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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi everyone,

As some of you know, I've been dating online for about six months now, minus a few months when I dated one guy exclusively. I'm not looking to get involved with anything serious right now, just to date and meet a lot of different guys. Even if I come across someone who absolutely blows me away, I don't want to date him exclusively until I've gotten to know him quite well, because I'm having a good time dating around and also because I've tended to bounce from one serious relationship to the next ever since I started dating, without much time in between to be single and free to have fun. So with that said, there are two guys I could really use some advice about. One guy I've had two dates with, the last one being tonight, and they both went pretty well...I think he's cute, intelligent, and interesting. I'm not head over heels for him or anything, but it's only been a few dates, but we do have really stimulating conversations and he seems like a genuine, sweet guy. Anyway, when I got home tonight, I had an email from him that said this:

So, I've had a good time with you so far, but I have a little trouble reading you, so I guess I'll just ask where we're things are at. So, where are things at?

I wrote back that I'd had a good time too and would like to keep getting to know him better, but I wasn't sure what to think of his message. Do you guys have any insight as to what he was getting at and what this means? I've hit it off pretty well with most of the guys I've met, but I've been a little turned off that a lot of them were really eager to get physical and put pressure on me to spend long stretches of time, particularly at night :rolleyes: with them. I don't know if this guy is asking me this because he's wondering why I'm not all over him, if he can't tell if I like him, or what...I guess time will tell and I'll see how he responds. I tried to be friendly and encouraging in my reply, but I'd be okay either way, whether or not he wants to keep dating.

The other guy I have questions about is someone I've been chatting with frequently over email, but have yet to actually meet. He's really cute and we seem to have a lot in common, but I'm not sure if I want to get involved with him. He seems to be really interested in me, but is maybe a bit too eager for my tastes...I think persistence is great in moderation, but I don't know when it becomes too much, you know? After exchanging a few emails, I told him I wasn't sure if we'd be a good match because he seemed a little religious for my tastes (I'm very turned off by men who don't reject religion), especially because he mentioned that he was concerned that being religious and attractive, I posed a risk of being unfaithful. I was definitely turned off by that assumption (as well as the ignorance he displayed in associating religion with integrity), so I didn't reply. He then wrote again apologizing for what he said, saying that he regretted it, and asking me to consider giving him another shot. Since he had a lot of appealing qualities and I believe in second chances, I said OK, and we talked a bit more. I like to meet guys I chat with online within a week or two to see if there's enough chemistry to warrant further communication, so we've been talking about getting together in person. Lately I've started double and triple booking dates to save time and be efficient about getting ready and commuting to meet guys--I also think it's best to keep first dates short and sweet if they go well and just plain short if they don't. So I suggested that he meet me for a drink tomorrow night an hour or so before I have a late dinner planned, and this is what he wrote back--can you please give me some advice on how you think I should respond and proceed with him from here on out? He doesn't have my phone number, as I hate talking on the phone and avoid giving it out whenever possible.

