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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


cinting - of course we all care how you are. I wish I had some great words of wisdom, some formula to make it all better, but with me, I'm afraid it's sort of the blind leading the blind. I've been in your shoes, and still am, actually. I still haven't figured out how to get over all this, or how to stop hoping he will come back, even though he's been married now for 3 years. But all we can do is to just keep truckin' and try to be as positive as possible. I know it's hard. My usual smart alec response to that is "yeah, I'm positive I'll never be happy again!" :rolleyes:

All I can do is tell you some of the things I've tried and hope you have better success than I did, because I know that these things should help in most cases.

It sounds like you're battling some fairly serious depression. Try not to miss appointments with your counselor. As far as your sleeping habits, try not to sleep when you come home from work. Try to avoid naps and sleep at bedtime. By then you should be tired enough to get a reasonably good night's sleep. Try to step up your exercise as well.

You say things are getting more stressful at your full time job. Does that mean more responsibility? Would it be possible to ask for a review of your performance and request a raise? Maybe with a little more money you won't have to work your part time job anymore.

I think we both bought into the nit picking and degrading things our exes said to us because we had no other source to counter it. You need to get other sources to counter all the things he said. The most important source of course is yourself, but I'm not going to lecture you on self love, being that I stink at it so badly myself. But at the very least, I can say that deep down, even though I may feel like a piece of garbage, deep down I know I deserved better than how my ex treated me. And you do, too.

Hang in there. I hope things start looking up for you soon. It could also be the change of season that is contributing to your mood. Fall really hit here last weekend, and I've been really down ever since, mainly because I met and started dating my ex in the fall, so every year when the weather turns colder, I get that awful, empy sad feeling, but this year it's even worse. Fall used to be my favorite season, and I used to love to watch the leaves change and everything, but it just makes me sad now. I really dread the idea of having to go through yet another fall feeling like this and still being alone. I'm so sorry someone else has to go through this, it makes me mad that some men out there play these games. Take what makes us us, what's in our hearts, our minds, our most sacred beliefs and make all those things that make us special and unique, the things we are most proud of, and turn them into all the reasons why we weren't good enough to be loved. But you must believe you are. Try to spend as much time as possible with friends and family, not necessarily so much to bend their ears and use them for crying towels, but just for support, for not being alone, and to reflect that you are a valuable, lovable person. I'm rooting for you.
Hey cinting - there's still a lot in your post that sounds a lot like me, and even though I'm guilty of it myself, it's really stinkin' thinkin'. Like I've said before, you were only doing the best you could with the information you had at the time. But I know how hard it is to forgive yourself. I said so many things to my ex that I regret now, so many things I didn't even mean, that I said just in the heat of the moment, out of frustration of feeling like I wasn't being heard or understood or whatever. It's been really hard to forgive myself, but I think deep down, I have. I'm not perfect, and you know what, we're allowed to make mistakes. We're allowed to say things we don't mean and we're allowed to be inexperienced. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and hope they make us better, stronger, smarter, wiser people in the long run. I still feel a tremendous amount of frustration at knowing that my ex will never understand or even know the real me. The me I am when I'm not just coming off a really bad, negative experience, when I'm not struggling with the death of the only dream I ever really had, when I'm not being put down or disregarded or disrespected. But I learned a lot of lessons. I think I've been able to take those lessons and use them to grow.

As far as your ex's sister in law, she doesn't even know you. She thinks she's sticking up for her brother in law, but she has no idea what it was like to be in a relationship with your ex. She wasn't there. So just tell her to go to h-e-double toothpicks. My ex's friend, our mutual friend, can't understand why I'm having such a hard time letting go, and he's like "you guys just didn't get along, you had religious and political differences, it didn't work out, man, just get over it!" but he wasn't there and he has no idea what happened between us. He didn't understand why I took it so hard when he told me my ex's wife had had her tubes tied, he was like "so? What's the big deal?" because he wasn't there when my ex told me he couldn't be with a woman who would use any form of birth control other than natural family planning and he wasn't there when we went to our priest for counsel and he told us the Catholic view of vasectomies and tubal ligations. I know it's frustrating, I know it's hard to feel like you weren't given a fair chance and you were misunderstood, but try not to take it personally. His family members don't really know you. And to use this break up to make you feel bad and to suggest that you aren't a good person when they don't even know you isn't a very Christian thing to do anyway, so who is she to be throwing stones?

