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It has been over a week and I still cry every day and every night. Why is it so hard? The first time my heart was broken was when my first boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I wanted to die. I hated him. I hated myself. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I lived in my own little miserable world. I got through it with the help of my closest friends. They supported me. That was five years ago. And since that day, I have not cried for another guy…until last Thursday night.

I met Wesley a few months ago. We spent a glorious two weeks together and since then we talk several times a day for hours on end. For the first time in a long time I opened up and trusted him with all my heart. He said that the things I do for him shows him that I trust him and that makes him feel good. He said that I satisfied him physically, emotionally, and sexually. I noticed that a few weeks ago his calls became infrequent. I felt something was wrong but when he would call, everything would be perfect again.

Last Thursday night he called me to tell me that there is someone that may become his girlfriend. He said it was an old friend. I suspect it is his ex. We never talked about our past relationships but the entire time I felt like he was still not over his ex. They went out for four years. Although I respect him for telling me, it still doesn’t make me feel any better. I am crushed. I lay awake at night and think about all the nights he would play his guitar and sing to me…I read my journal entries from the past several months and I cry…I look at his picture…I still have the guitar pick he gave to me the first night we met…I think about the nights when he would instinctively drag me against him and hold me so tightly that I could not breathe…It seems all that I can do is cry.

It is so hard because this te around I live a thousand miles from home…away from my friends and away from him. I talked to one of my best friends from elementary school the other night and she made me feel a little better. All I can do right now is cry. I haven’t cried for a guy since my very first boyfriend. It hurts so much. I am fighting with myself to let him go. Some days I make it through okay and there are nights that seem to go on forever. I am holding onto the hope that he’ll come back to me. They say I will learn to forget but it hasn’t happened yet.

Tonight I am going out with a guy I met a couple weeks ago. I didn’t give him much thought when I met him because I was so into Wesley. He asked me out the day after the devastating conversation with Wesley. Honestly I only agreed to the date because I was so heartbroken. I’m going to try my best and give this guy a fair chance tonight. Hopefully going out with someone else will make it easier to forget Wesley. I just hope I don’t break down and cry.

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