Hey Stacy,
I would love to meet up with you, but I was hoping to make it an interesting date, some type of activity, and I don't really want to put a deadline on it so to speak, where we could be having a blast and it could be like 730 and we would have to cut the fun short way too early, so I guess I would rather it be on a night where we don't have to do that and can just enjoy having all night and naturally if it doesn't work out, we would call it a night early! But I think you and I just might be surprised with how much we enjoy each others company! Just a hunch! Plus almost all of my match dates started by meeting for a drink, and with you I would prefer to make it a little more memorable...you know just in case things go far for us! I'm off to take that personality test you mentioned in your profile and linked for me. oh and I loved what I read about your personality type and also how great you look in your new pictures! Call me anytime and hopefully we can set something up soon!
Hey Stacy! I just wanted to quickly give you my support in your decision to start dating in the way that you are: short dates, several in one night. It makes things quite efficient! But I do need to give you a quick warning as well, and it's only because I'm the romantic, dreamer-type and these are the things I think of... Don't let this de-sensitize you. Hard to explain. Don't allow yourself to start thinking of dating in superficial terms. Keep your heart and mind always open to the one moment in time when you meet HIM and your life just changes- just like that. I wouldn't want you to experience such an incredible thing and then have to cut things short because of other dates! Just remember that if it happens, and you meet HIM, instantly jump out of your dating routine.
Okay, now on to the new guys. The first thing I thought of in regards to both of them is that they are not dating in the same way you are. They aren't double-booking and going on 3 dates a night. They have more invested in you, if that makes any sense. And there's nothing wrong with either approach! To you, they are just 2 "candidates" or "possibilities". You are not thinking in serious terms about them, and they could be thinking that way about you. It's important for you to decide if you'd like to pursue something with either of them. It sounds to me like the second guy isn't really your type, with all the religious qualities and all. If you only have a slight amount of interest in them, then you should go ahead and let them know that you're dating on a very casual basis right now and just getting to know people and you're not ready to give them any kind of exclusivity in dating. Because that's what it sounds like they are looking for. They're wondering what's going on between you and them. They want to know if you are interested in more. The thing is, if you ARE interested in more with one of them, then I would hold of on telling them you are dating several different guys on a casual basis right now. That would drive them away almost instantly. Men don't like competition, nor do they like being intimidated by women. They will most likely back off from you. So like I said, if you don't mind them backing off then tell them all this. If you want one (or both) to stick around... well then you've got to let them know that you are definitely interested and you'd like to go out again. As far as identifying "what's going on", explain to them that you're in the process of figuring that out! And that's why you'd like to see them again. It's not enough to scare them away, but enough to keep them intrigued until you decide how you feel about them.
Good luck with the dating!
First of all, congrats in getting so many dates lined up and getting out there mixing it up! As for the first guy, I think you should just come out and ask him "what exactly do you mean by "where we're at?"" I mean, aside from the bad grammar, :D it could mean anything from "I really like you and would like to know if you like me too" to "I'm ready to get la**, how 'bout you?" It's a pity men are just narutally soooooo bad at expressing their feelings and what they mean. It's up to us to clarify, so I'd just ask him, and then give him an honest answer.

As for the second guy, if you go to lengths to avoid men with strong religious feelings, I'd be very wary of him and getting in too deep. He may have apologized for what he said, but it never would have even popped into his head if his general philosophy didn't bend that way.

Sophia, I'm sorry you've got such a sticky wicket to deal with! :o :eek: Guys do seem to sometimes have a hard time reading situations and using their intuition. I met this guy at an open mike once, and he said he had new recording equipment he wanted to use and would be glad to record some demos so we talked on the phone a few times, exchanged a few emails, totally professional and platonic. I went to his house and did some recording, still very professional and platonic, then he asked to meet for dinner to discuss a future project. I was so under the impression it would be for professional reasons I brought a note pad with me! But we didn't discuss business at all, and he asked me what city I lived in, one city or the neighboring one, which I thought was a little odd, but I answered, only to find half a dozen yellow roses delivered to my house on my birthday! If I had been hot for him I would have been thrilled. Unfortunately I had no feelings for him so I was freaked out. I had to make it clear at least three more times I had no romantic interest in him. He never really got the picture. You may have to hit this guy on the head, but I'm pretty sure he won't leave you alone until you deal with him on some level. Next time he calls, or you might even want to call him, and just tell him thank you for the call, but I just don't think we were a good match. I've decided to continue with the service and continue my search, thank you and good luck. I just hope you don't have to tell him more than once. Hope it turns out ok for you!
It's usually a turn off for me when a guy likes me instantly! It just doesn't seem real. How could someone be that crazy about you when he barely knows you?

I've been having a similar situation with one of the Mike's that I went out with. He is the one that took me to the beach and as soon as we got to a place called "21", I started dancing with other people and flirting. I sent him a short email to apologize and he's been sending me e-cards ever since. He wanted to know if we could stay friends. And, he really has been a nice friend. I told him I just didn't think I had (or could have) romantic feelings for him. He stopped emailing for awhile, and now I just got another e-card. He doesn't call a lot or anything, just emails! Anway, I think I might see him one more time just to make sure something couldn't develop. He's been so sweet and he's around my age and fairly attractive.

