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[QUOTE=Piranna65]thank you for for you input ruth, I know you and goody are the two that have been here the most.

Im going to talk to him tonight. This whole thing has me stressed, again. Im going to mention the fact that if this isnt something he is more stern about that Im going to have to re-think our engagment. I dont think it will be along those terms, but it will be in the subject. Maybe if he see's he could lose me because of this he will do more.

You are right, I know I cannot change them but if i can make them get rid of some of the crap they have that they do not deserve then im doing something right. I want them to suffer just like we are. An I cant wait to explain the unfairness here. I have yet to voice my opinion to them and it's done, I've built it up and im ready to confront them and scold. I dont care how I do it or what they think afterwards because they didnt think of us while they did this the past 2 years!

I am so use to him that i dont think I could break his heart and leave him. In all honesty I dont want to leave him we are good together this is the only pit in our relationship and it hurts like hell sometimes. In the end you may be right, if im better without this then I may have to say goodbye but right now that isnt something im willing to do...[/QUOTE]


Hi Piranna,
I have tried not to comment on your situation lately because I didn't want to be a downer, but I have followed your story for some time and with each additional update, I get more and more worried about you. Having experienced firsthand the obstacles and tension family issues can cause in a relationship and the fact that people, especially men, almost inevitably prioritize loyalty to their families above relationships no matter how inappropriate their family's actions and attitudes may be. I am just really concerned that nothing you say or do will get through to your boyfriend and convince him to adopt a less tolerant and forgiving stance toward his family's absurd behavior. His mother seems so incredibly selfish and craves being the center of attention in all of her family members' lives. I think all her whining about you not liking her and not allowing her to be more involved in the wedding (which is obviously completely ludicrous) is a deliberate attempt to manipulate her son into taking sides, at least to some degree, and starting to establish grievances she can reference when she feels the need to interfere in your relationship and ensure that she is always the most important woman in her son's life. Women like this are incredibly toxic, and while I feel terribly sorry for your boyfriend for having such a spoiled, self-absorbed, and scheming mother, I'm afraid that she'll only get worse over time, particularly because his inability to put his foot down and really stand up to her undoubtedly only fuels her audacity.

I can completely understand everything you're saying and obviously see why you want to get your boyfriend away from under his family's roof (and lessen their influence over him) and get his parents to be more fiscally responsible, but I am really worried for you that this may not be possible. Even if your boyfriend was firmly resolved to crack down on his parents' irresponsible spending and demand that they take over all responsibility for the debt they've piled up in his name, I'm just not sure he'd be able to make any headway. As it is, they are even less likely to change their behavior because he is not forcing them to do so...in fact, I doubt that they will ever improve and fear that their spending will only become worse and more of a burden to your fiance as time passes. You may want to demand that they make chances, but I really think you need to realize that in all likelihood, your efforts will be futile.

I truly hate to be so blunt, but I'm just really concerned for you that your boyfriend might not be the right choice for you. I know that his family's selfishness, dishonesty, manipulativeness, and fiscal irresponsibility have been the primary obstacle you have faced as a couple, but there are a few other issues that you've mentioned which have also worried me. I just wonder if you may be more mature and ready for marriage than your boyfriend is...the way he resists standing up to his parents and insisting they cover all the debt they've piled up in his name, the way he resisted buying you a ring and wanted to spend his money on more childish and selfish pursuits at the time, the extreme insecurity and jealousy he's displayed, and the fact that he is so young and still lives at home all deeply concern me. I don't want to be overly negative, but I really am worried that you may be getting into something that won't be best for you in the long run.

I remember being in a similar situation when I was your age, still deeply in love with my second serious, long-term boyfriend and firmly convinced that he was the man I was going to marry. We talked about marriage and he was particularly eager to get engaged, but I couldn't quite overcome my doubts that we were too young (in our very early twenties) for such an adult, permanent committment. I know some people see this differently, but personally I think that such an age, at least if both people attend college and graduate programs and plan on developing ambitious careers, is probably too young for marriage. You seem remarkably mature and clear-headed for your age, but I don't know if your boyfriend is quite as prepared for marriage as you are...I don't presume to know you, and I apologize if I'm overstepping my bounds by expressing these concerns.

Anyway, the main issue that stood in the way of me committing to my ex was my reluctance to join his family. As much as we might like to believe that we're marrying an individual and not into a family, marriage means that you will become members of each other's families for life. If you don't respect, like, and feel comfortable around your fiance's family, that's a major obstacle that may mean he isn't the right partner for you after all. You should definitely hope for the best in the sense that he's able to escape his family (and particularly his mother)'s influence and that he manages to guard himself against incurring any further financial obligations due to their absurd spending habits (and apparent lack of any guilt when it comes to severely jeopardizing their son's future to satiate their immediate, frivalous material desires), I think you also need to be prepared in case this best case scenario doesn't materialize. The odds are much better that his family will never change and will in fact get more and more careless with money as time passes and they get older and more set in their ways. The odds are also good that your boyfriend won't change in terms of his reluctance to deny all responsibility for their debts and refuse to let them ruin his credit and financial future. In fact, as his parents get older and are less able to work, then retire, and likely develop health problems that require expensive care and medications, then need to move into a costly assisted living facility, you should prepare for the strong possibility that they will only become more and more of a financial burden on your fiance and you as time passes. Once you marry, his debts are your debts, and you will be jointly responsible for all the expenses his parents have already caused him and are likely to keep inflicting on you guys in the future. That means your credit will be as bad as his and neither of you is likely to ever get any kind of loan with decent terms. Your boyfriend's financial future seems pretty bleak, especially now that his parents have seen that he won't do anything if they use his name to rack up huge sums of debt.

I'm also really concerned that he's displayed so much jealousy and such extreme insecurity, both of which indicate possible emotional instability and could lead to serious issues for your relationship (and while I obviously doubt and hope that this won't be the case, jealousy and insecurity are also two common warning signs of future abuse). All in all, particularly since you are still so young and have only experienced one other relationship with an ex who you still harbor some feelings for, it just seems to me like it might be a mistake to get married in the near future. I sincerely hope this never happens, but it's important to consider the negative what-ifs when considering how to proceed, and If things were to go wrong or if you grow apart as you both get older and mature, divorce is a million times more difficult and expensive than breaking up. Marriage would make you financially linked to him and legally responsible for all the debt incurred by him and possibly even on the hook for some of his family's own debts. I just couldn't personally imagine becoming financially attached to someone whose finances were such a mess, regardless of whether the relationship works out or not, when you have the option of staying together and avoiding any responsibility for his and his family's financial obligations. Anyway, I apologize again for being a downer, but I can't help but be really concerned for you and worried that marriage might not be the best choice for you, at least not anytime soon. But I know that only you know what's best for you, and I truly wish you all the best no matter what you decide...you definitely deserve to be happy! Good luck and take care!





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