glaring at you with hatred in my eyes, threatening to leave you, dangling past relationships in front of you & comparing you to them or any of the other tactics you have used on me.

Xxxxx, please listen to my plea: PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES. (I listed what I've done in recent months alone that would be considered loving/caring.)

This time, I have absolutely no idea what is troubling you. I have spent the past week and a half wondering if something bad happened at work, if you got some kind of bad news, if you had a disagreement with one or both of your parents or Steve, if maybe your sister's furniture was damaged while in the storage unit, if creditors are coming down on you hard, if you got bad news about your lawsuit. I have no idea. You gave me directions to the trailer that last Sunday night you spent at the hotel. The last thing I expected was to be made to feel so unwelcome/unwanted so suddenly at the end of that week. Part of me wants so badly to show up and see if you're OK. The other part of me remembers too clearly how I was made to feel the last two times that I did. There's been no phone call or email offering an apology or explanation so that I'd know where I stand with you. Is this fair to me, Xxxxx? (Next I wrote my version of those wonderful "I" statements)

You throw things in my face. You blame me for your unpaid bills. You tell me I don't love you & show supportiveness in spite of my continual actions & words that prove the opposite. You tell me I smell from a sandwich I had for lunch & go so far as to blast the a/c & put the windows down in the car. You call me names - & I'm not talking about those said in jest. You accuse me of things. You tell me you've got a hacking program in my home pc and my work pc as well as in your parents' pc. You check my cell phone to see who I've talked to. You will openly eavesdrop on a phone call from Kim. I have repeatedly overlooked these behaviors & accepted your explanations for you and have even made excuses of my own for you. Do you do these things to Steve? To your parents?

When you agreed to the marriage counseling, I felt you were committed to the marriage. When you quit because of business/financial problems, I was understanding & continued with it on my own. In weeks you found time & funding for flying lessons with no mention of returning to counseling. It hit me every time I saw you pull out that credit card to fill up the tank in Greg's plane and when you treated your employee to $75 worth of fireworks after just handing him a $650 paycheck. When you expressed dislike for the dr., I suggested we find another one. You refused. I have watched you commit yourself to causes involving hobbies & friends, but not to me or to us. That hurts. That's a disappointment. That's not 'commitment'. Still, I kept at it - seeking help every place I could find it: counselors, psychologists, support groups, books, workbooks, message boards. How can I continue to get help for problems I'm repeatedly being told I don't have? Every counselor eventually questions me on your lack of involvement, your lack of participation & tells me I extend myself too much to you because they don't see you giving anything substantial back. I refused to accept that - because I believed in you. Some have told me you don't even act like you 'like' me, much less 'love' me. I refused to accept that; I chose to believe you. They question your priorities & where your marriage falls into that ever-changing list, because you will obligate & extend yourself to others but not to your wife or your marriage. This 'believing' in you - that's one of the main things you were asking for, right? Why would you even want me to go it alone if it's supposed to be for 'us' in the long run? I don't understand that from you. Where's your support of me? Of us?

There's more to this letter but I'm getting tired & don't have great lighting by my computer right now. I'll share more tomorrow if you want to hear more. I just kept reiterating throughout the letter my love for him, that I'm not sitting here holding a grudge as he likes to think - but that I simply feel unwanted & unwelcome & cannot subject myself to that hostility anymore.

What do you girls think? I almost didn't mail it - I almost chickened out. But, then I figured I've got practically nothing to lose at this point anyway. Now I'm bracing for the response (or the lack of one). Neither of which is going to be easy on my mind or my heart.

Hope you guys are doing something a little fun tonight. We had a local festival last weekend that I spent an hour walking around. Tonight I just opted for the couch & a nap...after sharing a snack with my pooch. Nakita, is that little pup of yours leaving your medications alone? :)

Hello Girls: :)

I certainly enjoy all the praise I get from you both, THANK YOU :angel: Wish you both lived near enough to me that we could get together. I've never had supportive female friends before and really appreciate it.

Lori: I'd be taking that yarn off your hands if I had the chance. I need to start working on Christmas projects.

Your last two paragraphs, had they been written to ME by my last ex, would have not seemed threatening, nor would they anger me. They would have opened my eyes to what I was doing to him. But, my ex didn't care enough or wasn't strong enough, and even admitted that he strayed because HE couldn't handle my BPD. (Isn't that a strange way of stating it was MY fault he had to sleep with MY friend, in MY bed?)

You also let him know that you are open to contact from him. He knows how to reach you, yet he has not. I would take that as he needs more time, OR he's holding back (which would be impossible for me) to see if you will break with your NEED to see him. ME? I used to take a hold of ANY lifeline that is thrown to me, from almost anyone. Sometimes got me in bad situations, but I used to prefer ANY attention, even BAD attention, to NO attention at all.

Since I can't speak for ALL borderlines, only myself, I can only go on how I would feel in that situation or how other borderlines that I know would feel.


I made my appointment today with the PDoc that I saw when my last marriage broke up. I told them, of course, that my name had changed since I got married again, and they set my appt for Oct 13. That's pretty good timing. I figured since this is the doctor that diagnosed me as bi-polar, and agreed with my previous diagnosis of BPD, he would be a good one to see for diability.

Seeing the neurologist I used to see is another matter. She now only specialized in people with MD/MS. I did leave her a message since I was her patient for over 8 years, that I would be very comfortable seeing her for this evaluation. I hope that she will see me, if not, recommend someone who will.

Well, my life today was kinda interesting. I called the middle school where my younger niece goes and spoke to her English teacher. He was very nice and helpful. I explained that I am the family "mouth", and her mother has confrontation issues, even when they are pleasant, like this one was. He and I worked on a plan for her, such as a smaller group, around 10, in a setting to enable my niece to receive more attention from a teacher. She's not quite special ed or learning disabled, as they qualify it, but there are several other kids who are in between like she is. I hope this works for her. Her mother was very happy.

Then, my niece's puppy got into some anti-freez sometime last night, and after some horrible pain and suffering, he died this afternoon. School at let out early here, so she was there when the pup died. It's brother and sister are find. They are only 8 weeks old. O did I forget to mention that I am the family Vet Tech? I have a stethoscope, and have had many pets, know lots of home remedies, but mostly look stuff up on line. So EVERYONE calls for me when they have a problem with a pet... I don't do snakes! ;)

That's about it for now.

Have a good weekend...

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