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I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. I've been under a ton of pressure, because I left my husband of 5 years shortly after I met him, moved out on my own, lost a couple of jobs, because of stress and now moved again to move in with him. He actually first moved in to my small place in June.
Times have been rocky, but so far we're holding up. I genuinely love him and I think he does too, although at times he acts rather reserved. He says though, it's just the way he shows (or doesn't show) his love. Lately, he says though "his head isn't in the stars".
Anyway, back in July, when I thought things were looking up a little, I semi-accidentally discovered the password to his hotmail. There were some mails there from his ex, so I was curious and went in. I know I shouldn't have done that, but to my surprise, I discovered an email there from some new girl. The e-mail indicated that they have just met. He's never told me anything about that, so I got worried and confronted him about that.
He said he met her on the bus on his rides to work! She was smiling at him and started talking to him. He told me she was quite attractive and he liked her! ( my boyfriend can be painfully honest sometimes!) Also, she was saying that she's not doing good with her boyfriend and that she's "looking for someone". She seemed to have been interested in him. Allegedly, my boyfriend told her he has a girlfriend, but proceeded to give her his e-mail address to "keep in touch". The way I'm thinking, he thought "just in case... since she's interested in me".
I was very upset about this and he said he won't write her anymore. We spoke about this just a week ago and he said he hasn't been writing to her.
But yesterday I discovered that was a lie!
I had an intuitive feeling and tried the same password for his other mail. It worked. There, I found that he's been talking to this girl just a month after the first fiasco happened and just 2 weeks since we moved in!
He was asking for her number so that he can call her and set up a "clandestine randezvous". He was asking whether she'd prefer a cozy bar to a pub etc. Also he wrote that he will have to make up an excuse to meet her, so that I don't know about it.
She wrote back that she will have to make up an excuse too, as her boyfriend "woudn't bee too happy if he knew". This conversation ended a month ago with her phonenumbers, so who knows what's been going on since! Also, on Sep. 6, just after we came back from a beautiful vacation, where we seemed to be so in love, he transferred this conversation to a third e-mail address that I don't know the password to.
I wonder why he'd need to do that?! And why after such a beautiful time we had?!
Also, his ex has contacted him and he wrote her back that he'd be interested to catch up. I feel intimidated, because this ex he had mostly for sexual purposes and our sex has been sporadic lately. He told me, she used to be all over him and "eager". He said once "if I'll keep him saitisfied, he'll have no reason to cheat on me...".
[B]Please help! [/B] I'm tormented. I can't keep secrets too well and specially when I'm upset about something. Also, I don't want to keep any secrets from him, because I love him and I want to share everything with him. Anyway, he was the one that originally strongly initiated that we have no secrets and be honest with each other and now this! I want to confront him with all my heart, but at the same time I don't want him to know I snooped again. He was quite upset when I did it the first time. I know it's something I shoudn't do, but somehow I have a feeling he's doing stuff behind my back and this proves he is! I need to know what I'm dealing with.
He seems to be really loving with me physically, but doesn't do any of the little "love gestures". A few times now I've written him a love letter and everytime he seems to be unmoved, which hurts! Last time I wrote one I asked him what he though and he shrug his shoulder and said "I don't know". He said he needs to think about it... I don't think that is a reaction of someone being in love and just receiving a love letter from their loved one!
I'm confused and hurting! Also what really hurts is, that we've been arguing a lot about him not helping me ANYTHING with setting up our new place that needs a ton of work and now I know that instead of him focusing on that, he's been setting up dates etc.!
Please, tell me what I should do.
Thanks a bunch!
[QUOTE=moonstruckgrl]Well, I don't know if I'm being naive, but from what I've been talking to him, he's not a cheater type. He's told me he never cheated on his girlfriends, but that was a long time ago... He could've changed. From what I know, when he hooked up with me, he was with this "****-toy" girlfriend as he called her and immediatelly dumped her over me. He wasn't really in love with her and he seemed to have fallen in love with me and I thought since we moved in together and he's introduced me to his parents and all, it's serious. I'm not sure whether he's neccesarily sexually interested in this woman or just genuinely wants her as a friend. BUT, that first time when I confronted him about her, he was saying he had the opportunnity to cheat, but he chose not to, because he chose me. Well, that was then.... The first month after we moved in was pretty bad and I even suggested that we break up. I guess he was retaliating and therefore he contacted her. I just wish I knew what really happened. Just so that you guys know, I was so in love with him first, that I went ahead and took on an STD that he has - warts. It's not the end of the world, but I was quite depressed for some time about it afterward and I realised it's gonna be very hard for me if I wanted to find a new partner now that I'm "tarnished". But anyway, it's not that he's not trying to be affectionate with me. The lack of sex was initiated from my side, for some stressful issues we had. He came back from a short trip he went to and was so sweet to me and said he really missed me. I have no doubt about the fact that he does love me, but I know he's been reserved to some of my letters, takes me a bit for granted and of course the trust issue.... He's actually 5 years younger - only 24. He's not a sleep around type. He's only had about 5 sexual partners, but I always had this worry with him that one day he'll want to "explore more". I'm afraid that he might be afraid of settling down and seeking some excitement. Almost like a pre-midlife crisis. Those letters are no proof he has actually cheated. Don't you guys think I should wait it out till I have some valid proof of cheating?! On the other hand I consider lying as cheating as well! Yes, these are bad things, he's done, but I love him and I can't just freak out on him and leave! My question is, should I confront him about this, or shoould I wait, snoop a little more (although I hate doing that!) and see wheather I'd find something more "serious". I just don't know whether I'll be able to not say anything when I see him next. He's out of town now and I'll be seeing him Friday, so till them I have to figure this out! Thanks for your help![/QUOTE]