I think when you don't like a guy that you should let him know. I usually email them. Otherwise, they keep bothering you, and besides, it's only fair to let them know where they stand.

I'm going home from Dallas today. The storm did not hit Houston as predicted. Some power went out, but not that much.

I haven't been getting many replies lately to my ad, so I haven't really met anyone new for awhile. I know it's my age. When I was younger, I got a lot more emails. Oh, well! If I ever do meet Mr. Right, itwill be a pleasant surprise. In the meantime, I am having fun with my single life.
Hmm, now I'm not quite so sure if I wasn't too quick to judge these guys when I wrote earlier today based on what they've done and said since then. Maybe I was a little hasty--what do you all think? Both guys have pleasantly surprised me to some degree, particularly the guy I've seen twice who seems pretty promising. Now that he responded again in more detail, I don't think he was being crude or impatient after all, it's just that he's seen a more reserved and quiet side of me than I usually show on dates. Anyway, while I was thrown by his "where are we at" email, I got another message today from him that said:

"I like you a lot and have had a really good time getting to know you. I think you are very beautiful and tremendously intelligent, which is really great, and I really enjoy hearing your thoughts on things. So yeah, I would like to see you again, but I guess I have a little concern about the fact that maybe since we are both pretty introverted by nature, that maybe that could be a problem. I guess I have been thinking about past relationships I've had and I think that has been a pretty big issue in the past for me, in the sense that I need someone who is pretty direct in communication because it's not really my strong point. What are your thoughts?"

I can see where he's coming from on this, and I can also see how he's had a tougher time reading me than most guys because I've tended to be pretty laidback and not too aggressive around him. I actually think it's a good sign when I'm relaxed around a guy, and I definitely know that I am a lot more direct, blunt, and forthright about my feelings than I have been with him so far while we've been feeling each other out. So I think I'd like to respond and thank him for being honest with me and also try to explain that I'm generally more outspoken than I've been around him, and therefore I don't think he has any reason to be concerned that we'll both take a reserved and not particularly assertive stance toward communicating. What do you all think of that idea? The second guy is less impressive overall so far, particularly since I've been chatting with a number of other men lately who seem like a better fit. Still, because he's so good looking and persistant, I'm kind of tempted to at least meet him once...I can't decide what to do. He might be too traditional and overbearing for me, but on the other hand I try to avoid snapping to judgment, and he's been pretty open-minded (about everything but the cheating comment) thus far, which is a plus in my book. I gave him my phone number and he called twice already today AND wrote me an email, so who knows if that's good or bad, as I haven't yet gotten around to checking my messages today. While I'm trying to be better, I am still definitely a procrastinator extraordinare when it comes to returning messages once they start pilling up and seeming daunting or overwhelming.

I guess when it rains it pours, and while I'm definitely not complaining about having too many guys contacting me, if I don't want to spend a huge chunk of my time emailing, on the phone, or on in-person dates, I'm going to need to be more discriminating about weeding out guys who don't seem like that good prospects. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what hints I can look for in their profiles that might help me figure out who is worth meeting and who isn't? Right now there are four guys who stick in my mind as impressive prospects, so I'll stick with them for now and see what happens with the other two guys I've mentioned in previous posts on this thread. One of the four new guys went to my college and is super hot and really smart...he seems like he could be a great match for me, based on our emails and phone conversations, though I'm trying not to get too excited which always backfires. But I'm definitely going to see him one night this week, along with are a few other guys with whom I have tenative dates set up over the next couple of days. Other than that everyone else is blurring together in my mind, so I really need to go through my emails and try to get my head cleared out and stay on top of everything. I definitely could use more of your wise input, but at this point I'm still not clear enough on everything myself to present a coherent request for advice. But any advice on how to proceed with the two guys I asked about originally, or advice about how to gauge whether a man might be worth meeting based on his profile and emails, would be greatly appreciated. You have all really helped make online dating a lot more fun, pleasant, and streamlined for me than it'd be otherwise...again I appreciate everything so much and can't thank you enough! And I'd love to hear how dating is going for the rest of you, so please please please don't hesitate to fill us in on this thread, ok everyone? I hope you all had happy weekends and wish you all the best as always :). Thanks again!!





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