It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


My husband comes from a semi-strict Catholic family, his father being the most devoted and a wonderful wonderful man died in June and has since left my husband lost and questioning his faith. When I met my husband he would say he was Catholic but he rarely went to church and wasn't as devoted as he would of liked to be. I on the other hand come from a family of multiple beliefs and I was raised to find my own belief and to respect other people's beliefs. To make a long story short we ended up having a beautiful boy and we got married and the whole time we agreed that we will always find the center of our beliefs and we will raise our son to know what both of us belief and to let him find his path when he is older.

Anyway since my FIL died my husband was "lost" and seemed to sink into a deeper hole. I've been trying to encourage him to go to a priest, but a priest who won't criticize or make him feel worse than he was but someone who would listen with an open heart and spirit. I've always encouraged him to seek faith for himself and that eventually he will find his way. Well yesterday he found it and called me up from work to tell me. I was happy, really I was so happy that he found his path and that I know it will help him shape his life better, but he made a request that is now our major test in our marriage. He doesn't want to use any form of birth control at all and I on the other hand want to. In the future I want another baby, but right not I'm not mentally, physcially or we aren't financially stable to have another child just yet. Both of us are just beginning our college career, he is 30 and is going for Criminal Justice so he is starting late. I on the other hand am 22 and I just started back last semester. Our son is my life and when he was concieved I really really really wanted a baby, my maternal instincts were through the roof and I need that part of my life fullfilled. I've always believed and it had nothing to do with religion so to speak, but I believed that it was my true signal to have children and that I would always jump upon that. But after my son I really took a hard dive on myself, I gained alot of weight, I hated my body and I felt that I'm really not ready to do that again and that when the time comes the signal will be there, plus I'm still finding out who I am and trying to clear my own spiritual path. I refused taking birth control because it really screwed my system up and made me sick and is the result of me not being able to lose any weight. I told my husband that I want another baby when I get myself down to a better healthy weight and when I am at least finished with my associates degree which will hopefully be within the next two years, plus I would like us to have a little more financial security.

Anyway, since this has happened which was only last night but it seems like forever, I've obtained such a cold shoulder around him. The rest of last night and the beginning of this morning I literally couldn't be around him, I couldn't touch and kiss him because in my head I'm hearing, if you don't want another baby you better not kiss. This is our agrument, my husband says it will either break us up or make us closer and I love him too much to let something like this break us up but I wish I could find a way to where both of us are happy. I'm being cold now cause that is the only way I could defend myself and I really don't know how to be around him, there is alot of things about him that I'm scared will change and those are the things I absolutely love. He is telling me that it is a mortal sin to cast his seed to the ground that its fornification, but I believe that it isn't. I believe that sex is a wonderful wonderful thing if performed by a married couple who loves each other deeply and not someone who cheats or who just uses others for sexual pleasure. But I also believe that people shouldn't "breed" as many children as possible but to have children when their hearts and souls are ready to make a beautiful being of both of them.
I was never one to think sex was everything, honestly its not to me just the icing on the cake and its more about the emotional relationship than anything, but still I love making love to him and now it seems that it will only become a ritual when we want children instead of a ritual when we want to be closer and to physically show our love.
Perhaps I'm in the wrong, perhaps I'm not. I feel I'm right and he feels he is right so my only plan is to try to find the middle yet I'm not seeing none. I see either I go on his side or he goes on mine and I'm so scared.
Does anyone have any advice on what I should do, I don't want to trick or convience him to change that isn't who I am and I know he wouldn't do that to me if I was in the position, but I would like to find a way for both of us to be happy and to turn this experience into a happy one instead of something that will destroy us.
[QUOTE=LadyoftheLake] I couldn't touch and kiss him because in my head I'm hearing, if you don't want another baby you better not kiss. This is our agrument, my husband says it will either break us up or make us closer and I love him too much to let something like this break us up but I wish I could find a way to where both of us are happy. I'm being cold now cause that is the only way I could defend myself and I really don't know how to be around him, there is alot of things about him that I'm scared will change and those are the things I absolutely love.[/QUOTE] Wow, Lady....I can certainly understand how tormented you feel and you and your husband [B]must[/B] come to some sort of compromise. I am Catholic myself and must agree that not all Cahtolics agree with the churches views on birth control. I agree with the posters who suggest you meet with a younger priest who can help guide you to a compromise. The Catholic church is all for preserving the sanctity of marriage...it is an institution in which we serve God in the form of family. Certainly the church will be supportive of your family at this time and advise you accordingly. To leave your marriage is not the solution that the church sees for you or that you see for yourselves. That is why you should go to see a priest to gather a better understanding of the churches views on birth control.

With all due respect, I must disagree with Stacy in regard to some of her advice to you. The church is very clear that sex is a gift to be shared between married couples not just at certain times but at all times as an expression of love & unity. Your husband spoke to a priest who so obviously did not provide him with a contemporary version of the churches views on sex and the natural forms of birth control available. There is the rhythm method which avoids times that you are most fertile which shows how contradictory this is to your husband's statement and what he learned from the priest. That is why it is imperative that you speak to another priest who is your age and can explain things on your level.


[QUOTE=LadyoftheLake]I don't want to trick or convience him to change that isn't who I am and I know he wouldn't do that to me if I was in the position, but I would like to find a way for both of us to be happy and to turn this experience into a happy one instead of something that will destroy us.[/QUOTE]

It is clear that marriage is about being supportive of one another's values & beliefs but not at the expense of losing your own. It is quite evident that you love your husband, Lady, and it is wrong to suggest to you to deceive him by using birth control when it is something that you clearly state you wouldn't do. I know that you do not wish to do this and it would be a solution that would cause more hurt than benefit in your marriage. You need to reach a compromise together. And doing things to be vindictive or hurtful to another is not a good solution either.

Which brings us back to the main issue.....how the two of you will be able to enjoy the intimacy in your marriage that will be acceptable to your husband's newly found faith & beliefs. I am stumped, I must admit...this is a hard one because as a Catholic I was fortunate enough to have to use birth control for medical reasons which served it's purpose....but had it not been that way, I would honestly be one of those Catholics who is not exactly suppportive of the churches views on birth control. We respect the right to life but also the right of having the free will that God gave us on whether it is right to bring a new life into the world and the proper time to do so in order to give that life our best.

You need some couselling on this issue.....and while it is your husband's newly found belief and not yours and you are not Catholic....it is my opinion so long as your husband does not knowlingly use birth control (eg: a condom) then he is fulfilling his belief even if you were to use some type of birth control because you do are not Catholic. A priest will be better able to advise you on this.

Wow....good luck...this was really a personl challenge and I must say that I really feel your torment....especially since you are so happy otherwise in your marriage. ~ Goody





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:35 PM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!