I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to ind a way to break that cycle of thinking that you're stuck in now. Like I've said, I wish I had a guaranteed recipe or method of doing it, but I haven't been able to myself. All I can do is warn you of what could happen to your mind and heart if you don't give it all you've got. It's a vicious circle, and it only spirals downward. You keep internalizing and internalizing until you won't know how to look in the mirror and see anything other than the woman he saw as not good enough to love. You've got to break this thinking right now. Have friends and family been of any help to you? Now is the time to lean a little on the people in your life who love and care about you. You don't need to cry on their shoulder about your ex constantly, but it will help just to have someone to keep company with, someone to go to a funny movie and laugh with, or just talk about work or current events with. Someone who will appreciate the way your heart and mind work and will reflect positive back to you. And of course feel free to come here anytime for support or just to vent. But remember, it takes two to derail a relationship. You are not the villian here. You had good intentions and did your best with what you had to work with. :angel:
[QUOTE=cinting]Hey Hiya! I really hope that one day I will feel as though I did the best I could do with what I had to work with. But the cold hard truth is that I didn't take responsiblity for a relationship with a man that I love. I had waited for so long to hear him say the things he ended up saying to me, and what do I do?. Give him up, give it all up. I just gave up. I was soooo wrong to do that. I really can't blame him for not wanting to be with me. He is right that what he did was between me and him, I always involve someone outside of our relationship. He had told me that we would never have to run into his mistake, or pass it on the road, but we would mine.

I had a really hard time last night, and I gave in to wanting to call him. He didn't answer, I don't know what I could have said if he did, but I tried. Then I saw him this morning, and it breaks my heart. Why do I feel as though I still have hope? Why do I feel if we got back together, it would all be right, we would do it right?[/QUOTE]


That's called wishful thinking, and I think a certain amount of it is only natural when you first break up with someone you really loved and still miss. You fantasize about re-doing everything and making work out right this time. BUt I guess that's what everyone means when they say "move on." It was hard to get it through my head, but it's just about accepting that it's done, for better or worse, and it's time to look down the road at the next thing to come along.

Please don't allow yourself to get sucked into his thinking, that you seeing this other guy was a "mistake." You were broken up. He forced your hand and got you to end it by being so unyielding and so unwilling to compromise. You moved on to someone else, which you had every right to do. My ex almost pulled the same kind of garbage on me. After we broke up for the first time, I was asked out by the UPS guy who delivered to our office. He said he wanted to see me sometime, but I didn't want to say yes with everyone in the office watching, so I gave him my phone number and said I'd think about it and for him to call me. He never did, and later said "well, I figured if you had to think about it that hard, the answer would be no." Which wasn't true, I was sort of upset at him being so wimpy about it, but anyway, my ex and I got back together I think he asked me if I had seen anyone else while we were apart, or maybe I asked him first, I don't remember, but I mentioned the UPS guy and he got a little jealous, and I told him flat out that he wouldn't have any right to be upset if I had gone out with him, because he had dumped me and I was free to see anyone I wanted. By the same token, your relationship with this guy wasn't working. He was being difficult and uncompromising, and you left, as I'm sure he was hoping you'd do. I think it's really low of him to use the other guy you saw as an excuse to not be with you now. That's just crap. I'm certain, as sure as I'm sitting here, if you hadn't broken it off, he would have, sooner or later, I guarantee it. He's not being honest with you. He's weak, and can't tell you the truth, that he just didn't want to be with you anymore, and is using this other guy to make you feel bad, and to make you feel responsible. Man, I can't believe there's another guy out there like my ex.

When you thought the relationship was over you had a right to see other people. And it's not like after Ross and Rachel broke up the first time and Ross ran out and slept with Cloe three hours later. You didn't make a mistake, you were trying to move on with your life. And you need to do the same now. I think it's really unfair of him to use the fact that you were simply moving ahead with your life, which makes it almost impossible for you to feel like you can do that now. As long as you keep thinking that this other guy is the reason you're not with your ex anymore, you will never be able to move on. And believe me, this other guy is NOT the reason. If the two of you had really been compatible, and if he had wanted to relationship to work as much as you did, it would have.