I hate to be so blunt, but I do think the letters you found are proof that he is cheating on you. If he only wanted to be friends with this girl, he wouldn't have insisted on meeting her privately and that they both lie to their significant others about their rendezvous. He's already admitted to you that he's physically attracted to her and that she's looking for someone to get involved with, and it's pretty clear that that person is him. Besides, if he wasn't cheating with her, why would he call it a "clandestine rendezvous" and why would he keep changing email addresses? If he only wanted to be friends, he wouldn't need to hide their relationship from you...again I don't like to say this, but I'm 99% sure he's having an affair with this girl and probably with his ex too. That's mostly because he is hiding his emails from you and lying to you about contacting these girls, but it's also because he isn't pushing to have sex with you regularly and because he told you off the bat he would find another woman to sleep with unless you satisfied his sexual needs. Men don't stop wanting to have sex with their girlfriends unless they are either unsatisfied in the relationship or cheating, and in this case, all the signs are there that he's being unfaithful: you're arguing a lot, he's lying to you about talking with other women, making plans to meet them behind your back, changing his email accounts and passwords repeatedly so you can't read his communications with these women, losing interest in sex and romance with you, saying he needs time to think about how he feels in response to your love letter, etc.

I bet anything that if you could get into his current email account, you would find emails to the girl from the bus and his ex proving that he is having sex with them, as sad as that is to say. I think it's great that you're loyal and trusting and want to believe the best of him, but I also think you're putting your health at risk by failing to heed the warning signs that he's sexually involved with at least one other woman. Of course, your BF is the one who really bears the responsibility for jeopardizing your health, but nonetheless I am very worried about you emotionally and physically, because if he has already caught one sexually transmitted disease, the chances are pretty good that he is not being careful about always using condoms. I really think you need to protect yourself by finding out what exactly is going on...as you said, the fact that he changed his email yet again after you gained access to his second account is a huge red flag that he has something to hide, and if I were you, I'd insist on him logging into his account and letting you check his emails immediately after you confront him, without giving him an opportunity to delete any incriminating messages. I can't urge you strongly enough to confront him and not ignore all the warning signs of an affair here, if for no other reason than your health being in potential jeopardy.

It's a shame that you need to confront him, but he has given you ample reason to be suspicious, and if he is not cheating, then he will understand your need to make sure of that in order to protect yourself. The only reason I can see why he would object to letting you see his messages is if he indeed is lying to you and being unfaithful. You NEED to confront him for the sake of your own emotional and physical well-being. He may be upset about your snooping, but I suspect that is only because he knows you have caught him sending incriminating messages to other women. Reading his email is not at all a big deal or a betrayal of trust when compared to betraying your trust, lying, and having potentially unsafe sex with other women. If he makes a big deal about your snooping and refuses to allow you to see his new email account, then you can be sure that he is unfortunately cheating, just as many signs suggest. I'm sorry to keep being suspicious of your boyfriend and reiterating the same points, but I am just really concerned about you being betrayed and jeopardized by his shady behavior.

I don't even think the main issue here is that his actions aren't those of someone who is in love, as other posters have highlighted, though I agree with their assessments. My primary concern is for your health and safety, and from everything I've heard, I'm afraid you need to find out once and for all whether or not your boyfriend is putting you at risk. Even if you discover that he isn't cheating currently, I still don't think you can or should trust this man not to betray you, judging from what you've described him saying and doing so far. Again, you're obviously a good-hearted and trusting person to believe that he's not the cheating type, but I'm afraid that you can't afford to take that on faith because of all the evidence suggesting he may be deceiving you. From the way he talks so rudely and disrespectfully about his ex-girlfriend and warned you that he'll cheat if you don't satisfy his sexual needs, it seems pretty clear that he doesn't respect women or understand the importance of being faithful and honest with his girlfriends. Your fears that he is not ready to settle down without experiencing sex with more women seem to be warranted by what he's said and done, and you need to put your own health before your fear of confronting him and demand firm answers as to whether or not he's cheating. I really hope that we are wrong about him being unfaithful, but either way, he doesn't sound like the kind of loving, trustworthy, caring, and respectful boyfriend a sweet girl like you deserves. I DEFINITELY don't think you should wait until you have more solid proof of an affair, because what you already know is extremely suspicious and risky. You need to protect yourself by confronting him ASAP and I strongly suggest that you also leave the relationship, regardless of how he responds to your questions about his fidelity. Unfortunately, this seems to be a pretty clearcut situation of a nice, trusting woman having a disrespectful, sleazy guy who doesn't appreciate all the love she has to offer taking advantage of her kind and understanding nature. Again, I hope I'm wrong about him cheating, but all the signs are there, and you need to find out for certain what is going on. Your snooping is not a big deal compared to what he may be doing, so please don't hesitate to confront him and demand answers at the first possible opportunity...good luck!!





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