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Relationship Health Message Board


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I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. I've been under a ton of pressure, because I left my husband of 5 years shortly after I met him, moved out on my own, lost a couple of jobs, because of stress and now moved again to move in with him. He actually first moved in to my small place in June.
Times have been rocky, but so far we're holding up. I genuinely love him and I think he does too, although at times he acts rather reserved. He says though, it's just the way he shows (or doesn't show) his love. Lately, he says though "his head isn't in the stars".
Anyway, back in July, when I thought things were looking up a little, I semi-accidentally discovered the password to his hotmail. There were some mails there from his ex, so I was curious and went in. I know I shouldn't have done that, but to my surprise, I discovered an email there from some new girl. The e-mail indicated that they have just met. He's never told me anything about that, so I got worried and confronted him about that.
He said he met her on the bus on his rides to work! She was smiling at him and started talking to him. He told me she was quite attractive and he liked her! ( my boyfriend can be painfully honest sometimes!) Also, she was saying that she's not doing good with her boyfriend and that she's "looking for someone". She seemed to have been interested in him. Allegedly, my boyfriend told her he has a girlfriend, but proceeded to give her his e-mail address to "keep in touch". The way I'm thinking, he thought "just in case... since she's interested in me".
I was very upset about this and he said he won't write her anymore. We spoke about this just a week ago and he said he hasn't been writing to her.
But yesterday I discovered that was a lie!
I had an intuitive feeling and tried the same password for his other mail. It worked. There, I found that he's been talking to this girl just a month after the first fiasco happened and just 2 weeks since we moved in!
He was asking for her number so that he can call her and set up a "clandestine randezvous". He was asking whether she'd prefer a cozy bar to a pub etc. Also he wrote that he will have to make up an excuse to meet her, so that I don't know about it.
She wrote back that she will have to make up an excuse too, as her boyfriend "woudn't bee too happy if he knew". This conversation ended a month ago with her phonenumbers, so who knows what's been going on since! Also, on Sep. 6, just after we came back from a beautiful vacation, where we seemed to be so in love, he transferred this conversation to a third e-mail address that I don't know the password to.
I wonder why he'd need to do that?! And why after such a beautiful time we had?!
Also, his ex has contacted him and he wrote her back that he'd be interested to catch up. I feel intimidated, because this ex he had mostly for sexual purposes and our sex has been sporadic lately. He told me, she used to be all over him and "eager". He said once "if I'll keep him saitisfied, he'll have no reason to cheat on me...".
[B]Please help! [/B] I'm tormented. I can't keep secrets too well and specially when I'm upset about something. Also, I don't want to keep any secrets from him, because I love him and I want to share everything with him. Anyway, he was the one that originally strongly initiated that we have no secrets and be honest with each other and now this! I want to confront him with all my heart, but at the same time I don't want him to know I snooped again. He was quite upset when I did it the first time. I know it's something I shoudn't do, but somehow I have a feeling he's doing stuff behind my back and this proves he is! I need to know what I'm dealing with.
He seems to be really loving with me physically, but doesn't do any of the little "love gestures". A few times now I've written him a love letter and everytime he seems to be unmoved, which hurts! Last time I wrote one I asked him what he though and he shrug his shoulder and said "I don't know". He said he needs to think about it... I don't think that is a reaction of someone being in love and just receiving a love letter from their loved one!
I'm confused and hurting! Also what really hurts is, that we've been arguing a lot about him not helping me ANYTHING with setting up our new place that needs a ton of work and now I know that instead of him focusing on that, he's been setting up dates etc.!
Please, tell me what I should do.
Thanks a bunch!
It seems to me like you're worried about a minor issue rather than the main problem here--your primary concern seems to be that you don't want to upset him or make him angry by admitting you snooped, when if I was you, I'd be much more disturbed by the fact that you have discovered your boyfriend making plans for a clandestine meeting with another woman he's interested in sexually. It almost sounds like you haven't fully accepted what's going on with him by the way you ask why he'd talk to her after your vacation and why he'd change his email and reestablish contact with his ex. I'm sorry to say, but I think the answers to these questions are pretty obvious, unfortunately...I'm afraid it's clear that he's been making plans to cheat on you, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he is cheating on you already. I can't believe he would have the audacity to tell you that he'd cheat if you didn't keep him sexually satisfied! He should be faithful to you because he loves you and because you live together, with absolutely no strings attached! It's totally disrespectful for anyone to make those sort of threats to their partner, and even harsher of him to follow through on them.

Anyway, I'd say that judging by the fact that he isn't having regular or frequent sex with you or showing any interest in romance or affection, your relationship is effectively over, and even though it hurts, it's probably for the best that you snooped and found out about his lying and betrayals when you did. It sounds like otherwise, you might still be giving him the benefit of the doubt despite some of the suspicious signals and signs he's been displaying. I'm really sorry to say this, but you need to stop worrying about keeping secrets from him and having snooped, because you have much more serious problems on your hands. You say you need to know what you're dealing with as if you're not sure if he's actually being unfaithful, but from every indication, I think you have to assume he's definitely cheating. So I'd say you really need to confront him, but not just to apologize for snooping and keeping secrets, but instead to finally get some honest answers about his involvement with other women. I'm sorry you are going through another relationship trauma so soon after your divorce, but I'm afraid you deserve a lot better, more honest and respectful treatment than this man is showing you. I think you should take GE's advice and break up with him immediately, unless you are willing to stay in a relationship with a man who is sleeping with other women behind your back and lying to you about it (and potentially risking your health by doing so, as who knows if he is being careful or what the other women are up to). I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I do think you need to face up to what's going on here and decide how you want to proceed now that you have an overwhelmingly convincing preponderence of evidence that he is being unfaithful. I wish you the best of luck getting this resolved and getting on with your life...I think you deserve a lot better than you are getting now, and perhaps some time on your own would help you to build up your self-esteem again and realize that you deserve nothing less than a man who consistently respects you, adores you, and never fails to be honest and faithful to you.





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