I know how hard it is to believe what I'm saying to you now. I tell the same thing to myself every day, and still can't seem to quite believe it. I still blame myself, if I had only tried harder to get along with his friends who didn't like me, if I hadn't let the stress of other situations affect me and bleed into the relationship, if I had only this or only hadn't that, I'd be happily married with a couple of beautiful kids, a nice home and a life that actually means something to me, instead of the TTE. Although I know I made mistakes, and I do regret some of the things I did and how inexperienced and selfish I was in many ways, it was just who I was back then, and who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have been that way if he hadn't been so unyielding in his religious beliefs, refusing to make room for me in his life, if he hadn't screamed at me to shut up during a pictionary game with his friends, if he hadn't openly ogled other women right in front of me, or whatever. I don't know if it's a matter of bad timing or just not being right for each other, but you have to believe that things didn't work out for a reason, and that reason will eventually prove to be a good one. I know how hard it is. But the first step in moving ahead and letting go of this pain is to stop beating yourself up. It takes two to mess up a relationship. You're not all to blame, no matter what he and his family tries to tell you.
[QUOTE=Hiya]Look at what I put in bold in your above post, cinting. You were smart enough to know when someone is being belittling or verbally abusive. Could it be perhaps you know deep down inside that this guy wasn't right for you, but you're just lonely and scared of ending up alone, and that's why you feel the desperate need to get back together with a guy you know isn't right for you? [/QUOTE]

I don't think it's because I am afraid that I will end up alone. I am lonely, but I don't just want company. I want his. I tried to be with someone else and it was a huge mistake. I don't know why I let it go as far as I did, but then it was like after I did, I felt guilty and trapped. I knew I wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was concerned about hurting the feelings of the guy I started seeing. I should have been concerned about me. You know, when I broke it off with my ex, he did try to get me back, but he was still saying the same things and backing up his decision on not wanting to have a baby with things that family and friends had said to him. I wouldn't go back. It was only a couple of weeks before I went out with someone else. Then he came to my work and told me that he would do anything, and I had to tell him that I had been out with someone. He still wanted to work it out, came to my house, then he went to the preacher and rededicated his life. He still said he wanted to be with me, but he couldn't guarantee that we would get back together, but he wanted me to be still and not go out with anyone and not let something happen I couldn't take back. So I told him okay, I wouldn't date anyone, but I didn't want to talk to him either, I wanted time to think and be by myself, but he said no that he had to talk to me everyday, which I knew was only to make sure of what I was doing. Anyway, this angered me, and I said never mind. Sometime in the midst of this, he called and said he needed to make amends and told me about the girl (very young girl) that he had went riding around with 5 or 6 times, kissing only, that for a year he had not told me about. Doesn't matter, but I looked her name up on my computer at work and found out how old she was which bothered me because of the hard time he had given me over the older man I had dated. So I had to call him and tell him that I knew and he threatened to call my work and report me for looking things up I shouldn't. We didn't talk for a couple of weeks after this, and then I started trying to call him. And in the meantime I had let it go farther than it ever should have with the guy I had started seeing. Finally, when I text messaged him that I was sorry, he called me. We both went to talk to his preacher and the preacher more or less backed up things he had said to me (I was living the life of a *****), and told me that me and my ex would probably not be together, come to find out my ex had told him to say that. So we didn't talk for a couple of days, and then I went to his house. At first, he wasn't going to talk to me, told me that I open the door for the devil to him. He called the law on me because I wouldn't leave and wanted to talk to him. We didn't talk for about a month after that and then we did for a couple of hours one night. He has always said everytime he talks to me that he wants to be with me, thinks about how we can, but can't because of decisions I made. I would try to call and he wouldn't answer and then a couple of months ago, I called and he answered and set me up with the guy I had been seeing so he could hear everything I said to my ex, which was ok because I was going to tell him I couldn't see him anymore anyway. I had told him all along how I felt and he knew I wasn't over my ex and the things that had happened. Of course, my ex called and apologized over the things he had said to me when this happened.

[QUOTE]I don't think this means you have bad character. Or even that you make bad decisions. Please try to be a little more generous and forgiving to yourself. [/QUOTE]

Everytime I talk to my ex he says that he would love to be with me, but when he turned to God, I turned to another mans bed. That's bad character, when I knew I was in love with someone else. I am so sorry this is so long, I just wanted to tell you more of the story.
Hey cinting - eaglesgirl makes sense, too. In fact, she sort of reminds me a little of myself when I was her age! Only I think she's a lot tougher.

