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Hello all~

It's been a little while since i've been on the boards. I've been pretty busy, I got a new job and recently started attending community college after work, phew!

I had a little incident happen today beteween my boyfriend. I'm not sure If anyone remembers me from any of my posts in the past, so I guess I'll make a long story short...

My boyfriend has been depressed for as long as I've known him. His depression is always there but not always in full force. So he and I have been together for 11 years, as of yesterday in fact. Let me back up...
Earlier this year, certian events in our relationship made us decide that maybe it was best if we lived seperately, after living together for almost a decade. He hurt me pretty bad, my heart I mean. We realized that a lot of it had to do with his depression and at that point I decided that I wasn't going to just abandon him at such a fragile point in his life and so I took him back. But now this was after finding other living arrangements and signing leases of course. So we've been back together but still living seperately for about a year now. I have a roomate living in a small apartment and he moved in with a family member (rent free).

So my lease is going to be up in a couple months and the subject came up weather or not we should move back in together. At first I wanted to and so I asked him if he did too. The only thing that he worried about was if he would be able to afford it. I found this completely baffling because he is making very decent wages and living rent free I would expect him to be able to have his finances under control, yet he always seemed to be broke.../shrug.

So we discussed it and decided that maybe it was a good idea if he stayed with the family member and I renewed my lease with my roommate that it would give us both opportunity to save some money for a place together. Which was kind of something I did for him because I wanted him to feel comfortable.

But then the next few days he was acting really jelous, like I "chose" my roomate over him, and he was making it clear that he DID want to move out with me and that he really could afford to move out. At the same time my roomates sister needs to move out of a different bad familty situation and wanted to live with her sister (my roomate). I'll admit it, I would not like to live with my roomates sister, I could see her and I clashing.

So I came to my boyfriend today and told him about my roomate moving out with her sister (which they have completely invited me to live with them if i want to) and I asked him if he wanted to start looking for places. He knows how I feel about my roomates sister and he agrees that it would probably not work out well with the 3 of us girl living together. He asked me how much I could pay and I told him.

Then this is what made me so mad...
I asked him if he wanted to look for places together and he said that he didn't want to say yes until he knew for sure that money would be ok. What pisses me off is that we both do pretty good wages wise, on top of that, he's paid a huge part of his debt down since living rent free. And I have been making it on my own this whole time. We can clearly make it ok living together, so what's his deal I wonder? Plus I kinda feel like he's being very selfish, we both started out with pretty heavy debt and his is almost all paid and mine is still high because I've been paying my own way...Plus he knows I really don't want to live with my roomates sister but I will if I have to.

He is such an only child sometimes, just thinking about himself. If the tables were turned I would be thrilled that we could move back in together. I would tell him that we would MAKE it work. It makes me wonder, if I think things are ok now and he doesn't, will he ever think they will be, or is there always going to be one more reason to put things off

Maybe I'm being too sensitive..

Anyone who's read any of my other posts know there's been a lot of turmoil in our relationship lately...I would think he would jump at the idea to have us back living together...after what his a$$ did....grrr. It makes me wonder if I even really want to move back in, if it's going to be like that. If maybe I should take this as a sign of more selfishness. Maybe I'm just doomed to always having to feel like this because I chose to take him back, luv sux sometimes.

frusterated_in_sd
Can you tell us how he is coping with his depression these days, as you mentioned on your other thread? Has he been willing to seek help and work to rebuild the trust in your relationship? It definitely sounds like he has a lot to make up to in order to prove that he'll do anything he can to get your relationship back on track and that he should be jumping at the opportunity to live together again and show you how much he cares. If he hasn't made a significant, concerted, and consistent effort to make up for betraying you, and especially if he's been acting selfish and immature about other issues, then I really think that you should end the relationship and find a man who fully appreciates and reciprocates all the love you have to give. I'm hesitant to suggest walking away from such a long relationship considering all you've invested, but it sounds like you deserve a lot better and are doing more than your share of the work and compromise necessary to keep your relationship alive. Also, your other post said he was the one who initially wanted to live apart and now he's resisting the idea of getting back together? That seems wrong to me, as I think he should take every opportunity to repair your trust and demonstrate his love and devotion to you. He should be crawling on his knees, begging your forgiveness and worshipping your kindness and understanding in overlooking his betrayal and giving him another chance, not being selfish and stingy.

I really, truly think you deserve a lot better than your boyfriend is giving you...you deserve a man you can trust to be honest and faithful, who wants to be with you every chance he gets, who is generous and unselfish when it comes to sharing his life with you, who will take responsibility for his problems and seek help when he needs it, and who is mature and disciplined enough to hold a steady job and make enough money to pay his own bills and live on his own. You had to catch him cheating, right--he didn't admit it on his own, so do you trust him not to do it again? After ten years I would be deeply concerned that my boyfriend still seemed unenthusiastic and reticent to live with me and have to pay his share of the household expenses...I'm sorry if I'm jumping to any false conclusions here, but my instincts tell me that you deserve a guy who will treat you a lot better than your current boyfriend has, is, (and in all likelihood) will. You seem like a great woman with a lot to offer, but the same doesn't seem to be true of your boyfriend. :confused: Do you think you deserve better? After everything you have done and forgiven, it just seems like your boyfriend should be a lot more grateful and making a lot more of an effort to make it all up to you and give you just as much love, support, and unselfish devotion as you've given him all along. You've been willing to excuse so much, yet he hasn't demonstrated hardly any effort to show you that same kind of unselfish, accepting love...it just sounds like you are in an unequal relationship where you are giving a lot more than you are receiving. What would you tell another woman seeking advice who was in the exact same situation as you are?





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