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Relationship Health Message Board

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Hi there and welcome to the boards! I'm a fellow INTJ, and as we are a pretty particular, sometimes peculiar but very unique breed, I can totally understand where you are coming from and why you aren't all that satisfied with your girlfriend. The most important and attractive quality in a romantic partner from a highly intelligent INTJ's point of view is that they respect and be stimulated by their partner on an intellectual level, and it's clear that your girlfriend will never fulfill that desire for you. It really sounds like you are settling by being with her in almost every way, and although you've developed feelings for her, I don't think I'm going too far to say it would be the worst mistake of your life if you ignored your doubts and went ahead and moved in with her (to say nothing of marrying and having children with a woman like that!) We're talking about a woman who is essentially the antithesis of you, who has little to no ambition, intellectual interests, hobbies, meaningful pursuits, or goals in her life. As I said, I really think that for an INTJ, the ability to admire your partner as an intellectual equal is the single most important quality in a happy, stable long-term relationship, and there is just no way you can do that with this girl who seems to lack any intellectual curiousity whatsoever.

Not to be harsh, but as someone with an intellect and personality much like yours, your GF sounds like about the least appealing partner I could envision, and even if you don't consider yourself very attractive, trust me, you can still do a lot better than this girl. Please don't settle just because you don't believe you can easily find another girlfriend...there is nothing sexier to smart and interesting women than intelligence, ambition, and a wide range of interests. I was a child prodigy and have always been a huge nerd, but fortunately have also always been considered very attractive by a wide range of men, and believe me, nothing is sexier to me than a smart, intellectually curious guy like you. There are lots of beautiful women who are looking for a lot more than a good-looking many of us, a guy with all the great qualities you have to offer is infinitely more appealing than a handsome guy who isn't particularly bright, motivated, or high-achieving. Please trust me and believe me, you are selling yourself WAY short by staying with a lazy overweight girl who can't have orgasms and doesn't really want to sleep with you or experiment sexually. To be blunt, you are settling in the worst sense of the world by being with this woman, and while you have understandably become attached to her emotionally over time, some of the worst reasons ever to stay with someone is because you don't know how to dump her and because you're not sure if you'd be able to find another partner.

Like me, you crave and deserve a partner with a variety of interests and curiousities that rival the sheer number and scope of your own pursuits, and you should not have to compromise on someone whose intellect doesn't particularly impress or stimulate you, especially not someone with whom you understandably fear a bland future! If you're anything like me, other than intelligence, the other most important thing to me in a partner is that we be sexually compatible, which means we are equally uninhibited, open-minded, and experimental when it comes to sex. I absolutely love sex in all its infinite varities, and can't imagine spending my life with a man who (like you describe your girlfriend) wasn't interested in sexual experimentation, seemed pretty uptight and repressed in bed, and worst of all, couldn't/wouldn't enjoy sex and didn't have a strong desire to be with me frequently! That's absolutely depressing and abhorrent for me to even contemplate, and I get the impression that you place a similar importance on sex and are like me, an extremely sexually open person with a very strong drive for a large quantity and a wide variety of sexual experiences.

Anyway, I guarantee that you will only get more and more miserable and feel increasingly trapped the longer you stay with her. Please, please don't settle for someone who isn't even close to what you want in a partner--I mean you say the thing you have most in common is sex, but it doesn't even sound like your sex life is at all satisfying or enjoyable for you, so what in the world is keeping you with this woman?? Sorry, but I just can't imagine a person with a healthy, strong sex drive being happy with a repressed partner who didn't want or enjoy sex...I think she has nothing to offer you and that you should get out of this relationship as soon as possible. You may think you don't want to end the relationship because you don't want to be alone, but it sounds like you are feeling more and more smothered, bored, and unhappy with her. It's not fair to either of you to keep this relationship going when she isn't what you want and you'd be settling for someone who doesn't really appeal to you on any level by staying with her. Why deprive yourself and her of a chance to meet someone who you are really crazy about by prolonging the inevitable when you aren't even happy with her sexually? Please don't consider just putting up with her not to be one should ever have to settle that much and give up all the qualitiest they want in a partner. While it may seem distasteful to break up with her, it would truly be the biggest mistake of your life to move in with her, and you'd be subjecting yourself to a life of frustration, dissatisfaction, and misery if you marry her and have a family together. You can do SO much better, so please do yourself a huge favor and get out now before you regret the time you've spent with her for the rest of your life and miss out on opportunities to be with women who would truly stimulate and gratify you while settling for a dull, unsatisfying relationship. I really can't emphasize that strongly enough because I feel like we have SO much in common and I can completely understand how you are feeling...RUN!!
[QUOTE=Mario412]Knowledge Miner,

I don't want to be harsh but your personality might be as boring to her as hers is to you..I am not implying that you have got to give up your ambitions, but as long as the poor girl is doing nothing to stand in your way, this is all that you can hope for, you can't let people take an interest in computers because you do, or accept certain moral values because they are yours!
I am myself a doctor and I am working in the US, my is studying here too...I noticed that at times she just loses motivation because of other life pressures on us, not because she's not ambitious enough. I don't know if your girlfriend is the same. To be hobest with you mate you only look at the dark side of your relationship with her , which means that you DONT love her.
Eagles seems also to think that your GF is worthless of your love because she's "lazy", "overweight" "mentally unstimulating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, Eagles you are entitled to your opinion but I don't think that you should judge that she's a mismatch just because she's not a replica of him or YOU!
Good luck mate, and btw, my wife was also virgin and I never lost interest in her sexually, there was always something new to look forward to with her.[/QUOTE]

I tend to agree with Mario. It is glaringly obvious from your post how little respect, not to mention love, you have for your girlfriend. Differences alone don't necessarily stand in a way of a good relationship, but when you have so much contempt for these differences is where the problems arise.

As for the sexual part, it's hard to be objective, but from your description it sounds like the two of you had a good and frequent sex life until pretty recently, correct? So, perhaps your girlfriend has a feeling that you're just not in love with her and don't find her an interesting partner, and so in turn she's not turned on by you anymore? Just a speculation. Women are not very sexually attracted to men who act lukewarm about them. And sending her an article about women who are anorgasmic is pathetic to say the least. First of all, a lot of women are convinced they can't have an orgasm, while the reality is that they can, but they need a partner with whom they can feel completely at ease and who knows how to stimulate them. Every woman is very different from another, so your "practice" on ex-girfriends is close to useless in this matter. Of course, there is a small percentage of women who are truly unable to experience orgasm, but I don't see why it should be such a big deal, as long as they enjoy having sex with their partner and derive pleasure from it.

Anyway, yes, I also noticed that 99% of what you're saying about your girlfriend sounds contemptuous and negative. You are calling her the biggest mistake of your life, for god's sake--shouldn't that tell you something? Do this woman a favor and set her free so that she can hopefully find someone who finds her adorable and worthy of love. Not everyone has a love for computers and science fiction (very few women do, in fact) or extremely lofty career aspirations, and there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, she does work and support herself, no? Would you be happier with a female NASA scientist or a lawyer who has to work 16 hours a day? Either way, it's selfish to only be with her because you don't think you can do better, while calling her demeaning names behind her back.

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