I just want to check in to see how you're feeling today, and to let you know I'm here for you. I have no intention of quiting on you, because I think you're really fighting for your life in a sense right now. We all deal with relationships in a different way. Some people kind of have an "easy come, easy go" attitude and can move on and their lives are pretty much unaffected. Some of us, though, seem to just experience love in a very sentimental, romantic, quixotic way, and only know how to love with all our hearts and souls, and when the one we give that love to decides to go, it's like they're taking our whole life with them. Which they are, if we make them our life. That's the mistake I made. Like I've said, my ex I think was much like yours. Being with him meant giving up my music, my beliefs, and lots of other things. I chose him over me, and when he left, well, that left me quite buggared. Especially when he up and shacked up with a woman who was the opposite of everything he said he was leaving me to find.

But it doesn't have to be that way for you. Have you made out the two lists I talked about yet? It's time to pull yourself out of the emotional and look at the situation a little more objectively, and think those lists will help you do that. Now's the time to get back on track and get back to taking pride in yourself no matter who does or doesn't want to be with you. It's hard, I know, but now's the time to give it your very best shot, and to fight for it.

Hang in there with me, cinting. I do know what you're going through and I'll do my best to hang in there with you until you can put this relationship in perspective and feel confident in moving on with your life. :angel:
[QUOTE=Hiya]I just want to check in to see how you're feeling today, and to let you know I'm here for you. I have no intention of quiting on you, because I think you're really fighting for your life in a sense right now. We all deal with relationships in a different way. Some people kind of have an "easy come, easy go" attitude and can move on and their lives are pretty much unaffected. Some of us, though, seem to just experience love in a very sentimental, romantic, quixotic way, and only know how to love with all our hearts and souls, and when the one we give that love to decides to go, it's like they're taking our whole life with them. Which they are, if we make them our life. That's the mistake I made. Like I've said, my ex I think was much like yours. Being with him meant giving up my music, my beliefs, and lots of other things. I chose him over me, and when he left, well, that left me quite buggared. Especially when he up and shacked up with a woman who was the opposite of everything he said he was leaving me to find.[/QUOTE]

Thanks Hiya! I really do feel like I am fighting for my life, what shambles of a life I have. I do feel somewhat better today, probably because all I did all weekend was lay on the couch. I gave up on my part-time job. I always am affected by relationships, if I love that person and really want to be with them, I give my absolute all. But I had never felt this way about anyone before, so crazy in love, wanting to be accepted by someone as much as I wanted him to accept me and love me. And the sad thing is, I think even though it had took awhile, I think he realized and really did love me and want me for me. I didn't give him the chance to show me. I did make him my life. We didn't always agree on the same music, but we also had alot in common with our music choices. Sometimes we would sing and have a blast in the vehicle acting crazy. But I gave up things for him, a job that I loved, I had a belly ring I had had for 6 years, he didn't like it (a sex symbol) so I took it out, for good. Oh well, did those things really matter when it came down to being with the man I love?

[QUOTE]But it doesn't have to be that way for you. Have you made out the two lists I talked about yet? It's time to pull yourself out of the emotional and look at the situation a little more objectively, and think those lists will help you do that. Now's the time to get back on track and get back to taking pride in yourself no matter who does or doesn't want to be with you. It's hard, I know, but now's the time to give it your very best shot, and to fight for it. [/QUOTE]

I tried to make the lists, all I did was cry because it made me miss all the little things I love about him so much. I really don't have pride in myself, I think every decision I have ever made and still make is bad or wrong.

[QUOTE]Hang in there with me, cinting. I do know what you're going through and I'll do my best to hang in there with you until you can put this relationship in perspective and feel confident in moving on with your life. :angel:[/QUOTE]

Thanks Hiya. I know you have been there and I really do appreciate your support. Thank you for always replying, it's amazing to know you can come here and pour your heart out and someone will always try to lift you up.
[QUOTE=cinting][
I tried to make the lists, all I did was cry because it made me miss all the little things I love about him so much. I really don't have pride in myself, I think every decision I have ever made and still make is bad or wrong.



Thanks Hiya. I know you have been there and I really do appreciate your support. Thank you for always replying, it's amazing to know you can come here and pour your heart out and someone will always try to lift you up.[/QUOTE]

I know how hard it is. Talking you through it actually sort of helps me, too. I feel as though some of the people here have about given up on me, and I can't blame them, really. There's really nothing left to say in my case, it's just something I have to keep plodding on with day after day. I just would really hate to see you get to a point where you were left with no more choices and were looking at being really unhappy for the rest of your life.

If it hurts too much to make the good things list, start with the bad things list. Concentrate on all the things that drove you crazy and made you miserable or frustrated or made you feel stifled or suffocated in the relationship. I really think this will help you look at it more objectively.

