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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


I don't think you can post attachments or links, but you can type the text of her note in if it's not too long. OK, well that helps but also makes things more complicated. I'll give you my opinion but please keep in mind that it's only my opinion based on limited information and what really matters is how you feel deep down and what you think is in your best interests, as well as how she feels toward you, of course. But that said, based on the details you've added, here is how I see it, starting with the negatives. First of all, she has a boyfriend now, and no matter what she says about not being happy, she's still with him, so that's problematic though not an insurmountable obstacle necessarily. Second of all, she's the one who technically did the breaking up, so she needs to be committed to not only liking you again as more than a friend, but also rekindling the relationship. Third, it always makes things more complicated and confusing when a third party gets involved in passing messages between two potential partners. It sounds like her mom really likes you and would like to see you guys get back together, which is definitely good for you, but it also raises the possibility that her mom might be putting an extra positive spin or exaggerating to some degree in order to try and play matchmaker and speed the reconciliation process along. The other issue is that what you see as flirting or signs that she wants to reconcile could potentially be your interpretation of things but not necessarily how she intends to be acting...I tend to be really affectionate with guys, particularly my close friends and exes, and since girls don't necessarily only be friends with guys they want to get with, it's led to some misunderstandings. There have been numerous instances where a guy took me liking him and being what I consider friendly and affectionate (and what he considers flirty and giving off signals that I want something more than a friendship with him) in the wrong way. That's why I think it's so important to talk to her and make sure you are both viewing things in the same way before you make any assumptions or proceed further.

Now there are also some really good signs here, so I think at this point you need to think through carefully how you'd like to ideally proceed from now on. Keep in mind that you cannot change her, only alter your behavior and hope she reacts differently, but you can't count on her being any different than she is now and how she was back when you were together. So if you only want to get together again contingent on her changing, you need to be honest with yourself and her about that, otherwise it's not really fair to proceed with her under the assumption you want to pick up where you left off (which is what I'd assume if an ex asked me to reconcile unless he specifically and explicitly told me differently). OK, so all that said, I don't mean to sound as negative and pessimistic as I probably came across as...I tend to evaluate situations as objectively and dispassionately as possible, and look at something from every angle before taking action or letting emotions affect my judgment, and this is the approach I take when advising others as well. What this all boils down to in my view is that if you decide to give reconciling a shot, you really need to have a conversation with her about where you're coming from. I would sit her down sometime when you are hanging out, relaxed, and having fun and ask her if you can be honest with her and get some things off your chest. Then I'd tell her that since you've started hanging out with her again, you've realized that while your friendship with her means more than anything, you'd also be interested in giving your relationship another shot. Make sure you emphasize that you will love her and care for her and that your relationship won't change if she doesn't decide to pursue things so she doesn't think you're giving her an ultimatum. How you approach this could make a big difference in how she reacts, so you need to be really careful about what you say and more importantly, what you don't say, or you risk blowing it just because you got carried away, overly emotional, or made assumptions that she takes as an affront. You obviously want to be sincere, but avoid being too passionate or emotional while you are explaining the way you feel. Here's what to avoid at all costs: don't mention her boyfriend unless she brings it up, and don't presume to tell her she's unhappy or that he's not right for her. If she mentions her boyfriend, tell her that you understand her situation and don't want to put any pressure on her, but that it's important that she understand how you feel and know you would really like if she'd give your relationship another chance. Make sure you emphasize that there are no strings attached to your disclosure, that you're not expecting or demanding anything from her, that you love her and care for her no matter what, and that you want to remain friends with her no matter what she decides. Make sure she appreciates that you understand that there were problems before that need to be addressed and hopefully resolved before you move forward again, but that in your opinion, it's worth the effort and you are willing to do whatever it takes to give your relationship the best possible odds of success. Don't tell her that you can tell she feels the same way or let on that you're presuming her behavior toward you is flirting or anything more than platonic friendliness. This could backfire because you might seem a bit arrogant and offend her...women don't like it when men assume that we want them, even if we do. Especially since she's dating someone else, she could very well be offended by any suggestion on your part that she's been sending romantic signals your way. I think that about covers it as far as I can see at this point...again, if you do want to give her another chance, I think you need to stop letting her mom interfere and be in the middle and talk to your ex face to face somewhere private. If you don't want to proceed at this point, then I would just continue being a good friend to her and see how things go. If you handle this carefully and tactfully, I don't think you have much to lose, other than the chance she'll say no, but you should still be good friends and won't be any worse off than you are now. Good luck no matter what you decide and please let us know how it goes!
Her mother shouldnt be giving you any form of a "boost" her daughter is dating another guy and is breaking her daughters trust by telling you what he daugther tells her. I personally would be upset with my mother if she was telling an old boyfriend who is still a friend of mine that I still like him and to keep trying and keep your hopes up.

That is one of my biggest pet peevs is parents getting tooooo involved with their kids relationships. She isnt the one that dated you she shouldnt be telling you anything.

She asked you to Your senior prom? Isnt it suppose to be YOU asking HER to go. I think she's asking you ahead of time so she can go to an event that she otherwise sholdnt be involved it. Ontop of things it sounds like she wants the best of both worlds.

She is 15, she's still immature and doesnt know how or what she wants in a real relationship. The best thing you can do is stop seeing as much of her as you are and avoid speaking of her or about her with her mother. Because in all honesty what her mother is doing is very inaporpriate! She is giving you false hopes.

Why dont you find yourself a new girlfriend? She isnt holding back why should you?
She's asking to sleep at your house!! Lazer, I dont know how long you plan on being hurt but this girl is really pushing for the long run. You need to tell her what she is doing to you and exactly HOW it is making you feel inside and out! She is breaking your heart and doesnt seem to care.

Just like stacy mentioned and I have mentioned in the past, you need and must stop spending as much time with her. Start weening yourself from her, start hanging out with your friends more, put her on the back burner. Do NOT make it a point to see her, talk to her or spend time with her. Start limiting your contact. If you dont do this your not going to get over her for quite some time.

Do you want to be hurting all of the time? Do you want your stomach in knots? Ask her she feels about doing this to you. She has already told you "dont wait around for me" this in girl terms, coming from a girl translates to: I dont like you and I dont want to be your girlfirend. So take that as a hint and stop now.

Your making yourself depressed because she's a tease. This doesnt make her mature this makes her selfish. She is getting what she wants, a boyfriend and a guy that is a best friend who she can cry with and share time with. You are her version of a female best friend. She should be crying on her girlfriends shoulder not yours. She shouldnt be spending time with you like she is your girlfriend when she is not.

You will always be in this state of mind and feeling if you continue on with her the way you are. She should know what she is doing to you. She knows your like her, girls can tell when boys like them, so she knows. She is taking complete advantage of the situation right now and you are allowing her to do so.

This is all I can continue to tell you Lazer. She is no good, she is bad news, she treats you bad and has no respect for you like a real friend should. Please I beg you start doing your own thing without her. This is the best thing for you right now. IF she asks to sleep over you tell her "no i have other plans tonight" if she needs a shoulder to cry on again tell her, "im sorry I cant do this anymore, your torture is my torture too"

This is all the advice I can give you Lazer, if your not going to take it then you are going to continue to sit around and wonder "why do i like her still???" Answer: because you spend all the time you can with her!!! "Will we date again??" Answer: NO she takes advantage of you and treats you like no friend should be treated, she's a lost cause. "What can I do to get over her???: Answer: LIMIT your contact with her. Starting now, slowly let it go....if you dont you can and will sit around feeling this way!

goodluck





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