No, I don't think you are making bad choices or decisions. I will agree that right now you're not operating in your own best interests, because you're hurting too badly. Any time someone hurts this badly, it's easy to become self-destructive. But the woman in the mirror is the only person you are stuck with for life, so you might as well learn to love her, or at least get along with her for now. You must stop beating her up, calling her stupid, and telling her she can't make decisions and that she's incapable of managing her life, because she's the most important resource you have right now. Be kind to her. Treat her well, and she'll be good to you too, I promise!

You are who you are, and you have every right to be who you are. Just because this guy couldn't appreciate who you are doesn't mean you're wrong. I know you'd rather have him than your pride, pride's hard to curl up with on a cold night. But in case you didn't feel it for yourself in the last days of your relationship, let me tell you, there's nothing lonelier than lying right next to someone and still feeling all alone.

I think right now, concentrate on baby steps. I want you to do one really good thing for yourself this week, whether it's treating yourself to a movie, a nice long bubble bath, a nice walk in the park or whatever your secret pleasures are, treat yourself this week. Concentrate on being good to yourself, telling yourself you deserve to be treated well every now and again, and enjoy it. Hang in there.
[QUOTE=cinting]Hey guys, how is everyones day? I actually had a better night last night, watched tv and laughed, didn't fall asleep crying. But of course woke up feeling as though I could cry and my day at work has been horrible. It seems as though everything is falling apart, is this because I just don't have my life in order? I stay torn up and stressed out all the time, it has become a effort to act as though I am ok.

Hiya, did your ex become involved with someone that you knew? I am terrified that will happen to me.[/QUOTE]

Well, usually when something like this, something that strikes us as really traumatic and hits us really hard, anything else in our lives that isn't lined up well just seems to go totally out of whack. How do you like your job? Your living environment? Once you get some strength back and get your legs back under you, perhaps it would be a good time to reassess and see where you can make some improvements so that you can get more control over your life and build a life you're proud of and happy with, whether or not you have this guy, or any guy. When my ex left me, it accentuated how much I really didn't like my job. Then my best friend sort of flaked out on me, stopped contacting me and stopped returning my calls, and we ended up just ending contact, then I said I would put all my energies into my dog, who was about 11 at the time, and focusing on making her last 3 or 4 years happy because I had been so down and depressed and spent so much time running from my unhappiness that I had really neglected her. Unfortunately, about a month after I recommited to being a really good, attentive dog owner, I discovered she had cancer and she died a little more than a month later. when that happened, my last fuses just blew, and I knew I couldn't work my job anymore, so I made a career change, moved, got a new puppy, and was on the road to feeling ok again when I discovered my ex had married, which I must admit I never expected him to do. Very naive of me, but I must admit, in the back of my mind, I had always believed we would end up together. That he would never find the kind of woman he said he was looking for, Catholic, never been married, no kids but wanted them, no artificial birth control, etc. I didn't think he would ever find anyone that he could connect with like me and we would find our way back to each other. I found out he had married quite by accident, and when I found out she was a divorcee with three kids and tied tubes, something inside me just broke. Would this have happened if I hadn't lost my best friend, or my dog, or if I had a better support system? I don't think so. I learned the hard way how essential it is to have good friends, good family relations, and to get your career squared away, and basically have built a life for yourself that you feel good about, and when the man comes along, if it works, great. If it doesn't you're not totally blown away because he wasn't your whole world. But we can't always work it out that way, it just doesn't come together for all of us the way we would like. But I think right now, you just need to heal. Spend time with supportive friends and family, and like I said, once you get to feeling better, then you can make some decisions, and perhaps start shaking things up in your life to be more basically satisfied with who, what and where you are so the next break up, god forbid should there be one, doesn't annihilate you.

No, my ex didn't marry someone I knew, but then I didn't know that many people. Though I would have felt betrayed if he had, but I'm not sure if it would have been much worse than how betrayed I felt just learning he married someone so opposite of what he claimed to want, thereby proving that our whole relationship was a lie, and having to spend my life knowing the love of my life saw me as nothing more than an emotional cup of coffee, just time he was killing. That's what's the most painful for me. Having meant so little to someone who meant everything to me.

But who he ends up with isn't really your concern. He moved on, for whatever reason, so I have to as well. I admit so far I've done a lousy job at it but I hope I can point out the pitfalls to you and you'll have an easier time of getting on with life. Still here wishing you luck!





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